Fade In:
EXT. Someone’s Backyard- Evening
There is a wedding in the backyard. Seated in the audience are various stuffed animals, and a homeless man drinking booze out of a paper bag.
“Here comes the bride” plays in the background. Waiting nervously at a podium is the groom DAVID, a nondescript brown man with beard stubble and an untucked shirt. His brow is sweaty and every 3 seconds he looks to sky in a nervous, furtive manner. He coughs and fidgets as the officiator, a tall gaunt Irishman is standing next to him trying to calm him down.
“Here Comes the Bride” abruptly changes to the “Imperial Death March” from Star Wars. The father of the bride, a tall burly white man, marches down the aisle in full military attire. He is dressed as a general from the Death Star Fleet. He leads the bride–whose face is covered—down the aisle as the music stops. David lifts her veil to discover it’s Darth Vader– breathing heavily. A light saber suddenly appears in her hand and she strikes down the officiator, knocking him and his clipboard to the ground.
The bride destroys the stuffed animal audience members in a tizzy; knocking over chairs in the process. Groom and homeless man look on in silence, horror, and awe. The light saber disappears and the bride walks up to groom. Both stare at each other; breathing heavily in silence. The bride pulls off her Vader mask, revealing her face. They start making out heavily. The homeless man puts down the 40 oz. and gives a standing applause.
Dissolve to:
INT. Bedroom-dawn
David wakes up in his own bed sweating and breathing heavily. He looks at his alarm clock then turns his body to face a sleeping woman. He turns his eyes to the ceiling, slowly closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
Fade Out
INT. Coffee Shop- Daytime
David sits in a coffee shop with an older dark gentleman—probably of Peruvian descent. The gentleman is well manicured with a fresh haircut. He is dressed in a suit and tie. David is dressed in torn jeans and a ratty t-shirt and an old pair of converse. They are playing chess at the table, drinking coffee and eating pastries. David eyes the board before he makes a move. He pushes a pawn forward.
GENTLEMAN
David how’s the story coming?
DAVID
It isn’t.
GENTLEMAN
What do you mean? (moves a piece) Isn’t it due in a couple of weeks?
DAVID
Yeah. I still can’t get past the first scene.
GENTLEMAN
Writer’s block?
DAVID
You can call it that. (Runs his hand through his hair while he looks at the board) Fuck!! I dunno…… It is harder than it looks to write a love story that doesn’t turn out sappy and predictable.
A light flickers off then on again then off. They are now playing in candlelight.
GENTLEMAN
(sits thoughtfully for a few seconds) Does this have to do with you never being in a relationship for longer than a few months?
DAVID
(laughs) I dunno man. I’d say the thing with Kathryn was real. I dated her for almost a year.
GENTLEMAN
You two broke up once a week if I recall correctly. And you were miserable.
David stares at the board for a few minutes while man moves piece on the board. Lights to coffee shop come back on. Candles disappear.
DAVID
(smiling wistfully) You might be right. Maybe I just want to create this perfect scenario to offset my misadventures in dating.
GENTLEMAN
(smiling) I’m glad you were the one to say that.
They exchange moves as Opera music is playing softly in the background.
GENTLEMAN
Check.
DAVID
Fuck!
Candles go out.
Dissolves to:
INT-Café-daytime
Dave and the gentleman play chess while a ballet class is held just a few feet away from their table. being held in the coffee shop. Dancers are stretching against the backs of their chairs and against the table. The teacher is shouting out instructions to the class, but everything comes out sounding like German.
GENTLEMAN
How’s our little story coming?
DAVID
I figured you would ask. (Pauses) It’s a mess. It’s a fucking mess. It’s cheesy. It’s predictable. It’s trite. I’m a hack. I’m washed up at the ripe old age of 22. I should just quit school and get a job at Wendy’s. My degree is worthless. (Moves a piece then winces while gentleman takes one of his pieces)
GENTLEMAN
(laughs) A bit melodramatic don’t you think? What’s really bothering you David? (takes hard look at Dave) You irritated about sleeping with Rena the other night?
DAVID
(incredulously) How did you know about that? I didn’t tell anyone that happened.
GENTLEMAN
(Smiling): You tell on yourself bub… She has a boyfriend, that she lives with, doesn’t she?
DAVID
Yeahhhhhhhh……I’m a moron. I ran into her at the bar and we were talking, laughing, and getting along. She had some pot on her and we went to my house to smoke some of it. We were listening to records and it got late, and she was getting ready to leave and we hugged……..(shrugging) yadda yadda yadda I made her waffles for breakfast.
DAVID
It just happened man what can I say?
A dancer comes from behind him and puts her hands over his eyes. Dave doesn’t seem to notice. Old man moves two pieces. Dancer flutters away.
GENTLEMAN
You going to try and get back together with her?
DAVID
(Looking down at the board confused) And how would that work out?
GENTLEMAN
I’m going to give you some free advice David. Two crazy people should never ever date. This is how people get hot grits poured on them while they are taking a shower. Someone usually ends up dead or in jail. The odds are against you son.
DAVID
(moves his piece) I know. You’re right. But the sex is pretty good. Why do you think we stayed together so long?
GENTLEMAN
If I remember correctly, you said she was dull, boring, and a little psycho.
DAVID
Not in the sack.
GENTLEMAN
Someone once told me that psychotic and sexual are usually next-door neighbors. Besides you said she was stupid.
DAVID
But she’s been reading the books I gave her and listening to the CDs I gave her for her birthday. She’s not as dumb as she used to be. Besides, dumb is a relative term. Isn’t it?
GENTLEMAN
Get back with her. She’ll bore and annoy you until you break up with her. Then you’ll feel guilty and get back with her and then you’ll break up with her again. Just leave her alone man. For both of your sakes. There is a reason you broke up the first time.
DAVID
But it’s so easy with her. She already knows my fucked-up quirks and still she loves me. That counts for something right? I don’t have to go through all that “getting to know you shit” again. I can just be. I’m too lazy to start all over again.
GENTLEMAN
Ahhhh. This is a benefit concert and not a reunion tour?
DAVID
Exactly.
The Instructor shouts out instructions as the class begins. Rommstein starts playing ever so softly in the background.
GENTLEMAN
Think of it this way David. Sex with the ex is comfortable. It’s like going to a city you’ve been to dozens of times. You know the high traffic spots and one-way streets and it’s easy to navigate without getting lost. But what is left for you to do once you’ve eaten at all the best restaurants and you’ve done the touristy stuff. Sure, it feels comfortable, but if you were going to settle down there it would have happened already. (Moves piece)
DAVID
I’m picking up what you’re putting down but it’s just not that easy.
Instructor’s volume gets louder as music gets louder.
GENTLEMAN
It’s not? (moves piece) Check!!!
Music becomes deafening.
Dissolves to
INT.Cafe-Evening
David and a co-ed are studying for their linguistics exam at café. She is tall and long limbed with big breasts and brown hair. They pack their books into their bags as they prepare to walk outside.
DAVID
Well that about covers it. I think we’ll both do fine on that exam tomorrow. Time to go home and blow off some steam.
COED
Oh yeah? What do you normally do to blow off steam? I usually go to 80’s night at the Groovy Mule on Thursdays, but other than that I don’t get out much.
DAVID
I usually smoke weed and listen to records on my turntable. But I could be talked into doing something else.
COED
(eyelids perk up) You have weed?
DAVID
(Smiling) And a turntable. Want to come over and get high and listen to some P-Funk?
COED
I think I would David.
Dissolve to:
INT. Bedroom-Night
Dave is shirtless and lying on his back. Funky jazz is playing in the background. Woman is in bra and panties wearing workman’s goggles. She straddles his stomach. She produces an egg from her cleavage and cracks it in half, letting the yolk fall onto Dave’s chest. Then she produces an egg beater and spins the stirs on his chest, splattering it everywhere. The camera pans over to the corner of the bedroom where an actual jazz band is playing music.
Dissolve to:
INT. Bedroom-Night
David wakes up. The alarm clock reads 3 AM. The coed lies next to him; fast asleep.
INT. Cafe-Daytime
David and the Gentleman are playing chess again.
GENTLEMAN
Maybe you’d play better chess if you weren’t stressing out about your story. It’s due next week isn’t it? Why aren’t you working on it? (makes a move on the board)
DAVID
Yep. (studies his next move) Doesn’t matter I’m already fucked. I need this break though. Gives my brain time to breathe.
GENTLEMAN
Speaking of much needed breaks. How did your date go?
DAVID
It was nice. Sarah is fun. Intelligent, beautiful, and super cool.
GENTLEMAN
Then why do you look so unhappy?
DAVID
I’m not. She’s fabulous. She’s just a little too fabulous. She’ll find out how warped I am and not want to see me anymore. I’m afraid she might be a little too nice if you know what I mean.
GENTLEMAN
You don’t have to pee on every chick you meet.
DAVID
(laughs) No what I mean to say is that eventually she’ll get tired of my jokes, and I won’t be as entertaining after a while. She’ll get bored. I can tell. I already feel like I’m a Cutco salesman trying to sell her on all the reasons why she should sleep with me.
GENTLEMAN
Aha!! (moves piece)
DAVID
(looking exasperated) Don’t tell me you have checkmate.
GENTLEMAN
No. Not yet……..but I think I have you figured out. You’re intimidated by her.
DAVID
Yes……. No….. Maybe….probably so.
GENTLEMAN
You’ve found someone who can match your intellect and it scares you. You can’t manipulate her with your mind games. You’re worried that she’ll see through your shit, and she might actually get to know you and not like you….or worse…she’ll get to know you and still like you.
DAVID
(stares ahead silently)
GENTLEMAN
If you aren’t careful, you just might have a relationship on your hands.
DAVID
What makes you think I don’t want one?
GENTLEMAN
What makes you think you do?
DAVID
(Rolls eyes) This motherfucker thinks he is Carl Jung.
GENTLEMAN
Why do you date girls who have all this emotional baggage David, or tolerate girls who don’t quite measure up in intellect? It’s not just for sex. You and I both know that the juice ain’t worth the squeeze with half these young ladies. You ever wonder if maybe you just want someone to kiss your ass?
DAVID
(Moves piece and sighs) I quit dating Kathryn cuz she was too ditzy, and Rena was overwhelming. Both were high maintenance in their own ways. Can we just play chess for a while please?
They look at each other. The gentleman shrugs and then studies the board
GENTLEMAN
(smiles and looks up from board. Moves piece.) Checkmate.
Dissolves to:
INT- Dark Basement
David is tied to a chair with a gag in his mouth.
In walks tall dominatrix woman holding bubble wrap in her hand. She slaps him then removes gag from his mouth.
DOMINATRIX
Are you going to give me what I want?
DAVID
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
DOMINATRIX
Maybe. Maybe not. But we’ll see where you stand in just a minute.
She shows him the bubble wrap. Then starts popping them slowly—one at a time.
DAVID
No not the bubbles! Anything but the bubbles!!!
DOMINATRIX
You want to pop it don’t you?
DAVID
Yes! Oh God yes. Yes, you bitch. I want to pop those fucking bubbles. (He starts squirming to avert his eyes)
DOMINATRIX
I bet you’d do anything for me to let you pop it wouldn’t you?
DAVID
(Shaking head affirmatively) I would, but I don’t have it in me to do what you are asking me to do.
DOMINATRIX
(She starts popping more bubbles) Oh come on. It’d be a shame to pop all these bubbles by myself. Where is the fun in that?
DAVID
(Yelling) Please! I will do anything you want but that. Just stop popping the bubbles. For the love of God stop popping those bubbles in front of me like that! Have you no empathy?
DOMINATRIX
One word. David. Just say it.
DAVID
No! I can’t please. I’m begging you. You don’t know what you’re asking.
DOMINATRIX
Alright. You leave me with no choice. (Starts stepping on bubbles)
DAVID
(sobbing by now) Okay! Okay! I’ll do it. Just don’t pop anymore. Please. I’ll give you whatever you want.
DOMINATRIX
Give me what I want David.
He spits out ring. She picks it up and wipes it off. Pushes it onto her finger and walks out the room. David finds himself magically unbound and he tears into the packing bubbles; rolling around in it, and popping the bubbles in a loving caress.
Dissolves to:
INT. Café-Daytime
David and the Gentleman play chess at a table.
GENTLEMAN
So how was coffee with Kathryn? Did you find it…..healing?
DAVID
Not particularly. Wasn’t sure if I needed to throw up or cry. When she told me she was seeing someone else it felt like she’d kicked me in the balls.
GENTLEMAN
Well what did you expect?
DAVID
Closure I guess. It seemed very apropos to meet up at the same coffee shop we’d had our first date, but things went south from the moment we’d sat down together.
GENTLEMAN
Like how?
DAVID
She’s become so….cold. It felt like it was back to square one again—as if we’d never known each other.
GENTLEMAN
Let’s be honest for a second. It’s not like you were going to marry her, and that is what she wants…..from someone.
DAVID
Even if she wasn’t right for me, it doesn’t change how I feel about her. What hurts the most was how cold she was about the whole thing. You know what she said? She said “Yea we had us some good times, but I’m much happier now.
GENTLEMAN
(winces) Yea brother. Cold blooded. So what now? You gonna give it another go with Rena?
DAVID
Nah. I need some time off from the ladies. My creative writing project is a week late and I need to use what little brain I have left on that.
GENTLEMAN
That’s good David. You should do that. And Kathryn, think you’ll talk to her again?
DAVID
Eh. I’m sure I’ll see her around, but I don’t need to expose myself to that again. That just made it easier to let go.
GENTLEMAN
Hey I’m proud of you. I’d hug you but for some reason I can’t seem to stand up.
DAVID
Yea me neither. For some reason my legs feel like they are strapped to my chair.
GENTLEMAN
Chess then?
DAVID
Sure. Set them up.
GENTLEMAN
But they are already set up. (points to the table where a chess board appears out of thin air.)
DAVID
Okay who gets first move?
GENTLEMAN
You be white for once.
DAVID
I appreciate that. Who knows maybe I’ll even take some of your pieces this game.
GENTLEMAN
Don’t get too ambitious now.
Camera pulls away from scene as David, the gentleman and the table get smaller.
Dissolve to:
EXT.Backyard-daytime
“When a Man loves a Woman” plays in the background as David and his veil-less bride walk down the aisle together. The bride is wearing sunglasses and holding a walking cane. Her free arm runs through Dave’s arm and as rests her hand on his bicep. A homeless man throws rice into air and catches it in his mouth.
Dissolve to:
INT. Living Room-Nighttime
David is fast asleep on the couch, wearing just his boxers. The television plays loudly in the background. The camera pans closer and closer to David until only his face is in the shot. His eyes are closed but his face breaks into a smile.
Fade Out
FIN
~Edward Austin Robertson
Nuclear Polio Vaccination 