Archive | July, 2016

Hot For Teacher

25 Jul

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Every now and then, something happens in the world that makes sane people wonder “What the fuck?”

No moment screams this louder than a hot female teacher hooking up with one of her high school students. Every time I see some news report about a female teacher hooking up with a student I shake my head in confusion. Is the deficiency of male teachers that bad in public school system?

It doesn’t make any sense. As someone who keeps an “open door” policy  (meaning whenever a student–especially if they are female–enters my classroom while I’m alone I make sure the cameras can see us), it is hard to fathom the mindset of these women who choose young boys (or girls) over a warm blooded adult male teacher. I’m overly paranoid about being along with a student. I don’t offer rides to students unless there are witnesses to ride along with us, and I certainly don’t see how they can enjoy a decision that could jeopardize their career.

I love it when men my age say,  “WHERE WERE THESE TEACHERS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL?” Get the fuck out of here. I get it. I get it. If it would have happened to you, then you wouldn’t have told anyone. Maybe that is true for some of you. But for most kids my age back then, I don’t see how that would end well.

If I would have had my way and been able to bed my 7th grade science teacher, I would have been all kinds of fucked up. I would have gotten us busted in so many ways: doodling her name on my spiral notebook, riding my bike by her house, hoping that her husband was out of town for the weekend, writing really bad AB/AB rhyme scheme poetry to her, and accidentally leaving it on my desk.

My family life would have been in ruins, my parents would have been even more strict than they already were.

“But I AM spending the night at Michael’s house. You can call and ask his mama. What’s their number? Ummmmmm hold on a sec, lemme grab the cordless from my room.” Whispers on phone, “Hey! You have to pretend like you are Michael Ivey’s mother……no it doesn’t matter if you don’t sound like her! My Mom has never even met her. She won’t know the difference.”

I can imagine the chaos in my house when I finally got caught. My pops would have been highly inappropriate, “Aw c’mon boy. Let ya daddy get a whiff of some 7th grade biology. You ain’t washed ya hands have you?” *Sniffs* “Mmmmmmmm I knew this was gon’be a good school district for you boy.”

My mother and I would have just had screaming matches.  “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE MOTHER? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES ME? THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS ISN’T IT? WHAT? I DO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE TOO OLD FOR ME? YOU HEARD THAT ALIYAH SONG. AGE AIN’T NUTHIN BUT A NUMBER MAMA!!!”

But for real. My science teacher was smoking hot. Shout out to Mrs. Sitton wherever she is. I’m a grown man now. I can finally get on her level. If I saw her today it’d be on. “Sup Shirlene? Yeah I’ve been thinking about this moment for 24 years. Remember how you used to think it was cute that I took notes from the board without even looking at my paper? Well I’ve picked up a trick or two since then. I’m ready to go, just you say the word. Oh yeah? You’re down? Well let’s get out of here. But before we go, I just need you to do one thing for me. Will you please call my house and pretend that you’re Michael Ivey’s mother. Yeah tell my dad I’m spending the night with ya’ll so I can go to church with your family in the morning.”

 

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Still Chasing…….

25 Jul

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This summer was supposed to be a chill one. I had a wedding on the east coast, but other than that, my plan was to read books and lay up under the air conditioning all summer. Much like my 2006 plans, things took on a life of their own, and I found myself criss-crossing the country again.

2016 Summer Observations:

  1. Now that Mommy jeans are in full effect, it may be smart to re-invest in Fanny packs. Young hipsters have brought back something so puzzling, that I can’t help but think this is backlash against the increasing creepiness of men’s boorish behavior. It is the only rational explanation I can think of. Why else would young women purposely wear jeans that make them appear bloated and unattractive? Has the buffoonery of our catcalling, drink spiking, leg grinding, and upskirting finally worn away the magic of women leaving their homes feeling beautiful? Is this a retort to the victim blaming laden statement “Well she had it coming, look how she was dressed.”? I hope this isn’t the case, but I also hope it isn’t women being ironic. Not all women age as fine as wine,  and there will come a day when Mommy jeans will be a necessity, not an option. Those wasted days of beauty will be missed down the road ladies.
  2. Seattle is still extremely white. Seattle is so white that it feels like a foreign country. Seattle is so white that when black people see other black people, they not only introduce themselves to each other, they also get invited to dinner and church services. “Come out to Colombia City and fellowship with us. The whole congregation will be there. All ten of us.” One day when I was walking around downtown, I saw a well dressed white man with a cast on his right arm. It took everything I had not to yell out “Ted Bundy” the same way someone yells out “Kobe” when shooting paper into a wastebasket.
  3. I feel sorry for anyone who sits near me on a bus or an airplane. I feel like handing them a card before I fall asleep that reads,” 1-800 How’s My Snoring?” I should just carry a mouth guard with me at all times when I travel, because its inevitable I’m going to konk out as soon as we take off for our destination.
  4. As much as I miss my Okie friends, I do not miss Oklahoma–especially now that its vogue again to be openly bigoted. You will hear some people brag about Oklahoma being the first state to send a man into outer space. I don’t see how this is flattering. I think it displays the extremes people will go to get away from the God forsaken state. The moon suddenly isn’t far enough away from a state that says if a person puts their penis inside another person’s mouth while they are unconscious it isn’t rape. Ironically, sodomy laws are still in effect there. No wonder Oklahoma is 49th in education in the United States.
  5. My top four favorite cities in North America:   1) Montreal Pound for pound the most dime pieces per capita in any city I’ve ever been. Great food. Well designed layout. Reliable transportation and diverse. Tons of street art, and affordable rent. I could tell who the Americans were in the city by their Valley Girl speak. It was rare that I heard people say the words, “Like, you know, and whatever.” Montreal is a world class city. 2) New York, but more specifically Queens. Brooklyn is too trendy to me. Manhattan just feels like white noise. I know very little about Staten Island and the Bronx. Queens though may be the most diverse of all the boroughs. The food is phenomenal. It is a good place to live whether you have a family or you are single. Taking the N,Q, or 7 trains is a convenient way to travel to the other four boroughs. Plus the Mets play there. I do wonder how long it will be cool though. Its becoming harder and harder to live in New York if you aren’t rich. 3) Portland. I forgot how much I love this city–especially during the summer time. I love the heady highs, and the high trees. Now that legislature has caught up with the times, it has become an even more enjoyable place to visit. Even though the town has more happy hours than black people, and buying a house there has become almost impossible for people not making six figures, it is still an extremely fun place. The women aren’t quite as “hot” as the ones in Texas, but they score well because there are an abundance of cuties living there. If hot women were a currency, then Portland would be the Uruguay among North American cities. There is a thriving middle class of cuties who happen to be pretty chill. I dig it. 4) Austin. Of course. Austin is douchier than it was 10 years ago when I first left, but it is also more going on there than 10 years ago. The food is better. There are more places to eat and drink, and its more diverse. Yes its getting “whiter” by the day, but its not all the same kind of white people–at least for now. Much like New York, it may not be as cool of a place 10 years from now.
  6. I left Texas ten years ago hoping to find a new place to settle into–a new career in a new town in a new region. Much of this journey was captured in my collection of poems, Chasing Kerouac with my Credit Card. The trip that I embarked on during the summer of 2006 was a means to explore parts of the United States, and then plop my ass down somewhere.My criteria eventually became: a) A city near the water–namely the Pacific Ocean. b) A city where I wouldn’t be entirely dependent upon driving a car.c) A racially tolerant city where I could at least feel safe as a black man.

    Many people have wondered why I move around so much, and it is because C) has been an elusive find. Some cities are safer than others for black men, but this summer (and the frankly the last 5 years) has proven that nowhere in America is a minority safe–especially blacks. Now that we are on the heels of a Trump presidency, what once felt like paranoia (to other people) is soon to be a reality. To spare us all the unnecessary bloodshed, I just wish all the whites in America who don’t want to interact with gays, blacks, Muslims, Jews, Arabs, Asians, Mexicans, and anyone else not straight, white and conservative, would map out a place in the Midwest (we could call it Bigotopia) where they can live with all their distorted beliefs, and not bother (or be bothered by) anyone different from them. The government should just give everybody relocation grants and call it “The Mulligan Act of 2017.” Everyone wins.

  7. Its crazy how fast ten years just flew by. In some ways this summer paralleled summer of 2006. Moving out of town and being technically homeless for two months was again a theme. The World Cup was the social milieu back in 2006 (where France lost in penalty kicks just like this year’s Eurocup), while the Copa America and Eurocup were going on while I was on the road this year. Though this summer wasn’t nearly as messy as 2006, there were certainly some curveballs that have forced me to stay on my toes. Of course this year’s travels wouldn’t have gone nearly as smoothly without all the people I managed to meet and befriend in the last ten years. My Texas, California and Oregon connections have taken me to some cool places that would have been almost impossible to know without them. I can’t imagine my life had things gone the way I had originally planned back in 2004–before my first visit to the Pacific Northwest. Had you asked me what I thought my life would be like at 37, I would have probably said a wife and kids, teaching at a school in Fort Worth; owning two cars and paying on a mortgage. None of that sounds bad, but I can’t believe I would have been successful at that lifestyle at that time.I would have spent all my free time staring out the window wondering WHAT IF? I can’t say that these things won’t eventually happen (probably not the part about living in Dallas), but I can say that I’m at least a couple of years away from that being my reality. We still have a lot to accomplish before that happens. I’m still chasing……….

 

Ciao,

BM

 

 

Still Chasing….. mini playlist

21 Jul

Soren Juul –Dear Child

De La Soul- Royalty Capes

Beck- Cellphone’s Dead

B-52’s- Whammy Kiss

Pete Shelley- Telephone Operator 

Willy Wonka- What is House?

Logic- The Warning

Fabio Macor- Suddenly

Chromatics- Ceremony

Devo-Gut Feeling

Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet- Having an Average Weekend

Elvis Costello- Accidents Will Happen

Spacemen 3- Its Allright

Janet Jackson –Night