Armageddon could have been outside and it wouldn’t have mattered to me.
If this were the last night on Earth
then I was right where I was supposed to be.
My warm bed
her warm body
the warmth between the sheets
–the warmth between her thighs.
Of course I didn’t believe that this was the end
but if so,there were much worse ways to die.
~Edward Austin Robertson
An innocuous invite to listen to Smiths and make out
could so easily turn into a care-free romp
to some P- Funk.
Those were the cavalier days
before concerns
about others’
feelings
were considered.
Oh what I would do
to see her smile again.
She turned out to be nothing
like I wanted.
But for a brief moment
we were there
she had let go
and we were free
and alive.
~Edward Austin Robertson
I became aware of the psychic shift
when I realized that it was she
who’d requested that the DJ
play “Poison” on the dance floor
(Never trust a big butt and a smile).
My fate was sealed when that big sexy ass
started grinding into my crotch.
If you have ever been in place
where you were so overwhelmingly attracted
to a person you found so spiritually repulsive
then you know what it means to
“Lose your Religion” for someone.
No state of denial is more powerful
than trying to convince yourself that the person
you lust for is “ a good person deep down inside.”
They have to be because how shallow
would that make me to pursue these depths
just for a little bit of evil goodness?
There has to be some justification,
a way to rationalize
how you manage to cross that line without even knowing
that you compromised your integrity.
I was done for.
I knew it.
She knew it too.
I was her sucker
and I was going to do whatever it took
to continue to put my penis inside her
and there was absolutely no way
I was going to be the one to break things off.
She was going to be the ruin of me
and there was nothing I could do about it.
Any mild advantage I
thought I possessed
I’d relinquished
once I started giving a fuck about her.
I was in love with this filthy whore
and she was about to drag me
down–
even further than I already was.
~Edward Austin Robertson
For whatever reason, anything with “Yakkety Sax” equates to hilarity. Why is that?
I.
Staring out at the traffic from balcony
with a high sense of uneasiness
that didn’t belong
(why did I feel like Bud Fox?).
I had escaped Oklahoma
and was back home.
It was my birthday.
By all accounts I should have been happy.
I had a good job
nice place to live,
all my friends and loved ones were downstairs
having a good time.
Yet there was this nagging desire to
slip a ring on my finger
slip off somewhere and vanish.
The woman I was interested in
had no idea that she was a dirty little secret
to someone else at the party
with whom I shared a dirty little secret.
Who had I become?
How the fuck did I get here?
This was not what I had in mind for myself
at 34.
II.
It didn’t take very long did it?
The gap between there and here
never seemed more apparent than
today
when it hit me where I was.
Every choice I had made
since that day
when the snowy hill whispered yes
had been correct.
No use in questioning anymore
it was clear I knew best.
If there was somewhere else I was supposed to be
I couldn’t see it.
Had there ever been a time I’d been happier
I couldn’t recall it.
I liked myself so much more today.
I couldn’t run far enough away from that person I was then.
I couldn’t run fast enough to the person I am now.
~Edward Austin Robertson
Last night I found myself at the Granada with a 15 dollar ticket to see Toro y Moi.
For as good of a band they are, they are still kind of an underground secret.
The place was packed with a vast collection of Lawrence bros and hipsters.
The band threw down from the very first note, but I was extremely unnerved by the lack of dancing at the show (and the awful bro/ho ratio). It was hilarious watching a crowd full of hyper masculine dudes resist dancing to some ultra funky grooves. It was almost like they were afraid of letting go and appearing “gay”.
I started out in the very back of the crowd and finally after 3 songs decided I was going to go up front and dance. I fished my way up to the stage where only a smatter of people actually were grooving. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. What in the name of Andrew Wiggins were these people here for if not to dance? The lifeless looks on their faces was confusing. I know I was back in the midwest but this had to be the stiffest crowd I’d ever seen at a live show. I could only imagine how it looked from up on stage. Were we not in the best college town in America? Was this not a chance to celebrate how lucky we were to be able to share this experience? Maybe it was the depressing layout of the theater (no seating and loads of concrete–the Dallas Grenada is far superior) Or was I a little too fucked up on mushrooms?
I don’t know. But I knew I had to show these cats some love. I appreciated them coming to play here in Lawrence, Kansas of all places. I was going to dance and if someone got bumped into it was because they were out of rhythm.
I didn’t think I was high enough until the music started, but by the time they went into Divina, I knew I was peaking. I was drenched in sweat from the constant dancing– I couldn’t stay still for one single note. This was the third time I’d seen Toro y Moi this year and it was amazing just how much tighter they’d gotten since the last time I’d seen them in March at SXSW.
They were feeling it too. You can tell they are locked into a groove. Even old Chaz had let his hair grow into a beautiful fro that I could only be jealous of. They are ready. I had danced so much that by the last 3 songs I felt exhausted. My limbs were moving by sheer rhythmic instinct.
It was an incredible show. It is unbelievable that it was only a 15 dollar ticket. I’m certain that the next time they tour, Toro y Moi will be playing in bigger venues for a higher price. And as long as there is room to dance and the speakers and sound system can handle their music, then it will be worth it.
Nuclear Polio Vaccination 