Archive | October, 2015

Poems for the Fall

27 Oct

Crow Hill Autumn

Cold Wind.

First snow of winter in October

Silent as crystals.

All that falls from above comes over

The north hill-

Bent and bruised poplars, beeches

The weeds, Queen Anne’s lace.

Apple trees.

Golden delicious sunlight glistens

Off their skins, delicate snow,

And I can only listen to the crisp crunch,

Biting into them the sound of snowfall.

The sunlight lingers on each flake

In a bed of reflection,

Like a winter lake sleeping.

Dormant is a long time

For each cotton stalk.

Songbirds are silent

On these days, reserved,

For a distant look

Into a life

Spilled on the road.

Limbo of Infants 

November is forever falling leaves

As long as I can remember

The scattered piles of the day’s labor

Undone by the icy wind

Whispering words of childhood names:

Rover, Polo, Oxen free.

Of all the seasons I prefer the autumn

Sending her children forth,

Each one a wish,

A lifetime.

These curled corpses of spring

End up on the embers of a distant fire.

~S.D. Hildebrand

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Tip Off Tuesday Mini Playlist

25 Oct

Fall Break Mini Playlist

12 Oct

2015-2016 Basketball Season Preview

12 Oct

The wait is almost over. It was a good ass off season, but it is time to start cranking it back up. Hoops season is back, and I couldn’t be happier. So let’s skip the foreplay and talk about the upcoming season, my favorite story lines A to Z.

ADIDAS

You could put Damien Lillard, Andrew Wiggins, and James Khardasian Harden on a barnstorming tour with 2 scrubs and they’d run shit……that is until they ran into the top 3 Nike ballers and their 2 scrubs.

If you were ever thinking about buying some Adidas stock, now would be the time to do it before the season starts (It has risen 10 points since I first checked it in September). That being said, just ask Ray J, Reggie Bush, Kris Humphries, Bruce Jenner, and Lamar Odom how much better their lives are after getting involved with that family. 

BILLY DONOVAN

300.ButchPatrick.EddieMunster.tg.111110

I was a little skeptical about the Billy Donovan hire. A year before KD’s free agency seemed like bad timing to try and shake things up. But after reading a couple of interviews, and after Monty Williams and Mo Cheeks were hired as assistant coaches, I feel a lot more optimistic about the Thunder’s upcoming season, and their chances of re-signing Kevin Durant. There will be a learning curve, but not nearly as steep as most first year head coaches.

He has all the tools (assuming his star players are healthy) to make the Western Conference Finals. Only a fool however; would try and compare his rookie season to Steve Kerr’s first year as coach. Kerr has been a GM, an announcer, and played for Lute Olson, Phil Jackson, and Gregg Popovich.  This is Donovan’s first season IN THE LEAGUE. It will take a series of fortunate bounces for Donovan to make it out of the West, and beat Lebron in the NBA Finals.

C. J. McCOLLUM

This is the year my man takes the leap and shows the world he was the player I thought he was when he was saucing up Duke in the first round of the NCAA tournament. 

 The dude can get buckets, and he will be asked to help out with the scoring load for the Trailblazers. When they let Wes Matthews go, I think the front office was banking on C.J. staying healthy (he hasn’t played a full season in 3 years counting his senior year at Lehigh) and taking his game to a higher level. This could be a fun backcourt to watch in years to come.

DURANT

That is right. KD is back and he says he is feeling fine. The playoffs are not the playoffs without KD playing involved. I had gotten so used to the Thunder making the post season, that it felt odd to not have them around. It shows how fast six years can go by.

The EASTERN CONFERENCE

Not quite as wack as last year, but still kind of an eye sore for the basketball purists. Fred Hoiberg will be a breath of fresh air in the Chicago locker room. The Heat will be competitive again (more on them later I promise) and the Celtics will look to improve on their season by actually being .500 again. Lebron will have to work for it a little bit more, meaning they may lose 3 more games in the post season than last year. Unless there is a catastrophic injury to LBJ, you can pretty much pencil them in for the Finals. You cannot say that about ANY team in the west.

FEAR THE DEER

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J-Kidd and the Milwaukee Bucks will push the Heat to 6 games in the Eastern Conference Finals. Mark it! They are long, young, fast, and Jason Kidd, who was already a head coach on the court as a player, will be worth at least ten regular season wins alone.

The man is brilliant, and if you’ve ever wondered why people complain about Chris Paul as a leader, then go watch some old game footage of Kidd. Everyone who has ever played with Kidd talks about how great of a teammate and leader he was. As great of a player as Paul is, I’ve never once heard a teammate describe him as supportive. 

GRAYSON ALLEN

Yep. If you were worried that there wouldn’t be a white Duke player to rot against this year, I just served you one up on a platter. Grayson kept the Dukies in last year’s National title game, with some tremendous energy off the bench. If you took Steve Wojciechowski’s antics and gave Ron Paulus hops, then you would have this guy. I actually like this cat. He plays hard. He works hard. He can bang on you if you sleep on him, and from every interview I’ve seen he seems like a great teammate. 

He does not strike me as someone who takes anything for granted. But yeah, fuck Duke. I’d be shocked if they won it all this year. Tyus Jones is in the pro’s now, and that guy was the best PG they’ve had since Jay Williams. Go ahead and pencil in another early round exit for the Blue Devils. Nothing makes me happier than typing those words.

HASSAN WHITESIDE

This cat is like Andrew Bynum without the knee injuries. Homie can ball, but dude is a little “Goof Troop.” His 2K rating will surely go up this year, because he when he is in the lineup, you can expect bro to put up a double double—and that is just in rebounds and blocks. He doesn’t even need to score to affect the game. That being said, he can just easily do something stupid to get himself taken out of the game. But if rebounding and defense get you aroused, then grab a Kleenex and tune in to Miami Heat games.

 INJURIES

Fuck Injuries. Let’s pray for a year without any major injuries to the superstar players. We already know the score concerning Derrick Rose and Kyrie Irving, but last season was just ridiculous.  Can we at least have every team playing in the post season relatively healthy? I’ll sacrifice a bucket of chicken to the injury gods. I suggest that you all do the same.

JUSTICE WINSLOW

What the fuck? I started out writing a basketball preview column and it has turned into 2014 Duke Blue Devils tribute. I cannot believe that Winslow fell to the number 10 pick. Every team that had the 4-9 picks are going to be kicking themselves. Winslow is fast, he plays defense, and he is athletic. You want to know why Duke won it all last year? It was because of this guy.

Winslow should have been playing in New York or Charlotte. He is my preseason pick for Rookie Of the Year. As my mother used to say to me whenever I was one strike away from an epic ass whupping , “If you don’t believe me then just hide and watch. 

KRZYZEWSKI KANSAS BASKETBALL  

As in the state of Kansas. This year there will be three Kansas teams in the top 25, and two of them, Wichita State and University of Kansas, have legitimate chances of being in the Final Four (if they can somehow avoid being put in the same bracket). The Shockers bring back the best backcourt in the country with Fred VanFleet and Ron Baker (Baker played in the PanAm games up in Toronto this summer with my boy Keith “K-Freeze” Langford). They are also bringing on Connor Frankamp to help out with the ball handling duties (he can shoot too). They are poised for a deep run into the tourney this year.

As for the Jayhawks, well this is finally the year I’ve been waiting for when Frank Mason and Wayne Selden came onto the campus as freshmen.  They are finally mature enough to take the helm, and you know Perry Ellis is going to quietly get his 20 points and 8 rebounds during his senior campaign.

Devonte Graham has one more year of experience under his belt, and Svi Mykhailiuk will be ready to contribute more on the court as a super sophomore. Self has a rotation of big men (Chieck please!!!!) in the front court, and they have the depth to wear a team down. With Hoiberg coaching the Bulls now, Self will have even less competition this year en route to his 13th straight Big 12 championship. Self’s stranglehold on the conference will end soon now that UT has made a major upgrade with Shaka Smart taking over for Rick Barnes.

 As for K-State? No one gives a shit about them. although i’ll give them props for almost beating TCu the other night in football.

LEAGUE PASS

This is the year I finally get it. Fuck this streaming shit. “Ain’t nobody got time for dat”

METTA WORLD PEACE

The Panda King is back on the LOL Lakers who may not be so LOL this year. It is still a rebuilding year, but did you ever think you’d see the day where you’d feel less hatred for the Lakers locker room than the Clippers? More on those busters later. If you ever want to take a trip to the twilight zone, follow Ron –ahem Metta on Twitter. Dude is out there. He elbowed Harden in the head way before it was fashionable to even feel that way. Maybe homie is Meta.

NEW FACES, NEW LACES, BUT NOTHING REALLY CHANGES

Other than Oklahoma City, the same teams will be in the playoffs. It was much harder to talk myself into Utah and Quinn Snyder (fuck Mizzou), and Phoenix,than it was to talk myself out of Memphis’ old ass roster.

ONE LAST DANCE

We are on the cusp of a new age in San Antonio. The new big three for the Spurs going forward will be “Lamarcus!!!!”,  Kyle “Slo-Mo” Anderson, and Kawhi Leonard. I think this is the year where the Spurs may actually be “too old” to win the NBA title.  I’m not sure how much Parker has left in the tank, Duncan will be fine, but this is certainly Manu’s last year to play in the NBA. I think the Spurs would have beaten the Clippers last year had they played Patty Mills more. They may need Patty and every other guard to chip in and lighten the load for Monsieur Parker.

PAUL PIERCE RETURNS HOME.

Jalen Rose correctly points out that this is the best roster that the LOL Clippers have ever had in the history of the franchise. 

You have a locker room filled with so many strong personalities that I think that this will be Doc Rivers finest job as a head coach, if he somehow gets this team to the NBA Finals (An NBA Finals that I will have no choice but to root for Lebron if the Clippers win the West–kind of like when I had to root for Chicago back in the late 90’s vs. Utah). I am extremely curious how things play out with Chris Paul, Josh Smith, Lance Stephenson,Glen “Big Baby” Davis, and Austin Rivers.

What is the over/under on how many times Paul Pierce utters the phrase  “Ya’ll childish” as he exits the locker room while shaking his head? Who will be the guy who gets cut by the team for breaking Austin Rivers’ jaw? Remember when the Wizards had Javale McGhee, Javaris Critendon, Deshawn Stevenson, and Gilbert Arenas on the same team? If managing that team was like handling nitro glycerin, this Clipper roster is like juggling grenades.

QUICKEN LOANS ARENA

I think the Cavs go at least 37-4 at home this year. There is talk about them being “angry”, more focused and all that nonsense. They can do all that, but it’s a long season. They should focus more on being healthy. It isn’t a matter of if Kyrie will hurt himself again, but when. They will be a more cohesive unit than they were last year heading into the playoffs, and I can’t expect Kevin Love to lay another egg this season (I mean for him at least—he still put up decent numbers).  They will figure it out. They would have to try to not make the Finals in that conference.

RICK CARLISLE

He is reason enough that the Mavericks will make the playoffs.  He is poised to win Coach of the Year honors for the roster he is working with this season. Like I said before, he is the second best coach in the league behind “Pops.”

SIDELINE REPORTING

Just isn’t the same without Craig Sager and those goofy ass suits. I miss that dude.  I hope he gets well soon.

sager

TY LAWSON

Ty

If the Spurs would have somehow gotten Lawson, this season would have been a wrap. Ty finally has something to work with, and he has a lot to prove to all his doubters. The Rockets are going to get up and down the court and will average at least 110 points a game. Rockets games will be easier to digest—well that is until the 4th quarter where Harden starts initiating the free throw contests. But the first 3 quarters will be good. Give me a Rockets vs. OKC/Golden State/ San Antonio any night of the week though.

UNDER ARMOUR

Check the stocks. Under Armour is killing the game right now. Shares are like 102 points the last time I checked. Steph Curry is winning on the court and off of it. Homie got a little piece of the action and has bought stake in the company (Getting a little bit of everything in today’s preview at zero to little cost).

Speaking of winners, can we give props to Dell Curry? The guy had a very solid NBA career, married a beautiful and smart woman, and has two sons in the NBA. One of them is coming off of an NBA title, and the other played 4 years at Duke and just got a legit contract with the Kings. #Winning.

VUJACIC

Yes Sasha Vujacic is still in the league, and may be playing with the New York Knicks this season. Need I say more?

WILLIE CAULEY STEIN

The best player to come out of the state of Kansas in a very, very long time. He has height, lateral quickness, defense, and ups. He will get 8 points a game just from Rondo throwing him oops all season. Imagine if you could  let  Tyson Chandler play defense out on the perimeter. Exactly!!!

 

XAVIER (As in David West’s alma mater).

 I’ve always thought D. West would be the perfect Spur, and he will prove his worth on this roster. He is a true professional and after seeing him beat up on San Antonio throughout the years, it is cool to see him on the side of the good guys. I want so badly to pencil them in for the Finals. I just don’t know if they enough backcourt depth to make it happen. 

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YOUNG GUNS

New stars are good for the league. I’ve already talked about some of this year’s rookies, but the Teen Wolves will be the most fun 20 win team you’ve ever seen. They will compete, but they still not quite there yet. Kevin Garnett in that locker room will be nothing but an asset.

He’s already teaching those Youngbloods what it means to be a professional. They would make a great NBA Jam team. Wiggins, Lavine, and Shabazz Mahummud would be a fun trio to run with (Rubio as the alternate). They are not too far away from being where OKC was back in ’08-10. They just have to be smart (don’t laugh its possible—anything is possible) with personnel moves the next 3 years.

Utah has a decent core coming back. Going up to Salt Lake City is no longer an easy W. They are going to make teams earn it. I like Heyward. Trey Burke still has yet to hit his full potential, Rudy Gobert aint no punk, and we still don’t know where Dante Exum will be as a player. If they were in the Eastern Conference, I could be talked into them making the playoffs.

ZAZA PACHULIA, DERON WILLIAMS and WESLEY MATTHEWS

The three biggest additions to the Dallas Mavericks, and they will still make the playoffs. I rest my case.

 

Standings

West Standings (in no particular order)

Oklahoma City (if healthy)

Houston

Golden State

San Antonio

Memphis

Los Angeles Clippers

Dallas

New Orleans

 

East standings (in no particular)

Cleveland

Indiana

Heat

Atlanta

Boston

Chicago

Milwaukee

Detroit

 

Eastern Conference Finals

Cleveland vs. Milwaukee (Cleveland wins 4-2)

 

Western Conference Finals

Golden State vs. Oklahoma City (if healthy)

NBA FINALS

Oklahoma City (if healthy) vs. Cleveland (Cleveland wins 4-3)

 

 

 

 

A New Set of Teacher Jokes

1 Oct

Teaching ain’t bad. This was my plan B.

Comedy was my first love, but it wasn’t paying the bills. Nothing is more humbling than doing standup in a San Francisco laundromat, getting heckled by homeless people. “ You Suck.”

Oh what do you know? I just walked in on you washing your undies in the bathroom sink. If you think you can do better why don’t you give it a go.”

Crazy thing is the dude went on stage and killed it. I was embarrassed. Turns out he was the headlining comic that night. That was when I decided it was time to use my college degree.

Of course, now I have 3 hour and half sets a day with 30 plus hecklers. “Look kid I don’t come to YOUR job and knock the milkshake out of your hand. Let me do me teach you little shit.

Booker T in the house? Harvard in the HOOD

I used to love substitute teaching at Booker T. It is like private school for middle class people. Why does Booker T. get everything? It’s a lil unfair.

You ever hang around a Booker T. grad? They know every other Booker T. Graduate in the world. It’s like a cult. I paid someone to teach me the booker T secret handshake I’ll show you.

I feel like Booker T is where rich people send their kids to keep em from being complete brats. “But Mummy, Daddy, I don’t want to go to Booker T. I want to go to Bishop Kelly with my friends.”

“Listen Bradley. you’re going to have to learn how to interact with poor people.One day these people are going to work for you, it’s important for you to know how to communicate with them. And don’t forget Bradley.poor people vote too.”

I teach at [Redacted]. People cringe when I tell them that. They ask if it is you know “ a little rough?”

to which I laugh. I grew up in Dallas. One of the high schools I attended had metal detectors at the entrance. If you took the kids at Phoenix Rising and placed them in a school the size of Memorial, that would almost equate to the experience I had my sophomore year. I spent most of my free time hiding out in the library like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption.

I love teaching, it’s been a lot more fun this year than last. As a first year teacher, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. At the end of last spring you would have thought I was reenacting a scene from Platoon. I was shell shocked.

First semester I was just  bugging out on the irony of being a teacher. I was the biggest space case in high school, a huge slacker. I would just stare out the window and just wish for the end of high school to finally come. There must have been a Monkey’s Paw hidden in my desk because look at me now. I hated high school, and now I teach high school. I cried after the first graduation I had to work, because they were leaving and I was going to wake up and still be in high school.

I teach 9th graders. It is a good marriage because I’m only slightly more mature than they are. At this point I behave like a really mature 20 year old. My students waste at least 5 mins of class a day trying to figure out how old i am. The only hint I ever give them is that I listened to Eazy E and Tupac when they were still alive. #OGSTATUS

It is a trip seeing the students develop as the year progresses. It is scary cuz you can almost pinpoint the point when their innocence starts dissipating. Couples go from being cutesy to just plain lewd.

“Something about you seems different these days Hayley, and I can’t figure out what it………..ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well uhhhh….. looks like your life is about to become infinitely more complicated…..sit down, there’s a Cat Stevens song I need you to listen to.”

Life is too short. It’s important to keep that in mind, This is a job of public service. If you are only doing it for summers off and a paycheck, then you may need to reevaluate what you want in life. Life is too short to be miserable. These kids are going through it.

Its hard enough being a teenager, and there is plenty of negativity in the outside world for them to encounter. The classroom should be a safe place for them to find some sort of guidance on how to maneuver this crazy place.

I try to push them to be the best people they can be. Not all of them are meant for college but I certainly advise them on it:

“College? Oh yeah. College is the best party 20,000 dollars can buy. Don’t be afraid to take the hit. Loans? Yeah take em. Truth is they expect you to pay the money back. Its like a game you play with your parents. Consider it a gift. What? Bankruptcy? That is only real in Monopoly money. Donald Trump went bankrupt 4 times and now he has a 31 percent approval rating. Its 2016 pimpin’ you can be anythang you want.”

I try to take the opportunity to teach them decorum  and etiquette. It feels like this generation never learned about “please and thank you” basic manners 101 where I am from. Yes sir, No maam.

The worst is when they want something and instead of asking they tell me “I should [fill in request] here’

I know it has been a long time since my last English course, but I’m pretty sure that you just uttered a declarative sentence. Was that meant to be a question?

Funnily enough, it is only at this exact moment that I realize how much I’ve been stumbling through the world blindly, lost in a wilderness like descendents of the tribe of Israel.. How was I to know that my whole life all I needed was a 14 yr old snot nosed kid to become my life coach, and tell me exactly what I need to do in my life?Unbelievable. It is like the universe enrolled you into my class just so you could help me. This is some shit straight out of the “Secret.” I can’t wait to email Oprah about this. God bless you my child.

We have any ELL teachers in here? I’m still a little confused about the whole ELL program. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to build a curriculum for a kid who can barely speak English. I have taken 4 years of Advanced Spanish and I can barely order Chicarones at the taco stand without the cashier giggling at me. These kids are supposed to understand the basic concepts of our government? Are you serious? .

I can imagine if I had moved to Mexico my sophomore year of high school and sat in a civics class there.

“Senor Roberto, Tu Puedes digame Que Hombre vendre California a los Estatos Unidos? La Repuesta es en pagina setenta dos.”

“ Es Fue Presidente Fox?”

“No Senor.”

‘Chingaaaaa. Es muy deficiles profesora!!!”

I’m just saying…..

anyway…teachers should get paid more. Like I said before, this was my plan D. First I thought I was going to be a professional baseball player, then I thought I was going to be a sportswriter, then a comedian…and now………. this works for me though. I liked the freedom of being an artist, but I knew things were pretty bleak when I started mixing shrimp ramen and beef ramen together and calling it Surf and Turf.

What I didn’t know was that by becoming a teacher I was essentially taking a vow of poverty. My plan of marrying up was ruined when my girlfriend of 8 days broke up with me. I was putting in my bid to become a house husband. “what do you mean I don’t make enough money? You make 80 grand? I can freelance write and take care of the kids while you are at work. Then when they go off to college, I can go back to school and get my master’s–then leave you for someone 20 years younger. I  have it all figured out babe.”

One of the bigger obstacles I have found is dealing with phones. I remember we couldn’t even have our pagers at school when I was a teenager. Remember pagers? You could leave messages on people’s phones. They’d have to turn it upside down. Like 7734 2 06 was go to hell. there was 911, and of course…….80085 was boobs.

I would have never thought we’d be at the point now with cell phones. Its such a problem, and not just because it’s a distraction. Text speak has ruined this generation’s vocabulary.

Me: “I don’t understand these answers you put on your text Juan. We watched one video of North Korea, why would you think it was the answer to so many questions?

Juan: “What you mean North Korea? I ain’t put that for no answer.”

Me: Surely you did, and you didn’t even get the abreviation right. It’s DPRK for Democratic People’s   Republic of Korea, not Independent Democratic of Korea.

Juan: “Man you is tripping. IDK means I don’t know. Where the hell you been Mr. McFail?

“aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh you stupid Mr. McFail.”

This is usually where I try to bridge the gap with topical humor to show I’m not such a square.’

“Knock knock.”

“WHo’s there?”

“Dee.”

“Dee who?”

“ Deez notes…….on the board.”
GOT EMMMMMM

~BM