A New Set of Teacher Jokes

1 Oct

Teaching ain’t bad. This was my plan B.

Comedy was my first love, but it wasn’t paying the bills. Nothing is more humbling than doing standup in a San Francisco laundromat, getting heckled by homeless people. “ You Suck.”

Oh what do you know? I just walked in on you washing your undies in the bathroom sink. If you think you can do better why don’t you give it a go.”

Crazy thing is the dude went on stage and killed it. I was embarrassed. Turns out he was the headlining comic that night. That was when I decided it was time to use my college degree.

Of course, now I have 3 hour and half sets a day with 30 plus hecklers. “Look kid I don’t come to YOUR job and knock the milkshake out of your hand. Let me do me teach you little shit.

Booker T in the house? Harvard in the HOOD

I used to love substitute teaching at Booker T. It is like private school for middle class people. Why does Booker T. get everything? It’s a lil unfair.

You ever hang around a Booker T. grad? They know every other Booker T. Graduate in the world. It’s like a cult. I paid someone to teach me the booker T secret handshake I’ll show you.

I feel like Booker T is where rich people send their kids to keep em from being complete brats. “But Mummy, Daddy, I don’t want to go to Booker T. I want to go to Bishop Kelly with my friends.”

“Listen Bradley. you’re going to have to learn how to interact with poor people.One day these people are going to work for you, it’s important for you to know how to communicate with them. And don’t forget Bradley.poor people vote too.”

I teach at [Redacted]. People cringe when I tell them that. They ask if it is you know “ a little rough?”

to which I laugh. I grew up in Dallas. One of the high schools I attended had metal detectors at the entrance. If you took the kids at Phoenix Rising and placed them in a school the size of Memorial, that would almost equate to the experience I had my sophomore year. I spent most of my free time hiding out in the library like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption.

I love teaching, it’s been a lot more fun this year than last. As a first year teacher, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. At the end of last spring you would have thought I was reenacting a scene from Platoon. I was shell shocked.

First semester I was just  bugging out on the irony of being a teacher. I was the biggest space case in high school, a huge slacker. I would just stare out the window and just wish for the end of high school to finally come. There must have been a Monkey’s Paw hidden in my desk because look at me now. I hated high school, and now I teach high school. I cried after the first graduation I had to work, because they were leaving and I was going to wake up and still be in high school.

I teach 9th graders. It is a good marriage because I’m only slightly more mature than they are. At this point I behave like a really mature 20 year old. My students waste at least 5 mins of class a day trying to figure out how old i am. The only hint I ever give them is that I listened to Eazy E and Tupac when they were still alive. #OGSTATUS

It is a trip seeing the students develop as the year progresses. It is scary cuz you can almost pinpoint the point when their innocence starts dissipating. Couples go from being cutesy to just plain lewd.

“Something about you seems different these days Hayley, and I can’t figure out what it………..ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well uhhhh….. looks like your life is about to become infinitely more complicated…..sit down, there’s a Cat Stevens song I need you to listen to.”

Life is too short. It’s important to keep that in mind, This is a job of public service. If you are only doing it for summers off and a paycheck, then you may need to reevaluate what you want in life. Life is too short to be miserable. These kids are going through it.

Its hard enough being a teenager, and there is plenty of negativity in the outside world for them to encounter. The classroom should be a safe place for them to find some sort of guidance on how to maneuver this crazy place.

I try to push them to be the best people they can be. Not all of them are meant for college but I certainly advise them on it:

“College? Oh yeah. College is the best party 20,000 dollars can buy. Don’t be afraid to take the hit. Loans? Yeah take em. Truth is they expect you to pay the money back. Its like a game you play with your parents. Consider it a gift. What? Bankruptcy? That is only real in Monopoly money. Donald Trump went bankrupt 4 times and now he has a 31 percent approval rating. Its 2016 pimpin’ you can be anythang you want.”

I try to take the opportunity to teach them decorum  and etiquette. It feels like this generation never learned about “please and thank you” basic manners 101 where I am from. Yes sir, No maam.

The worst is when they want something and instead of asking they tell me “I should [fill in request] here’

I know it has been a long time since my last English course, but I’m pretty sure that you just uttered a declarative sentence. Was that meant to be a question?

Funnily enough, it is only at this exact moment that I realize how much I’ve been stumbling through the world blindly, lost in a wilderness like descendents of the tribe of Israel.. How was I to know that my whole life all I needed was a 14 yr old snot nosed kid to become my life coach, and tell me exactly what I need to do in my life?Unbelievable. It is like the universe enrolled you into my class just so you could help me. This is some shit straight out of the “Secret.” I can’t wait to email Oprah about this. God bless you my child.

We have any ELL teachers in here? I’m still a little confused about the whole ELL program. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to build a curriculum for a kid who can barely speak English. I have taken 4 years of Advanced Spanish and I can barely order Chicarones at the taco stand without the cashier giggling at me. These kids are supposed to understand the basic concepts of our government? Are you serious? .

I can imagine if I had moved to Mexico my sophomore year of high school and sat in a civics class there.

“Senor Roberto, Tu Puedes digame Que Hombre vendre California a los Estatos Unidos? La Repuesta es en pagina setenta dos.”

“ Es Fue Presidente Fox?”

“No Senor.”

‘Chingaaaaa. Es muy deficiles profesora!!!”

I’m just saying…..

anyway…teachers should get paid more. Like I said before, this was my plan D. First I thought I was going to be a professional baseball player, then I thought I was going to be a sportswriter, then a comedian…and now………. this works for me though. I liked the freedom of being an artist, but I knew things were pretty bleak when I started mixing shrimp ramen and beef ramen together and calling it Surf and Turf.

What I didn’t know was that by becoming a teacher I was essentially taking a vow of poverty. My plan of marrying up was ruined when my girlfriend of 8 days broke up with me. I was putting in my bid to become a house husband. “what do you mean I don’t make enough money? You make 80 grand? I can freelance write and take care of the kids while you are at work. Then when they go off to college, I can go back to school and get my master’s–then leave you for someone 20 years younger. I  have it all figured out babe.”

One of the bigger obstacles I have found is dealing with phones. I remember we couldn’t even have our pagers at school when I was a teenager. Remember pagers? You could leave messages on people’s phones. They’d have to turn it upside down. Like 7734 2 06 was go to hell. there was 911, and of course…….80085 was boobs.

I would have never thought we’d be at the point now with cell phones. Its such a problem, and not just because it’s a distraction. Text speak has ruined this generation’s vocabulary.

Me: “I don’t understand these answers you put on your text Juan. We watched one video of North Korea, why would you think it was the answer to so many questions?

Juan: “What you mean North Korea? I ain’t put that for no answer.”

Me: Surely you did, and you didn’t even get the abreviation right. It’s DPRK for Democratic People’s   Republic of Korea, not Independent Democratic of Korea.

Juan: “Man you is tripping. IDK means I don’t know. Where the hell you been Mr. McFail?

“aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh you stupid Mr. McFail.”

This is usually where I try to bridge the gap with topical humor to show I’m not such a square.’

“Knock knock.”

“WHo’s there?”

“Dee.”

“Dee who?”

“ Deez notes…….on the board.”
GOT EMMMMMM

~BM

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