Archive | October, 2009


30 Oct

One of my favorite Carver poems, pictured here with Tess Gallagher











In order to be able to live
on the right side of the law.
To always use his own name
and phone number. To go bail
for a friend and not give
a damn if the friend skips town.
Hope, in fact, she does.
To give some money
to his mother. And to his
children and their mother.
Not save it. He wants
to use it up before it’s gone.
Buy clothes with it.
Pay the rent and utilities.
Buy food, and then some.
Go out for dinner when he feels like it.
And it’s okay
to order anything off the menu!
Buy drugs when he wants.
Buy a car. If it breaks
down, repair it. Or else
buy another. See that
boat? He might buy one
just like it. And sail it
around the Horn, looking
for company. He knows a
girl in Porto Alegre who’d love
to see him in
his own boat,sails full,
turn into the harbor for her.
A fellow who could afford
to come all this way
to see her. Just because
he liked the sound
of her laughter,
and the way she swings her hair.

~Raymond Carver~


Middle of the Road

27 Oct

neil-young-bw-photo“Traveling there soon became a bore, so I headed for the ditch. A rougher ride, but I saw more interesting people there.”
–Neil Young, in the Decade liner notes

New Book

23 Oct

Instant Exchange of Recognition finally on sale at

Its actually more of a bargain than S& M. $13.30 in American dollars..

check it out.



21 Oct
I actually prefer this poem to the more popular "Howl."

I actually prefer this poem to the more popular "Howl."

Hadda Been Playing On The Jukebox
Written by Allen Ginsberg, performed by Rage Against the Machine
It had to be flashin’ like the daily double
It had to be playin’ on TV
It had to be loud mouthed on the comedy hour
It had to be announced over loud speakers

The CIA and the Mafia are in cahoots

It had to be said in old ladies’ language
It had to be said in American headlines
Kennedy stretched and smiled and got double crossed by lowlife goons and agents
Rich bankers with criminal connections
Dope pushers in CIA working with dope pushers from Cuba working with a
big time syndicate from Tampa, Florida
And it had to be said with a big mouth

It had to be moaned over factory foghorns
It had to be chattered on car radio news broadcasts
It had to be screamed in the kitchen
It had to be yelled in the basement where uncles were fighting

It had to be howled on the streets by newsboys to bus conductors
It had to be foghorned into New York harbor
It had to echo onto hard hats
It had to turn up the volume in university ballrooms

It had to be written in library books, footnoted
It had to be in the headlines of the Times and Le Monde
It had to be barked on TV
It had to be heard in alleys through ballroom doors

It had to be played on wire services
It had to be bells ringing
Comedians stopped dead in the middle of a joke in Las Vegas

It had to be FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover and Frank Costello syndicate
mouthpiece meeting in Central Park, New York weekends,
reported Time magazine

It had to be the Mafia and the CIA together starting war on Cuba,
Bay of Pigs and poison assassination headlines

It had to be dope cops in the Mafia
Who sold all their heroin in America

It had to be the FBI and organized crime working together
in cahoots against the commies

It had to be ringing on multinational cash registers
A world-wide laundry for organized criminal money

It had to be the CIA and the Mafia and the FBI together
They were bigger than Nixon
And they were bigger than war

It had to be a large room full of murder
It had to be a mounted ass- a solid mass of rage
A red hot pen
A scream in the back of the throat

It had to be a kid that can breathe
It had to be in Rockefellers’ mouth
It had to be central intelligence, the family, allofthis, the agency Mafia
It had to be organized crime

One big set of gangs working together in cahoots

Murderers everywhere

The secret
The drunk
The brutal
The dirty rich

On top of a slag heap of prisons
Industrial cancer
Plutonium smog
Garbage cities

Grandmas’ bed soft from fathers’ resentment

It had to be the rulers
They wanted law and order
And they got rich on wanting protection for the status quo

They wanted junkies
They wanted Attica
They wanted Kent State
They wanted war in Indochina

It had to be the CIA and the Mafia and the FBI

Multinational capitalists
Strong armed squads
Private detective agencies for the rich
And their armies and navies and their air force bombing planes

It had to be capitalism
The vortex of this rage
This competition
Man to man

The horses head in a capitalists’ bed
The Cuban turf
It rumbles in hitmen
And gang wars across oceans

Bombing Cambodia settled the score when Soviet pilots
manned Egyptian fighter planes

Chiles’ red democracy
Bumped off with White House pots and pans

A warning to Mediterranean governments

The secret police have been embraced for decades

The NKPD and CIA keep each other’s secrets
The OGBU and DIA never hit their own
The KGB and the FBI are one mind

Brute force and full of money
Brute force, world-wide, and full of money
Brute force, world-wide, and full of money
Brute force, world-wide, and full of money
Brute force, world-wide, and full of money

It had to be rich and it had to be powerful
They had to murder in Indonesia 500000
They had to murder in Indochina 2000000
They had to murder in Czechoslovakia
They had to murder in Chile
They had to murder in Russia

And they had to murder in America

Quite possibly the toughest man who ever lived

15 Oct

Dick Proenneke.

just found out about this cat. Watched a film on him at the library. Built his own fucking log cabin in the wilderness. Even the door hinges were made from a bucket…..carved his own spoons and bowls…..what tha fuck????

he left in 1968 to go up to Alaska and stayed for 30 years…..30 years no tang???? Dude was like a monk. Amazing. Simply Amazing.

Just a few questions

15 Oct

So in order to weed out the bad ones…a buddy and I decided I needed to come up with a few key questions to give me an idea of what kind of girl I’m dealing with. A small little survey if you will.

Though I think about how much easier it was to meet women in college. it was like the school was just floodgate for young coeds, and classes were designed simply so you could meet women with similar interests.

Now what are you to do? Where can you meet these women? If you work all the time, come home to rest, and then go back to work, two options exist:
Date women at work (not an option where I am)
or go to the bar.

If you’re lucky, you may meet a woman at a concert, or at the library, but how often does this happen?

I do recall a buddy of mine from California, went up on Grizzely Peak in Berkeley to watch the sunset and met this hot Isreali girl who was also watching the sunset. They hit it off and yadda yadda yadda, she and he, and her friend and I are in san Francisco eating tapas (but that was the one exception I can think of).

I’ve tried online dating and I’m even more awkward at starting conversations online than in real life……

and then there is Facebook….you can meet up with old girls you never closed the deal with and finally hook up with Susie Silverstein from 11th grade English. you don’t have to go through silly conversation just to find out if she’s single or not……her dating status is already presented for you…….not sure if this’ll work for me either…..but in case I do meet another woman, she’s gonna get directed to this blog where she’ll hopefully cut and paste the questions and answer them seperately on an email.

From the guy who brought you the McFail scale…..well I couldn’t come up with a name for this questionaire……(The Eclectic Bmick acid test???)so we’ll just bring on the questions:

1)I’m satisfied if I can have sex ______ times a week.

2) What is your opinion on psycho-active drugs?

3)Girl on girl makes me feel__________.

4)When people ask me what kind of music I like, I reply
a) I like a little bit of everything except country
b) I like a little bit of everything except rap
c) I really only listen to NPR
d) depends on what mood I’m in.

5) Is there a history of mental illness in your family?

6)What STD’s are you most likely carrying?
b)full blown herpes
c) just got over a case of the clap
d) I’m clean as a broke dick dog
e) your buddies wouldn’t fuck me with YOUR dick

7) Sucking dick is
a) disgusting
b) a chore but I’ll do it if I love you enough
c) as routine to me as an after dinner mint.

8) If a guy offered me 5,000 dollars cash on the spot to watch a dog (of my choice) lick my pussy I’d react by_________.

9) My mother gained _______ lbs after she had kids.

10) If I had a milion dollars I’d_______.

11) My favorite time of the day to have sex is ____.

12) My favorite sexual position is____.

13) If you could have sex anywhere in the world, where would it to be?

14) Which do you prefer, finger in the ass, tongue in the ass, dick in the ass, or none of the above?

15)This term best describes me,
a)Tom Boy
b) Lipstick lezzie
c) Ball buster
d) Princess
e) none of the above I’m better described as a________.

16)Going to a sporting event as a date sounds like,
a) fun
b) ridiculous
c) complete waste of time
d) something I’d do once in a while but only if it appeases my boyfriend.

17) A guy who goes grocerey shopping in his bathrobe is
a)lazy degenerate who should be ostracized from society
b) probably a poseur asshole who watched too much Lebowski
c) laid back guy who is comfortable with himself.

18) A man who makes less money than me can_______.

19)When my boyfriend is watching sports I
a) nestle next to him on the couch and beg for his attention
b) complain when he’s not giving me his attention
c) go run errands or go outside to do yard work.
d) grab a couple of beers and sit down and watch with him.

20) Cooking and cleaning is
a) woman’s work
b) something our hired help did when I was growing up
c) pretty fun with the right tunes and good company.

21) List in order of preference the kind of movies you pay to see
a) documentaries
b) drama
c) comedy
d) action and thriller
e) romantic comedy
f) horror
g) science fiction

22) Taking this survey made me
a) My butthole clench tighter than a Gorilla’s fist
b) Just a bit more dumber
c) wonder how in the hell did Bobby Mickey ever get a girlfriend.

Thanks for playing.

Livin’ on Tulsa Time

15 Oct

I really dig you baby but I gotta keep a moving....on.......keep moving on.

I really dig you baby but I gotta keep a moving....on.......keep moving on.

I love this place. I love Oklahoma. I really do. Okies really are the salt of the earth. I have encountered nothing but loving people here.
I work with some really awesome people. I was lucky enough to have some really awesome neighbors and friends. My job at Youth Services has been an incredible experience.

But its time to go. I have a feeling another ice storm is coming. tis October and its already getting pretty cold. I either have to commit for the winter, or leave.

Commitment means buying an actual bed, possibly even a car, lots of winter gear, a television, record player, things one buys when they settle down.

I just can’t do it here unfortunately. Too many ghosts, and I just can’t
handle another winter here. Mentally I just don’t have it in me.

But its been such a great time and knowing that my time here is limited gives me back the freshness I had when I first got here. There is the desire to soak every moment up.

I’ve gotten to see a couple of Thunder games, spent some time in Norman, and OKC….
its been such a myriad of emotions….

having seen a friend in SF for the first time in a year and a half, she wanted to know what had changed me so much….she said I seemed much more solid……so what happened?????

Life……pregnancy scares, domestic violence, busting my ass day and night to get stuff taken care of…..a couple of books later, a couple of tours later, wandering the streets of Portland, trying to find my way back home……..

there is this saying among blues musicians, a term for paying your dues called “getting some mud on you”

I really know what the blues is like now……..I know firsthand how delicious the combination of country music and stake is.

I’ve seen some “hard hard places” like in Joni Mitchell’s “Help ME.”

Its been great. Living life…..I knew there was a reason to move here, and no matter hwo hard it got for me I stuck it out here until the same voice that told me to move here, was telling me to leave.

I’d been working waaaaay too much to compensate for my home life. Once me and the first old lady split, the job was the only thing keeping me here was my job.

When I got back from Toronto this July, I got really depressed and it was tough to even be home. I worked all night, slept all day and then wrote all night….i was very productive, but it was tough being at home….
coming back to my sleeping bag and beat up computer…..

So it is time to switch gears.
Move to Oregon, start a country band, do some Tai Chi, record a comedy album…….time to move on.

A couple of midwest gigs left, and a few more things to do before I go……….it’s been a really good trip… and if the day comes and its time to come back……well I’m okay with that too.

White Line Fever

14 Oct

My favorite version of a Merle Haggard tune. Feels very appropriate for me right now.

Saturdays were good for

14 Oct

Nursing hangovers and thinking about the night before.
Sitting on the porch with my roommate “Quilty”
Bong hits and watching cartoons in my pajamas
Cleaning house and listening to Flaming Lips
Grateful Dead in the sunroom
Broken Social Scene and good spirits
Cooking lunch to the “Bends” album.

Checking out music from the UNT library
Catching up on emails
College football on the couch.

Beating off and writing poetry
Beating off and watching porn
Beating off.

(Not) catching up on schoolwork
Tecmo bowl at my Dad’s house
X-Box tournaments with the roommates
Sunbathing at Barton Springs Pool
Hiking the Oakland Hills
Strolling Stinson Beach in silence.

Pickup basketball in Berkeley
Whiffle ball in the backyard
Neighborhood football games
Rec-league baseball.

Free shows at J & J’s pizza
Going to the bar in my bathrobe
Dance parties and Fela Kuti.
The likelihood of “Trim.”

Biscuits and eggs with Becki
Pancakes with Margie
Eggs over easy with Terri
Sushi with Sally
Stir fry with Mandy
Ice cream with Kathy.


was for
and dreading
the work week.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

Exit Velocity:Swimming in bullshit and thinking its chocolate milk

12 Oct

Can anyone explain why two men would willingly give up this heavenly piece of work? Must be more to the picture than meets the eye

Can anyone explain why two men would willingly give up this heavenly piece of work? Must be more to the picture than meets the eye

Funny how you can look back at an event or a time period and realize just how irrational you were.
When you are in the midst of chaos, its hard to think rationally.

After I got off the phone with her, I knew something had to change but what?

I’d been so entrenched in shit that it never occurred that I’d have to make a fundamental change in order to not fall back in the same patterns.

Right now I’m understanding just how crazy the past three years have been for me.

Coast to Coast in blur, the nomadic negro traveling for the sake of………

But here I was contemplating the break up of another union with another domineering, know it all, manipulative, castrating female.

The definition of a castrating female:

A woman who uses her sexuality to seduce a man’s mind and sway his decisions on matters.

This is the kind of woman who uses sex against a man in hopes of getting her way.

A woman who is so domineering in her ways (i.e. control freak) that she purposely dates men with no backbones, in order to maintain a sense of control. Eventually she grows tired of this kind of guy, dumps him for a man with a stronger sense of self worth, but finds him to be too hard to control and then dumps him for another man with no backbone.

The problem is that once a man is no longer interested in sex with that particular woman she no longer has that power. They can only play the crying, vulnerable and weak card for so long before that loses its momentum.

Having dated a few of these gals over the years you’d think I could recognize it when I run across it. For the most part I can, but occasionally the right combination of brains and beauty will knock me on my heels.

Am I completely innocent? Hell no. I’ve done some dirt, some serious dirt. I’ve initiated breaks, told untruths, and been a complete heartless bastard in some cases.

So its no surprise that I’d fall for a narcissistic, crafty, and beautiful woman with a streak of viciousness beneath a sweet demeanor.

I’d often remarked that meeting her was like taking a hit of LSD. My senses were super heightened. I felt so open and intuitive. I felt so sensitive and loving and happy, and sad all at the time.

I’d met the other half of me. I felt like we’d really picked up where the other left off, gap filling if you will. She was perfect for me. So what was wrong?

SHe had that same cold blooded killer instinct within her, and she had her own priorities.

It took me a while to fully digest this. I spent many nights drinking whiskey and listening to country music, lamenting my losses and trying to find a way to push ahead and not feel sorry for myself.

But it wasn’t until I’d gotten off the phone the other night with her that it really made sense.

I was getting what I deserved.

I could still bitch about everything that happened with her, but why? This was exactly what I needed to happen to me.

Meeting her was indeed a life changing psychedelic trip–like having a mirror held in front of my face. I saw everything that I was and had been. All the ugly parts of myself were exposed in seeing how she was behaving. I even found myself saying some of the things other gals had said to me. Things such as,

“Not lying isn’t the same as telling the truth.”
etc. etc……

I’m forced to consider every interaction I’d had with the opposite sex and every interacation I will have in the future. I’ll need a long break from women for while, understanding that it might be awhile before I get laid again. I’m okay with that. Been due for a dry spell for quite some time… is just as good as a time as any.

So where am I now??? Well getting ready to get the fuck out of the midwest. The cold is coming, and that wind is blowing something nasty in December down here.

I don’t think I can handle another winter here, this was not a part of the “PLAN” MAN!!!!

I’ll be spending the next six weeks job hunting in the Northwest. But I could easily snowbird it in Texas or California………to be continued