Exit Velocity:Swimming in bullshit and thinking its chocolate milk

Funny how you can look back at an event or a time period and realize just how irrational you were.
When you are in the midst of chaos, its hard to think rationally.

After I got off the phone with her, I knew something had to change but what?

I’d been so entrenched in shit that it never occurred that I’d have to make a fundamental change in order to not fall back in the same patterns.

Right now I’m understanding just how crazy the past three years have been for me.

Coast to Coast in blur, the nomadic negro traveling for the sake of………

But here I was contemplating the break up of another union with another domineering, know it all, manipulative, castrating female.

The definition of a castrating female:

A woman who uses her sexuality to seduce a man’s mind and sway his decisions on matters.

This is the kind of woman who uses sex against a man in hopes of getting her way.

A woman who is so domineering in her ways (i.e. control freak) that she purposely dates men with no backbones, in order to maintain a sense of control. Eventually she grows tired of this kind of guy, dumps him for a man with a stronger sense of self worth, but finds him to be too hard to control and then dumps him for another man with no backbone.

The problem is that once a man is no longer interested in sex with that particular woman she no longer has that power. They can only play the crying, vulnerable and weak card for so long before that loses its momentum.

Having dated a few of these gals over the years you’d think I could recognize it when I run across it. For the most part I can, but occasionally the right combination of brains and beauty will knock me on my heels.

Am I completely innocent? Hell no. I’ve done some dirt, some serious dirt. I’ve initiated breaks, told untruths, and been a complete heartless bastard in some cases.

So its no surprise that I’d fall for a narcissistic, crafty, and beautiful woman with a streak of viciousness beneath a sweet demeanor.

I’d often remarked that meeting her was like taking a hit of LSD. My senses were super heightened. I felt so open and intuitive. I felt so sensitive and loving and happy, and sad all at the time.

I’d met the other half of me. I felt like we’d really picked up where the other left off, gap filling if you will. She was perfect for me. So what was wrong?

SHe had that same cold blooded killer instinct within her, and she had her own priorities.

It took me a while to fully digest this. I spent many nights drinking whiskey and listening to country music, lamenting my losses and trying to find a way to push ahead and not feel sorry for myself.

But it wasn’t until I’d gotten off the phone the other night with her that it really made sense.

I was getting what I deserved.

I could still bitch about everything that happened with her, but why? This was exactly what I needed to happen to me.

Meeting her was indeed a life changing psychedelic trip–like having a mirror held in front of my face. I saw everything that I was and had been. All the ugly parts of myself were exposed in seeing how she was behaving. I even found myself saying some of the things other gals had said to me. Things such as,

“Not lying isn’t the same as telling the truth.”
etc. etc……

I’m forced to consider every interaction I’d had with the opposite sex and every interacation I will have in the future. I’ll need a long break from women for while, understanding that it might be awhile before I get laid again. I’m okay with that. Been due for a dry spell for quite some time…..now is just as good as a time as any.

So where am I now??? Well getting ready to get the fuck out of the midwest. The cold is coming, and that wind is blowing something nasty in December down here.

I don’t think I can handle another winter here, this was not a part of the “PLAN” MAN!!!!

I’ll be spending the next six weeks job hunting in the Northwest. But I could easily snowbird it in Texas or California………to be continued