Archive | March, 2009


24 Mar

Shit man you got it!!!!

Shit man you got it!!!!

You would think that I’d feel a little more at ease now that there’s one of us in the White House.

In fact it’s the opposite, I get these paranoid thoughts that I’m gonna get attacked out of retaliation for Barack winning the election.

It’d be like when I used to get persecuted because I was from Texas and Bush used to be the governor, except I could at least pass as a dude from another state, the best I can say to my attackers is “Hey I didn’t vote this year!!! I forgot to get an absentee ballot!!!!”

This is a far cry from the initial elation of having a brutha in the office. Right after he won, I envisioned myself walking down the street and seeing every black person smiling and giving each other high fives and thumbs up for the next eight years. It’d be black history month every day.

White people could finally say “Hey cut me a break, I voted for Barack.” if they were ever accused of racism

(of course how could you not jump on the bandwagon, he was the sexy, pick. It was trendy. Some didn’t want to be accused of racist, some probably pretended to vote his way but went with McCain at the buzzer. But come on it couldn’t have been that hard dude’s rock star–he just ran the best campaign in presidential history–no one would be surprisd at all if he was on the next Kanye album).

Everybody’s a winner right?

can you imagine back in the early 1800’s. A slave master calls one of his workers in to talk with him.

“Now Jasper what’s this I hear about having these visions of a Negro presidnt?”

“Yessss suh, I had a dream last night that a black man lived in the white house and he wasn’t cleaning the beds or fixin’ supper neitha. He was giving speeches and barkin’ out orders.”

(Slave Master laughs) “I didn’t even know you knew there was a president. Black President man you darkies can’t even vote. Next thang you gon’ be tellin me is that you boys is gon haff yo own schools, and businesses, and clothing lines.

Now you may have predicted that my third baby would have a cleft palatte, and you may have predicted that crop freeze last fall, but I’m a haff to put my foot down on this one. You gotta better chance of us puttin a man on tha goddamn moon than to have one of you darkies as President of the United States.”

And the fucked up thing is that they’d both be right.


Broke Ass, Black Ass Mufucka

23 Mar



Sometimes I feel like I’m on a Japanese game show, where every cent I spend and earn is on a television monitor for the all of tv land to see.

“Spill half the macaroni because you didn’t invest in a pasta strainer” ~minus 15 points.

“Find a quarter in the urinal.” ~plus 5 points

“get your girlfriend knocked up because you were too cheap to buy rubbers” ~lose a turn and 500 dollars (250 if your girl goes half)

Every month when my old lady gets her period is like getting an extra life in Mario Bros.

This is the part of the game where I spin the wheel of fortune, but I have the chance of spinning the wheel and landing on a space with a pacifier and baby stroller instead of bankruptcy.

“No baby, No baby, no baby no baaaaaaaaabbbbbbbeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!”

Women get baby showers, I feel like men should get their own celebration when they don’t have a baby.

Once a month, call their buddies up, who come over with bottles of champagne and six packs. They cover the apartment with plastic so the electronics don’t get ruined, then start celebrating like they won the NBA Finals.

I’ve watched tons of Super Bowl and World Series celebrations and thought with envy, man I’ve love to be able to do that. Well I didn’t make it to the professional level as an athlete and there aren’t many occasions that would justifty such a homo-erotic celebratory event, so this may be the closest thing to it.

“I’d like to thank God for making my sex drive so strong and my sperm so weak. I’d like to thank Todd, my pot dealer for keeping me nice and sterile, keeping me outta shape. It was a team effort. And most of all, Thank you JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZUSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!”

“That’s all from the winners, let’s go over to Brent in the loser’s locker room.”

Horns Down

23 Mar

They just didn’t want it. What a game, how can you come from ten down only to lose at the end? To Duke? Messing up

my brackets (sort of–I picked 12/16 for my sweet sixteen and my final four teams are still alive)

But you mean to tell me that you have two time outs with the ball and 30 seconds left, you can’t call a time out?

You can’t draw up a play for AJ Abrams? You can’t pound it inside where you’ve been killing them?

Duke is well coached and they got decent players but I had Texas beating ’em…….it hurts Billy it hurts.


22 Mar

I get constantly harassed by creditors, calling my phone four or five times a day. Finally I answered “Look, leave me the fuck alone. Quit harassing me motherfucker!!!!!”

They said, “Look  Mr. Mickey, we wouldn’t have to harass you if you paid up. Wouldn’t you harass someone if they owed you 3,000 dollars?”

“Why no. No I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t lend a total stranger 3,000 dollars without at least meeting them first. Now good day to you.”


22 Mar

Answer: Alcohol Poisoning at a keg party, eaten by Grizzlies, Stingray bites, skydiving accidents.

“I’ll take ways that black people don’t die for 500 Alex.”

imagine a society

22 Mar

Where men are so comfortable with their sexuality, that instead of shaking hands, they shake each other’s penises like a handshake.

” Good to see you Harold.”

“How’s it going Donny?” They give each other’s penis a firm tug.

Imagine a fiery guy from Houston, ” Hey there you son of a bitch how you doing!!!!!????” 7 or eight hard, eager yanks later.

” Whoa now Bob. Calm down you’re stretching it out, you shake it more than three times you’re playing with it. I like whip cream in my ass and someone rubbing my  back while I’m getting jerked off!!!!!”

Serial killers (revisited)

21 Mar

too close to home

too close to home

My ex-girlfriend used to ask me why I was hesitant to have kids with her. I’d answer without any hesitation whatsoever, ” Because two crazy people can’t have kids. I’m one ” Hey Bulldog” listen away from losing my mind and starting my own cult out in Topanga Canyon.

Obviously black people don’t make good serial killers (except that guy from Texas who killed all those defenseless women in Michigan but he just looked off).

We usually get arrested the first time we kill someone. White guys get the benefit of the doubt. It usually takes a disgusting stench from someone’s basement or accidentally stumbling upon bodies in a guy’s trunk before they get busted (It took them forever to catch the Green River Killer, Ted Bundy, Gacy, and Dahmer)

Everyone always acts so surprised ” Oh you know he was a pretty quiet neighbor, kept to himself a lot, but he was quite considerate, he always offered to take out my garbage.” 

You have to have a weird sort of respect for serial killers though. It’s hard work, and it’s not like you can make a living killing people as a full time job (unless you’re George W. Bush or Tom Ridge)

Imagine there are people who hold full time jobs working 8-12 hours a day, then stalk their prey, kill them and methodically dispose of all the evidence. Now that’s hard work.

If I was that dedicated in my own hustle, I’d be a Pulitzer Prize winning author. I’m too lazy. I’ve considered killing people,but after racking my brain I realized just how difficult it is getting away with something like that.

Now I’ve masterminded thefts of massive quantity of candy, and I’ve cheated in high school science to get through my sophomore year. But to think of all the different ways a crime can be linked back to you, it is befuddling to think that some people have gotten away with it once, let alone fifteen plus times. How mentally cool do you have to be? It’s scary enough drinking and driving.

There was this one time in college, when I was having difficulty getting over an ex-girlfriend, that my grief and distress led me to sit and ponder on a small hill (that happened to sit about 75 yards from the front of her apartment). 

I was just sitting there 1:30 in the morning watching for when her new man would step onto her porch to leave. It was freezing cold, the middle of December if I recall correctly, and I just wanted to see a glimpse of the guy who was stoking my ex-old lady’s thighs. I just needed to see what he looked like, just for comparison’s sake.

It was driving me crazy and I couldn’t believe the state of mind I was had created this reality. And then I thought, “I wonder if this was how O. J. felt.” For whatever reason thinking this made me do a quick psychological evaluation of myself. I grabbed my backpack and immediately got to my feet. Then I hurriedly made my way home.

Why I cried when the Cowboys lost on Thanksgiving on Pete Stoyanavich’s last second field goal

20 Mar
thanks for ruining my Thanksgiving Leon

thanks for ruining my Thanksgiving Leon

Why I cried Thanksgiving Day When Pete Stoyanavich Nailed a Game Winning Field Goal

*Taken from the march 20, 2009 entry of my blog “The Nuclear Polio Vaccination”

When I was four years old my parents bought me a Cowboys T-shirt. There were these cool little cartoon drawings pictures Ed “Too Tall Jones”, Randy and Danny White, and Coach Tom Landry. One time I accidentally got a smidgeon of poop on the tail of my shirt. I was too young to consider the ramifications of not washing the shirt immediately and the stain dried. When the smell became too much for me days later, I discarded my beloved T-shirt.


My allegiance to the Cowboys started then before I was old enough to realize what happened. I couldn’t tell you if they were even a good team back then (Danny White was the Tony Romo-esque whipping boy then so probably not).


In some ways the years 1991-93 were the best of my life. I knew practically nothing about girls during this three year span. It was a wonderfully latent period, where my adolescent development coincided with the Cowboys going from a NFC Wild Card team to back to back Super Bowl champions.


Those teams were incredible to watch. The offense was unstoppable. Michael “Playmaker” Irvin still to this day remains my favorite football player of all time. And I was treated every Sunday to greatness of Jay Novacek, Emmitt Smith, Henrietta’s own Troy Aikman, and Daryl “Moose” Johnston.


The defense consisted of the deepest defensive line to take the field. Tony Tolbert, Charles Haley, Tony Casillas and Chad Hennings were such a force that they made things very easy for the secondary of Kevin Smith, Thomas Everett, James Washington, and Larry Brown.


The Cowboys also had one of the greatest coaches in football history, Coach Jimmy Johnson. He was also the only coach to win both an NFL title and a National Championship. He orchestrated it all and I learned so much about football from watching those championship teams and reading the books that followed.


Nate Newton had his own show on 1310 (“The Ticket”) which often had Michael Irvin as a guest. The laughs would last forever and I’d get a little melancholy when the clock read 6:50 and the show started winding down. I was consumed by the Cowboys success because my life and its awkward hormonal adjustments didn’t seem so awkward on those lovely Sundays, when it was time for the Cowboys to exert their dominance.


This of course was before egos got involved, mainly Jerry Jones’ ego. Jimmy Johnson was getting too much credit (deservedly so in my opinion) and Jerry couldn’t handle someone stealing the spotlight from him. So he ran Jimmy out of town after back-to back Super Bowl titles. Well, we all know the rest of this story. Jones hires Switzer to show just how easily replaced Johnson could be and the team went from disciplined and prepared to getting untimely penalties and turnovers.


During the second title defense they’d go down in the NFC Championship game 21-0 with three consecutive turnovers to start the first quarter againstSan Francisco. They would battle back but would get ruined by a non- pass interference call on Deion Sanders, and an in-excusable personal foul against Barry Switzer that wrapped up the game for the 49ers. This caused me one of the worst nights of my entire teenaged life (well before I’d wreck my dad’s pickup truck while he was at work.


The next year Jerry Jones hastily signed Deion Sanders and pissed away cap space during the first off-season of the salary cap era- free agency. The depth of tremendous talent was dwindling as their unsung heroes went on to better paychecks with other teams. The Boy’s were suddenly vulnerable at every position…….

They won the Super Bowl that year but you could smell what was in the water. They started losing more winnable games every year, drafting poorly and going through a head coach every three years when they’d only had two in the team’s history up to 1994.


The legendary players retired year after year and soon the Cowboys were just mediocre….They had taken a public image hit so badly from off the field incidents that they compromised what was a sure fire hit (Randy Moss) to get someone with character (Greg Ellis?). This could be one of the biggest sport’s what-if’s in football history. It is arguable that the Cowboys would be a different franchise and Randy Moss might have been a different player under the tutelage of Michael “Playmaker” Irvin. This pick may have extended the careers of many of the Cowboys players (Who knows, maybe the hit that ended Irvin’s career never happens if Moss is on the field taken attention away from Irvin).

When the losses started piling up, and I found better ways to waste my time, I quit watching altogether. Perhaps I can thank that mid-nineties slump for me being a well rounded person. Yet there was that part of me that missed getting excited about every upcoming season. Instead my predictions were “they’ll still suck just you watch.” People thought I was ‘being a hater”, but I always wanted to be wrong. I was just protecting myself.

Then the Tony Romo era arrived. And though I never agreed with the signing of Terrell Owens, he definitely brought a presence to the offense that had to be accounted for. Once again I was paying attention as the ‘Boys were back in the spotlight.


I was sucked in again–just enough to get sick when Romo fumbled in the Seahawks playoff game (thank God I missed the Giants game last year when they spit the bit). This year when everyone was saying Super Bowl or bust, I wanted to just see if they could win a playoff game.  I wasn’t surprised at all when things went south this year.
I was at a party one time and I overheard someone say that Jones was a southern version of AL Davis. A woman of all people had said this (had I any sense at all, I would have started dating this insightful young lady—but that’s another story for another time).


A fish stinks from the head down as they say, and I for one blame Jerry Jones. Because of his tomfoolery the Cowboys have had nothing but cream puff coaches (except Bill Parcells), bad drafts, and even worst free agent signing.


No self respecting coach will work for him as long as he keeps meddling in the football operation. The man knows how to make money but he has no idea how to run a football team. He needs to hire a legit coach and get out the way. Until then I won’t watch another Cowboys game–no matter how well they are doing because I (we?) ultimately know how it’s going to end.

I can’t stomach losing. It’s a sickening feeling to see them when lose one stupid way after another during the biggest games. I care too much and have seen too much championship football. Anyone who watched those early ’90′s teams understands what winning means and 10-6 and a first round exit in the playoffs doesn’t cut it for most Cowboys fans. It doesn’t matter how much Jones spent building that state-of-the-art luxury stadium. What does matters is who plays in it.

Like a man who still in love with a gal because he remembers the good old days of how it used to be, I had to learn to accept the present circumstances. Sometimes people grow apart and go in different directions. Even though there may still be a hint of hope that she might stop going out to the bar, getting toasted and spending all my money frivolously; things can’t change for the better unless there is a fundamental change from within.

Those glory days are gone. They will probably be gone forever. It has become a very unhealthy relationship with my Dallas Cowboys. My expectations are just unfair and unrealistic. While I was once a recovering Cowboy fan, I now identify myself as simply a football fan.

“There you were. Everybody watched you play. I just turned and walked away. I had nothing left to say. Because you’re still the same.” ~Bob Seger~

You never give me your pillow

20 Mar
Free Agency
The gamble you take with signing a high priced veteran is that their best years may be well behind them……

It’s a fine art of picking a player when they are at the crest of their years……

Its tough, it’s no fun when you have to say “your best years were from 18-25, and things don’t look like they’ll be getting any better”…..

Sometimes you’ll pick up a veteran desperately hungry for that ring and they’ll play really hard for that year…but then when they get it everything changes……………. come time for a contract negotiation and then they’ll be wanting big money…….

so then you have a choice…re-sign the vet for a max contract and make them the face of your franchise or say ” we appreciate everything you’ve done for the franchise, but it looks like we’ll be going in a different direction” then you unload the veteran and make your roster younger……………perhaps bringing in a younger player who has been on the bench a couple of years and is finally ready to step their game up for some crunch time minutes…….

if you choose to re-sign the vet, make it a year or two with bonus incentives…….because once an older vet gets a ring and a fat contract………they become more worried about comfort… and they aren’t as hungry to impress the franchise…..then they come to camp overweight and get lazy…..and don’t want to earn their keep…………………………………
then what do you do???? can’t trade them. Who wants an aging veteran with no legs left, injury-proned, and who’s been known to be a serious head case when the chips are down and you need them the most????????………….can’t release them…….cheaper to keep em……..all the money invested will screw you for years to come in cap penalties…………..then you just have to wait it out…hope for the best……….retirement or career ending injury still counts against your cap space…….and the franchise is fucked for years to come………….
and that’s why I’ll never get married.

G. I. Joe PSA’s

20 Mar
I wouldn't risk it if I were you Bobby!!!!!!

I wouldn't risk it if I were you Bobby!!!!!!

” Yeah girl, lemme get dis rubber on and then I’m gonna wear dis pussy out.”

“You don’t need a rubber to get dis pussy daddy!”

.. (sound of glass breaking)

“Hold on there Timmy. You might wanna rethink that.”

“Quick Kick!!!!!”

“Don’t take that trifling bitch’s word for it. Just cuz she looks healthy doesn’t mean she isn’t sick. There’s a live environment inside that hoo-hah of hers. No telling what kind of critters are breeding in there. And if you plan on eating the kitty you better use this.”

“Whooooooaaaaa dental dam.”

” That’s right Timmy, even if you’re just eating at the Y, you need to use some sort of protection, oral sex can still lead to STD’s like hepatitis, herpes, even the HIV. Why do you think Cobra Commander wears a mask?”

“I didn’t know that Cobra Commander had the herpes.”

“Well now you know, and knowing’s half the battle.”

G.I. JOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!