Archive | March, 2009

H.N.I.C.

24 Mar

Shit man you got it!!!!

Shit man you got it!!!!

You would think that I’d feel a little more at ease now that there’s one of us in the White House.

In fact it’s the opposite, I get these paranoid thoughts that I’m gonna get attacked out of retaliation for Barack winning the election.

It’d be like when I used to get persecuted because I was from Texas and Bush used to be the governor, except I could at least pass as a dude from another state, the best I can say to my attackers is “Hey I didn’t vote this year!!! I forgot to get an absentee ballot!!!!”

This is a far cry from the initial elation of having a brutha in the office. Right after he won, I envisioned myself walking down the street and seeing every black person smiling and giving each other high fives and thumbs up for the next eight years. It’d be black history month every day.

White people could finally say “Hey cut me a break, I voted for Barack.” if they were ever accused of racism

(of course how could you not jump on the bandwagon, he was the sexy, pick. It was trendy. Some didn’t want to be accused of racist, some probably pretended to vote his way but went with McCain at the buzzer. But come on it couldn’t have been that hard dude’s rock star–he just ran the best campaign in presidential history–no one would be surprisd at all if he was on the next Kanye album).

Everybody’s a winner right?

can you imagine back in the early 1800’s. A slave master calls one of his workers in to talk with him.

“Now Jasper what’s this I hear about having these visions of a Negro presidnt?”

“Yessss suh, I had a dream last night that a black man lived in the white house and he wasn’t cleaning the beds or fixin’ supper neitha. He was giving speeches and barkin’ out orders.”

(Slave Master laughs) “I didn’t even know you knew there was a president. Black President man you darkies can’t even vote. Next thang you gon’ be tellin me is that you boys is gon haff yo own schools, and businesses, and clothing lines.

Now you may have predicted that my third baby would have a cleft palatte, and you may have predicted that crop freeze last fall, but I’m a haff to put my foot down on this one. You gotta better chance of us puttin a man on tha goddamn moon than to have one of you darkies as President of the United States.”

And the fucked up thing is that they’d both be right.

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Broke Ass, Black Ass Mufucka

23 Mar

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!

Sometimes I feel like I’m on a Japanese game show, where every cent I spend and earn is on a television monitor for the all of tv land to see.

“Spill half the macaroni because you didn’t invest in a pasta strainer” ~minus 15 points.

“Find a quarter in the urinal.” ~plus 5 points

“get your girlfriend knocked up because you were too cheap to buy rubbers” ~lose a turn and 500 dollars (250 if your girl goes half)

Every month when my old lady gets her period is like getting an extra life in Mario Bros.

This is the part of the game where I spin the wheel of fortune, but I have the chance of spinning the wheel and landing on a space with a pacifier and baby stroller instead of bankruptcy.

“No baby, No baby, no baby no baaaaaaaaabbbbbbbeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!”

Women get baby showers, I feel like men should get their own celebration when they don’t have a baby.

Once a month, call their buddies up, who come over with bottles of champagne and six packs. They cover the apartment with plastic so the electronics don’t get ruined, then start celebrating like they won the NBA Finals.

I’ve watched tons of Super Bowl and World Series celebrations and thought with envy, man I’ve love to be able to do that. Well I didn’t make it to the professional level as an athlete and there aren’t many occasions that would justifty such a homo-erotic celebratory event, so this may be the closest thing to it.

“I’d like to thank God for making my sex drive so strong and my sperm so weak. I’d like to thank Todd, my pot dealer for keeping me nice and sterile, keeping me outta shape. It was a team effort. And most of all, Thank you JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZUSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!”

“That’s all from the winners, let’s go over to Brent in the loser’s locker room.”

Horns Down

23 Mar

They just didn’t want it. What a game, how can you come from ten down only to lose at the end? To Duke? Messing up

my brackets (sort of–I picked 12/16 for my sweet sixteen and my final four teams are still alive)

But you mean to tell me that you have two time outs with the ball and 30 seconds left, you can’t call a time out?

You can’t draw up a play for AJ Abrams? You can’t pound it inside where you’ve been killing them?

Duke is well coached and they got decent players but I had Texas beating ’em…….it hurts Billy it hurts.

Credit

22 Mar

I get constantly harassed by creditors, calling my phone four or five times a day. Finally I answered “Look, leave me the fuck alone. Quit harassing me motherfucker!!!!!”

They said, “Look  Mr. Mickey, we wouldn’t have to harass you if you paid up. Wouldn’t you harass someone if they owed you 3,000 dollars?”

“Why no. No I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t lend a total stranger 3,000 dollars without at least meeting them first. Now good day to you.”

Jeopardy

22 Mar

Answer: Alcohol Poisoning at a keg party, eaten by Grizzlies, Stingray bites, skydiving accidents.

“I’ll take ways that black people don’t die for 500 Alex.”

imagine a society

22 Mar

Where men are so comfortable with their sexuality, that instead of shaking hands, they shake each other’s penises like a handshake.

” Good to see you Harold.”

“How’s it going Donny?” They give each other’s penis a firm tug.

Imagine a fiery guy from Houston, ” Hey there you son of a bitch how you doing!!!!!????” 7 or eight hard, eager yanks later.

” Whoa now Bob. Calm down you’re stretching it out, you shake it more than three times you’re playing with it. I like whip cream in my ass and someone rubbing my  back while I’m getting jerked off!!!!!”

Serial killers (revisited)

21 Mar

too close to home

too close to home

My ex-girlfriend used to ask me why I was hesitant to have kids with her. I’d answer without any hesitation whatsoever, ” Because two crazy people can’t have kids. I’m one ” Hey Bulldog” listen away from losing my mind and starting my own cult out in Topanga Canyon.

Obviously black people don’t make good serial killers (except that guy from Texas who killed all those defenseless women in Michigan but he just looked off).

We usually get arrested the first time we kill someone. White guys get the benefit of the doubt. It usually takes a disgusting stench from someone’s basement or accidentally stumbling upon bodies in a guy’s trunk before they get busted (It took them forever to catch the Green River Killer, Ted Bundy, Gacy, and Dahmer)

Everyone always acts so surprised ” Oh you know he was a pretty quiet neighbor, kept to himself a lot, but he was quite considerate, he always offered to take out my garbage.” 

You have to have a weird sort of respect for serial killers though. It’s hard work, and it’s not like you can make a living killing people as a full time job (unless you’re George W. Bush or Tom Ridge)

Imagine there are people who hold full time jobs working 8-12 hours a day, then stalk their prey, kill them and methodically dispose of all the evidence. Now that’s hard work.

If I was that dedicated in my own hustle, I’d be a Pulitzer Prize winning author. I’m too lazy. I’ve considered killing people,but after racking my brain I realized just how difficult it is getting away with something like that.

Now I’ve masterminded thefts of massive quantity of candy, and I’ve cheated in high school science to get through my sophomore year. But to think of all the different ways a crime can be linked back to you, it is befuddling to think that some people have gotten away with it once, let alone fifteen plus times. How mentally cool do you have to be? It’s scary enough drinking and driving.

There was this one time in college, when I was having difficulty getting over an ex-girlfriend, that my grief and distress led me to sit and ponder on a small hill (that happened to sit about 75 yards from the front of her apartment). 

I was just sitting there 1:30 in the morning watching for when her new man would step onto her porch to leave. It was freezing cold, the middle of December if I recall correctly, and I just wanted to see a glimpse of the guy who was stoking my ex-old lady’s thighs. I just needed to see what he looked like, just for comparison’s sake.

It was driving me crazy and I couldn’t believe the state of mind I was had created this reality. And then I thought, “I wonder if this was how O. J. felt.” For whatever reason thinking this made me do a quick psychological evaluation of myself. I grabbed my backpack and immediately got to my feet. Then I hurriedly made my way home.