Archive | March, 2013

Deserve has got nothing to do with it.

13 Mar

I must have been really down to do something like that to myself
I must have been so numb to initiate something so self destructive
like a cutter, hurting themselves to see if they were still capable of feeling.

The most sour, vindictive, superficial, petty piece of pussy
I ever put my dick into.

Her Tammy
My Chinaski.

Why the fuck would I do this to myself?

Why would I think I deserved this?

Someone who cared more for furry animals
her vinyl collection
tattoos, and fashion
than genuine communication.

She could take the dick
but not the criticism
a gal that much in denial is dangerous

how could she be honest with me
when she was constantly lying to her own self?

Walked right into a buzz saw because
I was feeling too sorry for myself
to pay attention.

Oops. My bad.

No matter.
Wont happen again.

But if it were to happen again
it will definitely
be full sass
no holding back
full tilt
all barrels locked
loaded
and firing.
And hopefully it would involve some
freshly sliced mangoes.

It would be the most indulgent thing
I ever done in my life.

~Edward Austin Robertson

Can you tell what's on my mind?

Can you tell what’s on my mind?

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The Lesson in Losing

13 Mar

I could have run,
probably should have than
engaged in a game I couldn’t win.

I knew what was on the other side of that door
waiting for me,
a match with a “win at all costs” opponent
that could result in failure, heartbreak and
take me to the edges of insanity.

But I also knew there was an opportunity for me
to learn just how well I could perform under duress,
a litmus test for mental toughness–
a measuring stick for growth.

Call it foolishness
call it hubris
you could even call it boredom.

But I can walk away
knowing that I left it all on the field
that I performed as well as I was capable of
and surpassed all my own expectations.

I fought valiantly
I fought fair
no low blows or elbows to the face.

I fought with honor for the game
and respect for my opponent.

Despite what the scoreboard reads
despite what history will say,

I still feel like a winner.

~Edward Austin Robertson

Some cuts I discovered listening to KJHK

5 Mar

Hot Burrito # 1

5 Mar

Sometimes there is no need to say anything at all. I’ll just let Gram tell it.

JELLYFISH

1 Mar

Her absence left me feeling pretty afflicted
remnants of her about my room–
the hair pins in random spots
on the carpet
behind me mattress.
I can wash my sheets a thousand times
but won’t be able to get her fragrance
out of my nostrils.

An attraction so magnetically primitive
that I became addicted to the way she felt on my skin,
left me with trembling hands like a junkie
stung by something so beautiful,
but so painful to touch,
much like that unfinished jellyfish painting,
another reminder of interrupted potential
alongside the bottle of unopened massage lotion.
Suddenly missing the days when she found me so intriguing
and I actually respected liked her as a person.

I knew she was Fool’s Gold the minute I laid eyes on her.
It seems so avoidable, but somehow
I sleepwalked into the biggest mistake of my life.
Left with possibly the most important lesson of my life
wondering if I even made a dent
somewhere in her psyche
because she certainly left a mark on mine.

~Edward Austin Robertson~