Archive | February, 2010

So I met this gal (For Adrian)

20 Feb

And of course we hit
it off.
She was a red headed
secretary at the office
I worked.
We started dating
even though we couldn’t see ourselves
getting married to each other.
Nine months later
we broke up.
All I got out
of it was
a bunch of lousy poems
and a little bit of sexual experience.

So I met this gal
at a bar near campus.
She bought me drinks
all night and followed
me home.
We fucked for a
while
and though she left her earrings
I never saw her again.
All I got out of
the deal were a
couple of lousy
poems
and some naked
photographs.

So I met this gal
through a friend
of a friend.
Tall
gorgeous and
superficial.
I didn’t fuck her
because I thought
there’d be other
chances.
There weren’t
and all I got
out of it
were a couple of lousy
poems
and memories
for the spank
bank.

So I met
this gal
while
on tour doing
comedy.
She was married
but very very
kinky.
We had a two week
fling
that ended badly.
All I got
out of it
were a few lousy
poems
and a yeast
infection.

So I met this gal
while visiting
Canada
and we decided
to stay in touch
and fall in love.
She broke things
off two weeks
before my next visit
and all I got out of the deal
was an open ticket
going anywhere
in the world
but Toronto
and a few more lousy poems.

Finally I decided
I didn’t want to meet
any more gals.
I’d had enough lousy
experiences
and
poems
to fill 3 books.
So it seemed logical
to just leave
the girls alone
and work
on the lousy poems.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

Inside Man

12 Feb

No I am not insinuating that B- Real is gay (not that there's anythig wrong with that).

If men out there want to be the type of people who take a sexual experience with a woman for granted, perhaps they should think about this:

A woman is letting you put your dick inside her body!!!!! If you’re a guy and you wanna know why it’s such a big deal to let you “up in the them guts”…if you wanna know why women are so particular about who they sleep with, keep that in mind.

I am a very loving man and love all my guy friends immensely, but none of them I love enough to let them slip their dick inside me. So imagine how much a girl must REALLY have to trust you to do something like that.

Shit I’ve had an enema before… Wasn’t much fun….and that tube was only about as wide as my pinky……and it hurt tremendously….so I can’t even imagine……which is another reason I couldn’t be gay…..but
it does make me wonder (non-sequiter alert!!!!!)
when will the first openly gay rapper emerge????

You figure they’d see a great deal of resistance from the industry concerning such issues…..there’d be no Cypress Hill if B-Real were an openly gay emcee it just wouldn’t be sound right would it????

“I gotta dick in my mouth a fucking dick in my mouth,”

[Sen Dog -“In MY MOOOOUTH!!!]

a dick in my mouth, a dick in my mouth”

“I gotta dick in my mouth in my muthafucking mouth”

I think you get the picture…..though you never know..black president, Omar from “The Wire”…..maybe America IS ready for Monster Pooh from the Gayside Gangsters

Food Stamps

7 Feb

Food Stamps

There was a woman who
worked at the DHS office.

She struck me as a prettier
version
of a gal I’d
had a fling with
in Toronto.

Just talking to her
put me
in an uncomfortably
shy disposition.

She shared the receptionist
duties
with five other
employees

and I was afraid
that my
obvious attraction
would be apparent
to everyone else.

She was the kind
of woman
that you’d have to
stop on the streets
and tell her
how pretty she
was even
though she’s
probably heard
it a million
times since
the day she
was born.

And really
that was all I
wanted,
was to just tell
her that and get
it out of my
system.

I didn’t
want anything to
come of it.

In fact there
was a chance
I’d be moving
north to
Portland in
less than a month.

Besides there was
a reason I was in that
office,
to get food stamps.

What could
I really say to her
besides that?

“Baby girl
let’s say you and me
take my EBT card
and go back to
my place

I’ll make us some
lobster and salad
and we can fall asleep
on the couch
watching French films
on Netflix.”

Nothing says
sexy like
abusing
the very system
that employs her.

Now THAT’s
being a rebel.

As it was,
something would have
to give.

I was running out
of reasons
to come bother
her
with questions.

Soon I’d have a
job–
I needed one badly–

and unfortunately

that took
precedence
over
everything else.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

more rejected T-shirt ideas

6 Feb

I thought up my new brand of T-shirts…..space agey and shit…..

You-niverse.. on the astrology tip……..

no one wanted to invest……consensus is that they’re too corny:

Capricorns Can’t be cornered (photo of brain with a padlock next to it)

Aquarius are always a-going

Cancers tend to be clingy (photo of a crab hanging on to someone’s ear by one claw)

Libras make better lovers (or listeners if it’s a kid’s shirt)
of course my personal fave is the Texas state outline which says Austin: hang out with your twang out…

I’m only kidding about some of these….I’ll probably make the Texas one if only for myself to wear……..

unless of course I start making T-shirts about my favorite cities.

They’d say “Portland hearts Bobby Mickey”

I could make one about Austin, Toronto, Wichita, Eugene, and OKC probably…..but then on the back I could have a photo of my favorite women and me pasted on the front…..with the font on the back…hmmmmm talk about self serving and gratifying…no one would buy those…and it’d be even douchier to wear those Tee’s.

It’d be the equivalent of seeing a professional basketball player out on the streets wearing his own jersey and some jeans.

You’d almost have to respect that kind of level of conceit.
Because you know you’ve encountered someone who TRULY doesn’t give a damn about what people think of them.

I guess I’d have to conversely make Tee’s that said Dallas hates Bobby Mickey, Houston really hates Bobby Mickey, Los Angeles couldn’t give a fuck about Bobby Mickey…..now that my friends would be HONEST.

Oregon Trails

5 Feb

Not missing the limelight…barely miss the sunlight…..though I’m sleeping more than I should be…..tough getting up when its raining and cold
and so warm underneath my blanket.

Different scene up here. Its tough…you know its bad when white people are on food stamps….(though its nothing but white people up here, I’m one of 13 black people in Oregon, the other 12 play for the Portland Trailblazers)

the crazy thing is that I think I should’ve been on food stamps as early as 2006….I never knew it was that easy to get on them.

Maybe I should’ve applied for economic hardship on my student loan as well. It amazes me how little I understand about finances. Perhaps I should marry an accountant like my buddy T did.

But I see why God made the weed so good up here. It helps combat the doldrums one can easily get from living in the northwest. Cold, rainy, but beautiful (gorgeous when its sunny), and the weed helps point that out (living in Seattle must be like living on Venus–all that rain).

Something unusual about Oregon is that you can’t pump your own gas. They pay gas attendants to do that. Supposedly its to help stimulate jobs here……however if you go to the grocery store you’ll see U-scan machines to scan your own groceries….. how does this make sense…..those machines take away people’s jobs, just like in Vonnegut’s Player Piano. The worst part about it is you have one employee doing the work of four people because that employee is essentially running four registers at once, since they are the ones who have to provide assistance when the inevitable foul-up occurs.

Other than that everything is good here. Just sent in the artwork for the next book, “Toss offs and Throwaways” and working on my fourth book, which will be a juggernaut with at least 60-85 poems in it. All I need is a job. Keep your fingers crossed.