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Donnie’s Little Girl

27 May

 

 

This current administration has officially become so dysfunctional that its entertaining. If so many people weren’t so adversely affected by this dysfunction, I would say this is stuff of hilarity. Feels like the perfect time for us to get our first presidential reality show up at the White House.

Can you imagine the confession room on daily basis with the likes Sean Spicer, Kelly Conway, Mike Pence, and the Trump family running around the White House? You telling me you wouldn’t watch that shit? It’d be like Real World, House of Cards, West Wing, and The Apprentice all rolled up in one.

There are going to be some national best selling books on the Trump family if we somehow survive the fallout from the next 8 years.  The Melania Trump autobiography will be flying off the shelves because you know that’s going to have some dirt in it–unless Donald made her sign a non disclosure agreement when they got married. Could you imagine how embarrassing that golden shower story was?

Even if its just conjecture, that is an absurd rumor to have floating around about your family. Imagine how that made Melania feel? Even if he didn’t fuck those women and he just sat in a rocking chair jacking off while they peed on each other, that would be enough kill any marriage. You couldn’t just call it #fakenews and keep it pushing. That’s a series of conversations that have to happen.

I’m actually disgusted with myself for how attracted I am to Ivanka. She embodies everything that is wrong with the American white chick, but she is fine as hell. She is “you need seven figures in your bank account to even get a date” hot. Ivanka Trump is “I wanna fuck but I’ll settle for a hand job” kind of hot.

I bet there is a Schindler’s list of college boys who had to go to the campus ER for cases of the blue balls. She looks like the type of woman who will stop jacking you off if you don’t come in the first 5 minutes. That’s prolly the most work her dainty hands have ever seen.

Poor Jared Kushner has to fight the Canadian Prime Minister and the POTUS for his wife’s attention. I bet his heart just dropped when he saw the eyes she was giving Justin Trudeau. She looks the type to weaponize her vijajay. Withhold some loving to get what she wants. She prolly made ole Kush wait so long to get the panties that he went stir crazy when she finally let him in there. It was prolly game over after that–putty in her hands. That pussy been monetized since birth. That’s why kushner is brokering all these shady business deals to cover the millions of dollars he is accruing booty taxes a year.

 

BM

profile pic b mick  Bobby Mickey is the alter ego of writer and poet Edward Austin Robertson. When he isn’t involved in some basketball related activity, actively looking for parties to deejay or venues to perform comedy, he can be found recording podcasts with Craig Stein at Fullsass Studios. Follow him on twitter @clickpicka79. For booking inquiries, send contact info to thisagoodassgame@gmail.com. 

 

 

 

 

 

That Moment When You Realize You’re Washed

21 May

 

I’m just now coming to terms with being washed. You know how I know I’m washed? I’m in bed by ten on Friday nights. I prefer cheese pizza over any other toppings, and all  my favorite music is from the 90’s era. I feel like a 60 year old in a 40 year old man’s body.

#WASHED

Could you imagine a dating App for introverts? It’d be the worst idea ever. People would just creep on each other’s profile pics and make up reasons not to message first. No one would get laid.

 

 

I’ve been working on my own dating APP. Its called @myworst.com with an @ symbol. I wanna cut thru the smoke and mirrors of the dating game. Get to the heart of it—like that Don Henley song.It’d be just like every other dating site. You create a profile, gas yourself up or whatever, but then you gotta put at least 3 of your worst photos onto the site, so that people can see the truth. The rougher the photo the better. We’re talking hangover face, diarrhea face, I’ve got cramps and I’m bloated face. Because the person you went to bed with and the person you wake up next to can be two completely people. #nosurprises

 

Think about how assuring it must feel to sit across from someone at the dinner table and know that they were still felt attracted to you after seeing your worst photographs. That person went on your profile and thought “eh if this is as bad as it gets, then I’ll give it a shot” Anyone looking to invest? I’m a have this off the ground by the next SXSW interactive. Tryna change the game.

 

 

I’ve been working in education for the last 5 years. It’s a mixed bag. On one hand I like working with kids and at times it is ridiculously fun. On the other hand I’m implicitly contributing to the school to prison pipeline. Teaching public school in Oklahoma really burnt me out on it. I spent more time fighting white supremacy brainwashing than I did teaching history. I eventually stopped going to department meetings because I got tired of explaining why a team mascot like the Redmen is considered racist,  or why you can’t show a class full of black kids the “Butler” & “The Help” and pass it off as history.

 

The admin was always quick to suspend kids and I’d have to advocate on their behalf so they wouldn’t get behind the blackball academically. I remember having one “come to Jesus” meeting with a kid and his mom, and the discipline dean and guidance counselor. It was absurd. This kid was fucking around and had like a 12 in my class because he never came to class. Anyway, we finally got to a good place in the meeting,when the guidance counselor asked what his goals were for the rest of his life. This mutherfucker says “ I wanna go to the NBA.”  

 

Crickets.

 

It got mad quiet in the room, before thankfully, another teacher asked the mother, “Mrs. so and so, what about you? Do you have any goals for Denzell that you’d like him to accomplish?”

 

There was a collective sigh of relief. Then mom said, “I want him to go to the NBA too!”

 

The dean and the guidance counselor looked at him and said “well you never know where you’ll be if you work hard” and “make sure remember to leave us some tickets when you make it big.”

 

I said “THATS IT! I’m outta here. This is bullshit!”

 

Finally I calmed down enough to talk the kid and his mom after the meeting.

 

“Look I heard what you said in there about Denzell’s future and I think it’s important that we don’t put all our eggs in one basket for him. Listen.  There’s no nice way to put this… but your son sucks at basketball. we need to find a plan B for him. I’m serious. I’ve seen him on the court and he’s terrible. He doesn’t box out, he can’t dribble to his left, his shot is trash, and he doesn’t know how to move without the ball. Before you report me to my supervisor, just hear me out for a second. Now I’ve seen your son’s grades and I must admit, he is pretty decent at math……..Have you guys ever considered him selling drugs?

 

Now hear me out…I can make some calls to some people guy who can get you started on the entry level. You’re young, so if you start now, by the time you’re 21 you can afford to start your own crew. This doesn’t have to be your career, but just a good way to get your foot in the business world. Think about all the things you can do with that money Denzell. You can open up that tea shop your mother always talked about owning. You can invest in the stock market and diversify your assets. Hell you can even start a rap label and perhaps even sign the next Fetty Wap. Let’s be honest, if you don’t graduate high school, you’re probably going to jail anyway, may as well go in having some work experience.

 

I like giving back to the community. That’s part of why I teach so I can be an example for these kids to look up to. I wanna be to nerdy black teenagers what Dan Savage is for Queer kids. “I promise it gets better junior. Don’t let my occupation fool you. I could’ve been anything in life besides a teacher. I just got lazy”

 

 

Growing up is tough. Growing up in today’s world is even tougher. So many more pitfalls for kids these days. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like growing up with things like Snapchat, Facebook Live, and internet porn. So I get it. I like to think of myself as less of a teacher and more of a guide through the turbulent seas of adolescence.

 

I had it rough as a teenager myself. I went to school in Dallas for a little bit and I got fucked with relentlessly because I was a nerd and I reeked of the suburbs.I would finish my work as fast as I could then go and hide in the library because I knew my bullies didn’t know where it was.

 

I kept toothpaste and a toothbrush in my locker and sometimes after lunch I’d look up from the sink and see a bunch of kids watching me and laughing.

“ See man I told you Carlton brushes his teeth erryday after lunch.”

 

 

 

But I remember what it’s like at that age. Its sucks. I always felt like I had no control over my life. 8 hours of school where adults treated us like prisoners. My parents were uber strict and my only outlets as a kid were music and sports. So I get it. Not to say that I totally get the youth of today or that we always get along. The other day during pickup some 15 year old tried to fight me. I dunno if it was all the trash i was talking or pushing him a little too hard on a foul, but he was mad agitated. One time down the court, he yelled to his teammate, “I’m a beat this old man’s ass if he keep fucking with me.”

 

I looked at him when we got down to the other end of the court. “Can I help you?” He said blankly.

 

“Why are you so upset young man. We spose to be having fun. Life is too short to be mad all the time.

 

“ Shut the fuck up talking to me wit yo washed ass. Why you out here anyway man, you old?  What? You think this an afterschool special or something? You better get on fo’ you get spit on. Old muthafucka. Kick ROCKS NIGGA!”

 

 

Trying times though for my people, now more than ever we have to utilize my black people instincts–or as you white people call it, “Paranoia”. My negro spidey senses, are what have kept me out of fucked up situations.It’s the ability to quickly calculate the odds of every decision resulting in a run-in with white supremacist.

 

If you invite me to your state, your city or your home and I decline, it’s probably because my third eye told me not to. The same reason I don’t jog in white neighborhoods is the same reason I don’t go camping. You’ll never catch me out at Glacier, or the Redwoods or any other National Parks. Nope I’m just as likely to run into a white supremacist as I am a grizzly bear. At least with a grizzly bear I’ll get justice because someone will have to shoot it. They’ll just take the white supremacist to Burger king.

BM

 

profile pic b mick  Bobby Mickey is the alter ego of writer and poet Edward Austin Robertson. When he isn’t involved in some basketball related activity, actively looking for parties to deejay or venues to perform comedy, he can be found recording podcasts with Craig Stein at Fullsass Studios. Follow him on twitter @clickpicka79. For booking inquiries, send contact info to thisagoodassgame@gmail.com. 

Geeking Out On Fidel Castro

12 Dec

Professor James Small brings up an alternative view point to the death and legacy of Fidel Castro. tumblr_nmrirmloaz1t2yuz0o1_12801

Capin’ for Kaepernick

29 Aug

 

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Full disclosure: Sometimes I arrive to sporting events late on purpose just so I can avoid the National Anthem. I stand during it because it is easier than having  to address each person about my reason for not standing for not doing so. Nevertheless, my face intuitively becomes a scowl as I stand still with my hands behind my back. Normally I just think of every black person ever treated unjustly in the name of the American flag.

I don’t celebrate the 4th of July. If I can help it, I leave the country as to not be inundated with all the patriotism that can’t  be faked on my end. In fact, I find it odd that any black person celebrates this day as a holiday, because blacks were not free citizens on the 4th of July, 1776. I also secretly root against the United States during the World Cup, cheering instead for the African countries–especially the Ghana, Cameroon, and Ivory Coast teams.

During the 2 years that I taught social studies in Oklahoma, I was pretty conflicted upon having to needle my students out of their desks in order to “Pledge to the Flag.” I could understand a student not wanting to stand, but I also expressed to them that it was a “matter of respect.” And besides that, it kept the higher ups off my ass, in case I was being observed for the day. The last thing I needed was a controversy like that on my teacher evaluation. It was hard enough being the only black in my social studies department. In my mind I was picking my battles.

I remember the first debate I had with white people about the National Anthem issue. It was 1996. I was a junior on my high school varsity baseball team. Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf had just taken a lot of flak for doing the very same thing Colin Kaepernick is getting shit for. The only difference is Abdul-Rauf had not been observing the anthem for quite some time. Someone from the media finally noticed it and it became this huge shit storm–even for back then.

Even then my white teammates were railing against this kind of action, and me being 1 of 3 blacks on the team, was the only one to be a contrarian. I spent the whole bus ride to Waco, Texas, arguing with these guys about why anyone of color would feel “oppressed” or marginalized. The irony is that these same teammates were known to make “jokes” about me giving up a front bus seat to the white players, or calling my attention to any passing cotton field we may have driven by.

We got off the bus and got our asses waxed, and a few of the seniors blamed me for causing a distraction from the approaching game. I may or may not have taken delight in getting that L. I can say that it was the first time that I’d had the thought that maybe baseball wasn’t as important to me as I’d originally thought.

Any time a dissenter expresses their displeasure at the rampant injustices that occur in this country, the same miseducated scholars give the same canned responses. The obvious one is that “men and women gave up their lives so that you can have the freedom to show your displeasure.” To which I want to say , “Word? Then why are you so bent out of shape about it then?” It almost seems a slap in their faces to not invoke this freedom that they so dearly fought for. The other canned response tends to be along the lines of “America. Like it or leave it.” I find this to be an irrational reaction at best, at worst, an insane one.

Do you know how crazy this sounds? The majority of blacks in this country did not ask to be here. Racist whites who say “If you don’t like it here, then leave.” are akin to kidnappers who after 20 years, go down into their basement and say to their victims, “Well I know I took you away from your home and loved ones, but I just realized that I’ve done something horrible. Your presence in my basement is nothing but a reminder of the bad deeds I have done, and because of that, I need you to leave my house. No. I’m not going to give you a ride back to your house. Your family probably has already given up on you being alive. Yeah I have the obituary clipping in my scrapbook. Wanna see it? I doubt they even live in the same neighborhood I snatched you from. Sorry. It is time for you to pull yourself by the bootstraps like I did, and make something of yourself. Good luck out there. The world is a terribly unfair place.”

First of all, do you know how difficult it is to emigrate to another country? Half the problems in the world are due to tensions stemming from peoples of other nations seeking asylum in safer parts of the world. Even if they manage to get through all the paperwork, if they have children, it is almost impossible to make it happen without a lot of money.

Secondly, blacks and other “minorities” helped build this nation and took the proverbial hometown discount. Why should WE leave? How about all you bigots pull a Joseph Smith and go live in a deserted part of the world where you are free to be homophobic, racists and sexists? Have at it. You can start your own Bigotopia. Need money to do this? Start a Kickstarter in the same fervent manner that you do for cops who kill citizens and lose their jobs.

I absolutely love controversies like these because it becomes a nice filter to smoke out all the closeted bigots. They lose their shit when they find out that people don’t think the United States is the greatest country in the world. They trip over themselves to express their anger at these dissatisfied ingrates. I find it hilarious. My white friend base on Facebook has been cut in half, and its a glorious feeling. At least once a week, I find myself saying out loud , “Tell me what you really think Devin from Duncanville, TX. I always knew you were racist!”

The worst part of all this is that I now have to stick up for Colin “fricking” Kaepernick. This guy went from being one of my favorite football players to watch, to stinking up the joint, to becoming one of my modern day heroes. I don’t care if he plays another down in the NFL (and he may not), what this man has done is beyond brave. This young “spoiled” millionaire has put his earning power on the line to express his displeasure at what flies in the face of common decency. This is no time to be on the fence about this. It is impossible for me to understand how someone can look themselves in the mirror and not stand up against the unjust and immoral killings of American “citizens”.

The only rationalization for this is that blacks really were not meant to be part of the system, and that the abolition of slavery threw a kink into the way this country was supposed to run. Maybe blacks should just embrace the fact that the rules were not meant for us to thrive and prosper. Maybe blacks should consider the legal speak of the 13th amendment, which abolished slavery and indebted servitude “except as punishment for crime.” Perhaps it is time for blacks to consider why blacks are only 12 % of the U.S. population, but account for over 60 % of the prison population.

Enough of the double speak. Either this country is trying to live up to its original ideals, or those ideals aren’t really for everyone. Either way, let’s be honest and transparent about what you white Americans want. I can deal with xenophobia, racism, and prejudice. It is the hypocrisy that grinds my  gears. If you don’t want us around just say so, and we can figure it out from there. But white America can’t keep asking why black Americans why they feel oppressed if  they are not going to at least try to create a better America. It is dishonest and an insult to black people’s intelligence.

BM

Love is Free, But Sex Will Cost You $$$

11 Aug

 

Being single in Oklahoma felt akin to shopping in the frozen food section at Walmart. The choices in that state are somewhat limited. Most of the normal women there have pursued a path so different in life that dating was unrealistic, while the rest of the lot were either too entitled, or too damaged to get involved with.

I realized this early on upon my return from summer vacation last August, and gave up with dating altogether. To which its no surprise to wake up a year later and realize its been about 14 months since my last full on sexual encounter. The first 3 months were purely by accident, but then I decided to just lean into it.

When someone finds out I’ve been “celibate”, they look me like I’m A.C. Green. Then they ask how can I go that long without sex. My only answer is a practical one. I lived in a place that was a bad dating pool. When you come across a polluted stream, you don’t drink from it, you don’t fish from it, and you certainly don’t bathe in it. I chose to spend what little time I had in Tulsa with the people who I knew cared about me.

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Its been so long now that I’m almost afraid to break my streak. Suddenly my next sexual experience is weighted differently than my last. Choosing a woman to achieve coitus with brings the scrutiny and anxiety of losing one’s virginity. Having sex with a woman now is almost the last thing I want to do with someone I am romantically interested

Number one would be talking and watching or even playing basketball. Then (in no particular order) maybe chess, watching a movie, getting high and listening to music, and cooking and eating dinner together, and THEN working up to making out on the couch and grinding until the zippers on our jeans caught fire .

As much as I miss sex, I miss good massages even more. Something that made my first serious relationship different from so many others was that we’d do weird shit like meditate in my dimly lit studio, then give each other full body massages. Now that kind of stuff is way more rare (and intimate) than a random hook-up.

I actually enjoy and appreciate a legitimate conversation with the opposite sex even more than I did when I was younger. It is something that I took for granted back in college. That and cuddling. For an average looking good dude who has managed to squander most of every penny I ever earned, my swagger bewilders women. What do I regular ass dude have to offer that they can’t get from the next Joe Blow?

My confidence comes from the fact that I’m an excellent cuddler, and I give great conversation. Dirty talk now sounds like “yeah gurl, you like this good conversation I’m giving you? Told you it was gonna to be good to you. Came here to give you some of that GREAT conversation. You aint neva had conversation like this have you? You LOVE this conversation don’t you?

 

BM

Hot For Teacher

25 Jul

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Every now and then, something happens in the world that makes sane people wonder “What the fuck?”

No moment screams this louder than a hot female teacher hooking up with one of her high school students. Every time I see some news report about a female teacher hooking up with a student I shake my head in confusion. Is the deficiency of male teachers that bad in public school system?

It doesn’t make any sense. As someone who keeps an “open door” policy  (meaning whenever a student–especially if they are female–enters my classroom while I’m alone I make sure the cameras can see us), it is hard to fathom the mindset of these women who choose young boys (or girls) over a warm blooded adult male teacher. I’m overly paranoid about being along with a student. I don’t offer rides to students unless there are witnesses to ride along with us, and I certainly don’t see how they can enjoy a decision that could jeopardize their career.

I love it when men my age say,  “WHERE WERE THESE TEACHERS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL?” Get the fuck out of here. I get it. I get it. If it would have happened to you, then you wouldn’t have told anyone. Maybe that is true for some of you. But for most kids my age back then, I don’t see how that would end well.

If I would have had my way and been able to bed my 7th grade science teacher, I would have been all kinds of fucked up. I would have gotten us busted in so many ways: doodling her name on my spiral notebook, riding my bike by her house, hoping that her husband was out of town for the weekend, writing really bad AB/AB rhyme scheme poetry to her, and accidentally leaving it on my desk.

My family life would have been in ruins, my parents would have been even more strict than they already were.

“But I AM spending the night at Michael’s house. You can call and ask his mama. What’s their number? Ummmmmm hold on a sec, lemme grab the cordless from my room.” Whispers on phone, “Hey! You have to pretend like you are Michael Ivey’s mother……no it doesn’t matter if you don’t sound like her! My Mom has never even met her. She won’t know the difference.”

I can imagine the chaos in my house when I finally got caught. My pops would have been highly inappropriate, “Aw c’mon boy. Let ya daddy get a whiff of some 7th grade biology. You ain’t washed ya hands have you?” *Sniffs* “Mmmmmmmm I knew this was gon’be a good school district for you boy.”

My mother and I would have just had screaming matches.  “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE MOTHER? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES ME? THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS ISN’T IT? WHAT? I DO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE TOO OLD FOR ME? YOU HEARD THAT ALIYAH SONG. AGE AIN’T NUTHIN BUT A NUMBER MAMA!!!”

But for real. My science teacher was smoking hot. Shout out to Mrs. Sitton wherever she is. I’m a grown man now. I can finally get on her level. If I saw her today it’d be on. “Sup Shirlene? Yeah I’ve been thinking about this moment for 24 years. Remember how you used to think it was cute that I took notes from the board without even looking at my paper? Well I’ve picked up a trick or two since then. I’m ready to go, just you say the word. Oh yeah? You’re down? Well let’s get out of here. But before we go, I just need you to do one thing for me. Will you please call my house and pretend that you’re Michael Ivey’s mother. Yeah tell my dad I’m spending the night with ya’ll so I can go to church with your family in the morning.”

 

An American Werewolf Screening in Tulsa

16 Mar

When I texted my mother that I’d be taking in a screening of the 1981 classic, “An American Werewolf in London”, she texted me to “stick to the roads, be aware of the moon, and stay off the Moors.” No I’m just kidding. She told me that it was the first movie she and my dad had ever taken me to.

This text revealed to me what all the sessions of therapy had not, and I finally understood why shadows and werwolves scared me so much growing up. I still to this day can’t be in the same room if the Thriller video is on television (the Vincent Price part especially creeps me out).

I hadn’t seen “Werewolf” since I was a kid, and hadn’t even thought about it, until I saw an advertisement for it on Facebook somewhere (Actually thats a lie. This chick and I rented it from Blockbuster one night after our shift at Red lobster. But she thought it was cheesy, so we mugged down instead of watching it.). I figured if there was a movie that was made to be seen on the big screen, then this was it.

If you ever have the chance to see it at the theaters, you should do it. It is hilarious, it is spooky, and it is in a way sad.

For those of you who’ve never seen it, it is about two American college students from New York, Jack and David, who are  backpacking across Europe. They start in England with the intention of finishing up in Italy.

Jack starts the movie off stating his reservations about being in a cold, and spooky part of England, when they could be in warmer weather with better chances of meeting women. Jack,a smart aleck, with a typical New York sense of humor is both easy to like and loathe. His inability to pick up on social cues indirectly causes the two of them to be forced out into the moors, on a wet and chilly night.

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It is only after they hear the howling of a wild animal, that they realize that they didn’t heed the advice of the local townspeople, and see they did not keep to the road, and that there is a full moon.

The results are disastrous and David wakes up to find that he was in a coma for 3 weeks, his best friend Jack was “killed by a madman” (as David may or may not have been running away from–leaving Jack behind), and that he is in London, having bad dreams about Nazi monsters killing his Jewish family (scenes which are both terrifying and darkly humorous)

There is a heartbreaking scene of the main character, David going into a phone booth, and calling his little sister in New York to tell her that he loves her before he tries to unsuccessfully off himself. It sets up an epicly weird scene that turns into an unforgettable 25 minutes of cinema.

For such a hokie movie, it really forces the audience to feel an assortment of emotions. The gags are really dark, but extremely funny. The dialogue is loaded with Jewish humor that can be easy to miss if you know nothing about the culture. There is even a classic Knock Knock joke sprinkled in the script for good measure.

I don’t think a movie like this would see the light of day in this era. The 80’s were a riskier time for movie making. People were not afraid of making bad movies where the mistakes could be just as fun as the highlights. Gore and humor aren’t exactly synonomous in this day and age. There is a self awareness about this film that isn’t around in a lot of “scary” movies.

The final scene in the movie is the biggest payoff, and when the credits roll, you don’t really know what to feel like. It was so good, I went back the next night; knowing I wouldn’t have a chance to sit in a theater and see it on the big screen again. Believe it or not, it was just as good the second time around.

Thanks Mom and Dad for hipping me to this film so early in life. The therapy, high electric bills, and sleepless nights finally paid off. This might be my new favorite movie. Now if I can somehow talk the Circle Cinema into screening the Warriors movie………..