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Guest set at KDVS

9 Jan

The House on Tennesee Street

30 Sep

Nuclear Polio Vaccination

Too close to one of my worst years to be one of my best years

but it was certainly one of the liveliest,

most pivotal of my adulthood.

It was my reaction to a period of deep dissatisfaction.

My brother went off to fight in the war and

my professional mistakes bled into my personal life.

No longer certain of my purpose,

I reversed direction

and spent a year shirking responsibility–and delinquent payments—

taking a massive pay cut to sort things out

in a long overdue gap year.

I leaned into being in that small town.

Remaking Dangerfield’s “Back to School” in my head

and taking advice from Bill Lee and Bill Murray.

Back to square one.

I rediscovered my joy through play and paint:

kicking and shooting and passing and jumping and sweating,

smiling and laughing and dosing; popping and locking, ponging and bonging,

puffing and sipping, napping ,fapping…

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Space Grapes

10 Feb

You hear about that African American woman who booted off the space station launch at the last minute? Was the going to be the first black woman to live on a space station, which mean that she was going to be the only black woman living on a space station. This sounds like the corniest Real World episode of all time.



“Oh Sorry, me and the fellas ran out of liquor and we used them to make some wine. It actually came out pretty good. Sip?”




If someone were to ask me what I miss most about being single. I’d tell them that I miss the apple juice jar that I used to pee in at night that I kept by the side of the bed. I lived like a heathen before I met my girl.


Depending on where you are in life, sitting on your couch in your underwear, eating ice cream and watching basketball can be described as either the apex of freedom or rock bottom. I had a moment of serious self awareness one Friday night, where I was like man…..there is a really strong chance that I may never have sex again. THIS IS NOT BEAUTIFUL HOUSE THIS IS NOT MY Beautiful WIFE




profile pic b mick  Bobby Mickey is the alter ego of writer and poet Edward Austin Robertson. When he isn’t involved in some basketball related activity, actively looking for parties to deejay or venues to perform comedy, he can be found recording podcasts with Craig Stein at Fullsass Studios. Follow him on twitter @goodassgame. For booking inquiries, send contact info to 



Donnie’s Little Girl

27 May



This current administration has officially become so dysfunctional that its entertaining. If so many people weren’t so adversely affected by this dysfunction, I would say this is stuff of hilarity. Feels like the perfect time for us to get our first presidential reality show up at the White House.

Can you imagine the confession room on daily basis with the likes Sean Spicer, Kelly Conway, Mike Pence, and the Trump family running around the White House? You telling me you wouldn’t watch that shit? It’d be like Real World, House of Cards, West Wing, and The Apprentice all rolled up in one.

There are going to be some national best selling books on the Trump family if we somehow survive the fallout from the next 8 years.  The Melania Trump autobiography will be flying off the shelves because you know that’s going to have some dirt in it–unless Donald made her sign a non disclosure agreement when they got married. Could you imagine how embarrassing that golden shower story was?

Even if its just conjecture, that is an absurd rumor to have floating around about your family. Imagine how that made Melania feel? Even if he didn’t fuck those women and he just sat in a rocking chair jacking off while they peed on each other, that would be enough kill any marriage. You couldn’t just call it #fakenews and keep it pushing. That’s a series of conversations that have to happen.

I’m actually disgusted with myself for how attracted I am to Ivanka. She embodies everything that is wrong with the American white chick, but she is fine as hell. She is “you need seven figures in your bank account to even get a date” hot. Ivanka Trump is “I wanna fuck but I’ll settle for a hand job” kind of hot.

I bet there is a Schindler’s list of college boys who had to go to the campus ER for cases of the blue balls. She looks like the type of woman who will stop jacking you off if you don’t come in the first 5 minutes. That’s prolly the most work her dainty hands have ever seen.

Poor Jared Kushner has to fight the Canadian Prime Minister and the POTUS for his wife’s attention. I bet his heart just dropped when he saw the eyes she was giving Justin Trudeau. She looks the type to weaponize her vijajay. Withhold some loving to get what she wants. She prolly made ole Kush wait so long to get the panties that he went stir crazy when she finally let him in there. It was prolly game over after that–putty in her hands. That pussy been monetized since birth. That’s why kushner is brokering all these shady business deals to cover the millions of dollars he is accruing booty taxes a year.



profile pic b mick  Bobby Mickey is the alter ego of writer and poet Edward Austin Robertson. When he isn’t involved in some basketball related activity, actively looking for parties to deejay or venues to perform comedy, he can be found recording podcasts with Craig Stein at Fullsass Studios. Follow him on twitter @clickpicka79. For booking inquiries, send contact info to 






That Moment When You Realize You’re Washed

21 May


I’m just now coming to terms with being washed. You know how I know I’m washed? I’m in bed by ten on Friday nights. I prefer cheese pizza over any other toppings, and all  my favorite music is from the 90’s era. I feel like a 60 year old in a 40 year old man’s body.


Could you imagine a dating App for introverts? It’d be the worst idea ever. People would just creep on each other’s profile pics and make up reasons not to message first. No one would get laid.



I’ve been working on my own dating APP. Its called with an @ symbol. I wanna cut thru the smoke and mirrors of the dating game. Get to the heart of it—like that Don Henley song.It’d be just like every other dating site. You create a profile, gas yourself up or whatever, but then you gotta put at least 3 of your worst photos onto the site, so that people can see the truth. The rougher the photo the better. We’re talking hangover face, diarrhea face, I’ve got cramps and I’m bloated face. Because the person you went to bed with and the person you wake up next to can be two completely people. #nosurprises


Think about how assuring it must feel to sit across from someone at the dinner table and know that they were still felt attracted to you after seeing your worst photographs. That person went on your profile and thought “eh if this is as bad as it gets, then I’ll give it a shot” Anyone looking to invest? I’m a have this off the ground by the next SXSW interactive. Tryna change the game.



I’ve been working in education for the last 5 years. It’s a mixed bag. On one hand I like working with kids and at times it is ridiculously fun. On the other hand I’m implicitly contributing to the school to prison pipeline. Teaching public school in Oklahoma really burnt me out on it. I spent more time fighting white supremacy brainwashing than I did teaching history. I eventually stopped going to department meetings because I got tired of explaining why a team mascot like the Redmen is considered racist,  or why you can’t show a class full of black kids the “Butler” & “The Help” and pass it off as history.


The admin was always quick to suspend kids and I’d have to advocate on their behalf so they wouldn’t get behind the blackball academically. I remember having one “come to Jesus” meeting with a kid and his mom, and the discipline dean and guidance counselor. It was absurd. This kid was fucking around and had like a 12 in my class because he never came to class. Anyway, we finally got to a good place in the meeting,when the guidance counselor asked what his goals were for the rest of his life. This mutherfucker says “ I wanna go to the NBA.”  




It got mad quiet in the room, before thankfully, another teacher asked the mother, “Mrs. so and so, what about you? Do you have any goals for Denzell that you’d like him to accomplish?”


There was a collective sigh of relief. Then mom said, “I want him to go to the NBA too!”


The dean and the guidance counselor looked at him and said “well you never know where you’ll be if you work hard” and “make sure remember to leave us some tickets when you make it big.”


I said “THATS IT! I’m outta here. This is bullshit!”


Finally I calmed down enough to talk the kid and his mom after the meeting.


“Look I heard what you said in there about Denzell’s future and I think it’s important that we don’t put all our eggs in one basket for him. Listen.  There’s no nice way to put this… but your son sucks at basketball. we need to find a plan B for him. I’m serious. I’ve seen him on the court and he’s terrible. He doesn’t box out, he can’t dribble to his left, his shot is trash, and he doesn’t know how to move without the ball. Before you report me to my supervisor, just hear me out for a second. Now I’ve seen your son’s grades and I must admit, he is pretty decent at math……..Have you guys ever considered him selling drugs?


Now hear me out…I can make some calls to some people guy who can get you started on the entry level. You’re young, so if you start now, by the time you’re 21 you can afford to start your own crew. This doesn’t have to be your career, but just a good way to get your foot in the business world. Think about all the things you can do with that money Denzell. You can open up that tea shop your mother always talked about owning. You can invest in the stock market and diversify your assets. Hell you can even start a rap label and perhaps even sign the next Fetty Wap. Let’s be honest, if you don’t graduate high school, you’re probably going to jail anyway, may as well go in having some work experience.


I like giving back to the community. That’s part of why I teach so I can be an example for these kids to look up to. I wanna be to nerdy black teenagers what Dan Savage is for Queer kids. “I promise it gets better junior. Don’t let my occupation fool you. I could’ve been anything in life besides a teacher. I just got lazy”



Growing up is tough. Growing up in today’s world is even tougher. So many more pitfalls for kids these days. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like growing up with things like Snapchat, Facebook Live, and internet porn. So I get it. I like to think of myself as less of a teacher and more of a guide through the turbulent seas of adolescence.


I had it rough as a teenager myself. I went to school in Dallas for a little bit and I got fucked with relentlessly because I was a nerd and I reeked of the suburbs.I would finish my work as fast as I could then go and hide in the library because I knew my bullies didn’t know where it was.


I kept toothpaste and a toothbrush in my locker and sometimes after lunch I’d look up from the sink and see a bunch of kids watching me and laughing.

“ See man I told you Carlton brushes his teeth erryday after lunch.”




But I remember what it’s like at that age. Its sucks. I always felt like I had no control over my life. 8 hours of school where adults treated us like prisoners. My parents were uber strict and my only outlets as a kid were music and sports. So I get it. Not to say that I totally get the youth of today or that we always get along. The other day during pickup some 15 year old tried to fight me. I dunno if it was all the trash i was talking or pushing him a little too hard on a foul, but he was mad agitated. One time down the court, he yelled to his teammate, “I’m a beat this old man’s ass if he keep fucking with me.”


I looked at him when we got down to the other end of the court. “Can I help you?” He said blankly.


“Why are you so upset young man. We spose to be having fun. Life is too short to be mad all the time.


“ Shut the fuck up talking to me wit yo washed ass. Why you out here anyway man, you old?  What? You think this an afterschool special or something? You better get on fo’ you get spit on. Old muthafucka. Kick ROCKS NIGGA!”



Trying times though for my people, now more than ever we have to utilize my black people instincts–or as you white people call it, “Paranoia”. My negro spidey senses, are what have kept me out of fucked up situations.It’s the ability to quickly calculate the odds of every decision resulting in a run-in with white supremacist.


If you invite me to your state, your city or your home and I decline, it’s probably because my third eye told me not to. The same reason I don’t jog in white neighborhoods is the same reason I don’t go camping. You’ll never catch me out at Glacier, or the Redwoods or any other National Parks. Nope I’m just as likely to run into a white supremacist as I am a grizzly bear. At least with a grizzly bear I’ll get justice because someone will have to shoot it. They’ll just take the white supremacist to Burger king.



profile pic b mick  Bobby Mickey is the alter ego of writer and poet Edward Austin Robertson. When he isn’t involved in some basketball related activity, actively looking for parties to deejay or venues to perform comedy, he can be found recording podcasts with Craig Stein at Fullsass Studios. Follow him on twitter @clickpicka79. For booking inquiries, send contact info to 

Geeking Out On Fidel Castro

12 Dec

Professor James Small brings up an alternative view point to the death and legacy of Fidel Castro. tumblr_nmrirmloaz1t2yuz0o1_12801

Capin’ for Kaepernick

29 Aug




Full disclosure: Sometimes I arrive to sporting events late on purpose just so I can avoid the National Anthem. I stand during it because it is easier than having  to address each person about my reason for not standing for not doing so. Nevertheless, my face intuitively becomes a scowl as I stand still with my hands behind my back. Normally I just think of every black person ever treated unjustly in the name of the American flag.

I don’t celebrate the 4th of July. If I can help it, I leave the country as to not be inundated with all the patriotism that can’t  be faked on my end. In fact, I find it odd that any black person celebrates this day as a holiday, because blacks were not free citizens on the 4th of July, 1776. I also secretly root against the United States during the World Cup, cheering instead for the African countries–especially the Ghana, Cameroon, and Ivory Coast teams.

During the 2 years that I taught social studies in Oklahoma, I was pretty conflicted upon having to needle my students out of their desks in order to “Pledge to the Flag.” I could understand a student not wanting to stand, but I also expressed to them that it was a “matter of respect.” And besides that, it kept the higher ups off my ass, in case I was being observed for the day. The last thing I needed was a controversy like that on my teacher evaluation. It was hard enough being the only black in my social studies department. In my mind I was picking my battles.

I remember the first debate I had with white people about the National Anthem issue. It was 1996. I was a junior on my high school varsity baseball team. Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf had just taken a lot of flak for doing the very same thing Colin Kaepernick is getting shit for. The only difference is Abdul-Rauf had not been observing the anthem for quite some time. Someone from the media finally noticed it and it became this huge shit storm–even for back then.

Even then my white teammates were railing against this kind of action, and me being 1 of 3 blacks on the team, was the only one to be a contrarian. I spent the whole bus ride to Waco, Texas, arguing with these guys about why anyone of color would feel “oppressed” or marginalized. The irony is that these same teammates were known to make “jokes” about me giving up a front bus seat to the white players, or calling my attention to any passing cotton field we may have driven by.

We got off the bus and got our asses waxed, and a few of the seniors blamed me for causing a distraction from the approaching game. I may or may not have taken delight in getting that L. I can say that it was the first time that I’d had the thought that maybe baseball wasn’t as important to me as I’d originally thought.

Any time a dissenter expresses their displeasure at the rampant injustices that occur in this country, the same miseducated scholars give the same canned responses. The obvious one is that “men and women gave up their lives so that you can have the freedom to show your displeasure.” To which I want to say , “Word? Then why are you so bent out of shape about it then?” It almost seems a slap in their faces to not invoke this freedom that they so dearly fought for. The other canned response tends to be along the lines of “America. Like it or leave it.” I find this to be an irrational reaction at best, at worst, an insane one.

Do you know how crazy this sounds? The majority of blacks in this country did not ask to be here. Racist whites who say “If you don’t like it here, then leave.” are akin to kidnappers who after 20 years, go down into their basement and say to their victims, “Well I know I took you away from your home and loved ones, but I just realized that I’ve done something horrible. Your presence in my basement is nothing but a reminder of the bad deeds I have done, and because of that, I need you to leave my house. No. I’m not going to give you a ride back to your house. Your family probably has already given up on you being alive. Yeah I have the obituary clipping in my scrapbook. Wanna see it? I doubt they even live in the same neighborhood I snatched you from. Sorry. It is time for you to pull yourself by the bootstraps like I did, and make something of yourself. Good luck out there. The world is a terribly unfair place.”

First of all, do you know how difficult it is to emigrate to another country? Half the problems in the world are due to tensions stemming from peoples of other nations seeking asylum in safer parts of the world. Even if they manage to get through all the paperwork, if they have children, it is almost impossible to make it happen without a lot of money.

Secondly, blacks and other “minorities” helped build this nation and took the proverbial hometown discount. Why should WE leave? How about all you bigots pull a Joseph Smith and go live in a deserted part of the world where you are free to be homophobic, racists and sexists? Have at it. You can start your own Bigotopia. Need money to do this? Start a Kickstarter in the same fervent manner that you do for cops who kill citizens and lose their jobs.

I absolutely love controversies like these because it becomes a nice filter to smoke out all the closeted bigots. They lose their shit when they find out that people don’t think the United States is the greatest country in the world. They trip over themselves to express their anger at these dissatisfied ingrates. I find it hilarious. My white friend base on Facebook has been cut in half, and its a glorious feeling. At least once a week, I find myself saying out loud , “Tell me what you really think Devin from Duncanville, TX. I always knew you were racist!”

The worst part of all this is that I now have to stick up for Colin “fricking” Kaepernick. This guy went from being one of my favorite football players to watch, to stinking up the joint, to becoming one of my modern day heroes. I don’t care if he plays another down in the NFL (and he may not), what this man has done is beyond brave. This young “spoiled” millionaire has put his earning power on the line to express his displeasure at what flies in the face of common decency. This is no time to be on the fence about this. It is impossible for me to understand how someone can look themselves in the mirror and not stand up against the unjust and immoral killings of American “citizens”.

The only rationalization for this is that blacks really were not meant to be part of the system, and that the abolition of slavery threw a kink into the way this country was supposed to run. Maybe blacks should just embrace the fact that the rules were not meant for us to thrive and prosper. Maybe blacks should consider the legal speak of the 13th amendment, which abolished slavery and indebted servitude “except as punishment for crime.” Perhaps it is time for blacks to consider why blacks are only 12 % of the U.S. population, but account for over 60 % of the prison population.

Enough of the double speak. Either this country is trying to live up to its original ideals, or those ideals aren’t really for everyone. Either way, let’s be honest and transparent about what you white Americans want. I can deal with xenophobia, racism, and prejudice. It is the hypocrisy that grinds my  gears. If you don’t want us around just say so, and we can figure it out from there. But white America can’t keep asking why black Americans why they feel oppressed if  they are not going to at least try to create a better America. It is dishonest and an insult to black people’s intelligence.