Broke Ass, Black Ass Mufucka

Sometimes I feel like I’m on a Japanese game show, where every cent I spend and earn is on a television monitor for the all of tv land to see.

“Spill half the macaroni because you didn’t invest in a pasta strainer” ~minus 15 points.

“Find a quarter in the urinal.” ~plus 5 points

“get your girlfriend knocked up because you were too cheap to buy rubbers” ~lose a turn and 500 dollars (250 if your girl goes half)

Every month when my old lady gets her period is like getting an extra life in Mario Bros.

This is the part of the game where I spin the wheel of fortune, but I have the chance of spinning the wheel and landing on a space with a pacifier and baby stroller instead of bankruptcy.

“No baby, No baby, no baby no baaaaaaaaabbbbbbbeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!”

Women get baby showers, I feel like men should get their own celebration when they don’t have a baby.

Once a month, call their buddies up, who come over with bottles of champagne and six packs. They cover the apartment with plastic so the electronics don’t get ruined, then start celebrating like they won the NBA Finals.

I’ve watched tons of Super Bowl and World Series celebrations and thought with envy, man I’ve love to be able to do that. Well I didn’t make it to the professional level as an athlete and there aren’t many occasions that would justifty such a homo-erotic celebratory event, so this may be the closest thing to it.

“I’d like to thank God for making my sex drive so strong and my sperm so weak. I’d like to thank Todd, my pot dealer for keeping me nice and sterile, keeping me outta shape. It was a team effort. And most of all, Thank you JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZUSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!”

“That’s all from the winners, let’s go over to Brent in the loser’s locker room.”