Archive | October, 2009


11 Oct

It took me until I was about six years old before I realized that getting off of work didn’t involve my mother climbing outside her office window and carefully scaling down the building, one floor at a time.

When I was eleven, my cousin was eating a cream filled ho-ho when he turned to me with cream on his lips and said, “Man it looks like I been eating pussy.”
And I couldn’t help but think…….eating pussy..why would you eat the pussy? Wouldn’t you want to save some for later???

But the worst gaffe was when I was hanging out with some kids after school in fourth grade. We were on the steps to my apartment looking at Playboy magazine. I think it was the first time I’d seen a nudie magazine. I was so blown away that I said, ” Wow If this is what Playboy is, I can’t wait to see what Playgirl looks like.”

If my life were a movie, the record would have skipped. The other kids looked at me in stupified awe.

“Dude you realize that Playgirl is for women? Its nothing but naked dudes in that magazine.”

It never occcured to me that women would want to look at a magazine full of naked men.

I was a weird kid.

Got my Swagg back.

9 Oct

The Playmaker. One of the forefathers of that winning tradition at the "U". Football is back. That extra edge I needed is back along with it.

Most importantly the “U” is back.

Coincidence?? I think not.

When Randy Shannon was hired as the head coach of the University of Miami football team, I told my buddy Roach that in a couple years the team would be back on top. I knew the next two years would be tough, transition years. It was tough watching those lossed to Florida and Cal last year. But I knew this year ahd to be different.

They are still not ready for the big time, too young and too undiscilpined, but next year is their year I believe.
I knew the year before their last championship that they’d be ready back in 2000 when they got hosed out of the championship game by the NCAA when they had beaten FSU head to head (and Washington had the same record and had beaten Miami that year).

You could just tell they had the horses. Clinton Portis, Jeremy Shockey, Santana Moss, Andre Johnson. Ed Reed, Jonathan Vilma. Maybe the greatest of all their championship teams.

Yes I’m from Texas. But my biggest fantasy (besides getting laid) as a kid was to go to University of Miami and be the team mascot, Sebastian the Ibis. Running out on the field with team from the tunnels amidst the smoke to all of the fans at the old Orange Bowl.

I also wanted to be a professional baseball player. Neither dream was realized. the best I could muster was a visit to Navarro Junior college in Corsicana, Texas and a pamphlet from the U of M a few days later. I saw the price of out of state tuition and my jaw dropped. My parents hadn’t planned on me going to college and I was barely able to graduate high school anyway, so I settled for a 500 dollar booster club scholarship and went to community college.

But still I watched with interest. Since I’ve been a fan of football I’ve been a Canes fan. ’92 was a rough year, the loss to Alabama, ’93 wasn’t easy to take with teh Fiesta Bowl loss to Arizona, ’94 was the Orange Bowl loss to Neberaska, ’95 they were a non-factor and also had their 58 game home winning streak snapped by U-W, and the losses kept piling on……but they hired Butch Davis eventually and he brought the program back into the spotlight.

So after Davis left and they won, the next year the wins were becoming harder to eke out, and though they were undefeated going into the Fiesta Bowl game of ’03, I had a weird feeling that something was wrong.

First, for whatever reason, whenever they go out to Arizona, things go bad, even going back as far as 1987 when they lost to Penn State. So I took the halftime “kick the field goal” competition between the school’s fans as an omen (even watching Edggie George hog the mic from Warren Sapp during the halftime show seemed prophetic).

So what happened? Miami claws back only to get screwed at the end by a bogus pass interference call.
But you can look back at a lot of reasons besides that call of why they lost.
1. they didn’d get the ball to Kellen Winslow enough
2. The Maurice Clarret strip of safety Sean Taylor (R.I.P.) on a key interception cost them some points.
3. The Roscoe Parrish fumble early in the 4th quarter was costly as well.

The fact that I am still holding onto this loss is a testament to my love for the “U”.
Also my favorite football of all time, Michael Irvin went to college there. I’ve seen all the key games on ESPN Classic. I’ve beaten everyone with the ALL time Miami teams on the NCAA Football video games (even got it down on lock with the classic teams from ’87, 89,’91, ’01, and ’02 teams).

So I’m just happy that they are competitive again. With Coker (who seemed like a nice guy) as the coach, they seemed to have lost that edge they always had.
People hated the “U” players because they were too breash, too much celebrating, and dirty.

But that was why I liked them. Those championship teams were vicious, nasty and the defense had some of the hardest, quickest linebackers and safeties you’d ever seen. Sean Talyor had the potential to be the greatest safety in NFL history before his life was tragically cut short (one of the saddest days of my life).

I liked the fact that no one liked the Canes, it made me like them more. I’ve always considered myself one of those polarizing kinda characters as well, either people absolutely love me or hate me. I can dig it.

But they lost that Ali-esque-swagger along the way, and you could see it slowly seep away and soon they were settling for the Emerald Bowl and going 9-4 instead of 12-1 or 11-2.

So when they hired Shannon I was excited, here was an alum. He had won a championship in ’87 as a linebacker. He knew what it took to win. He also had a piece of the legacy.

Somewhere along the way old players and supporters were not on the sidelines anymore to cheer their old school on. Their was no accountability to uphold the winning tradition, and it showed.

But now I think Michael Irvin has a reason to be proud. You see former players on the sideline again. You see former players as coaches (former great Michael Barrow is the linebackers coach).

And with the latest win (albeit sloppy) over Ou this past weekend. There is a sense that this crop of players is getting it. The old Canes teams knew that no matter how things were going, they were still going to win. They had that P.M.A. (Positive Mental Attitude) that carried them through games. They KNEW they had it. They had that swagg going.

Stud quarterback had “USWAGG” cut into his fade last week and a reporter asked him about it. He said that it was about getting that swagger back, that “U” magic. It was something that needed to be brought back to the program.

It was exactly what I wanted to hear. This year a BCS bowl. Next year, a BCS championship.

Can’t wait for December when Billy Corben’s documentary on the “U” comes out. The timing couldn’t be better.

I’m 30, after one of the most successful years professionally, and most disastrous romantically, I’ve recovered my own swagger. I’m ready to dust my shoulders off again, get my swagg on and do this thang. And every Saturday each Miami win, will make my week just a little bit better.

Gene Clark

9 Oct

Chief songwriter for the Byrds from '64-'66. Great version of this on Flying Burrito Brothers '71

Chief songwriter for the Byrds from '64-'66. Great version of this on Flying Burrito Brothers '71

Stopped awhile this morning on my way back home
I had to realize this time that I’d be all alone
‘Cause she is moving somewhere far away not slow
And though I tried so hard to please her
She said she really had to go

Even though this time it really hurts me bad
I’ve been through similarities, its not the first break I’ve had
And I just can’t let it bring me down so low
And though I tried so hard to please her
There must be something more to know

Never thought we would find our end this way
It seemed that everything was going fine
Still with all the things that I can do or say
It won’t change the fate I know so well is mine

So I’ll stop and look right past the pain
Because I’ve been in love before and I can love again
While she’s moving somewhere far away not slow
I know I tried so hard to please her
She said she really had to go

~Gene Clark~
“Tried so Hard”

Dedicated to all those castrating females

9 Oct

Bitch with a Dick

What the fuck you wannnnnt?
What the fuck you neeeed?
From the looks of things
it surely isn’t meeee.

You other man was weak
you said he was too soft
it really turned you off
so you told him to get lost

You get a man who’s strong
but it doesn’t take you long
to kick him to the curb
cuz he tells you when you wrong

you neeed a bitch with a dick
a bitch with a dick

you want a bitch with a dick

you want a bitch with a dick.

you want a bitch with a dick

hermaphroditic shit
emascualtin’ trick

you want a bitch with a dick.


to be released on my upcoming comedy album, “Where da White women at?”

Donald Glover

8 Oct

Dis Cat is blowing up. He’s a legitimate triple threat: Writer for 30 Rock, actor, and standup.
and he’s only 26. I think he’s got the potential to be huge.


*********Editor’s Note****** This was before I realized that Community sucked and before I’d heard any of his rap lyrics! But I’ll eat the Buster of the Week award for this post!!!! Shout Out to Carles from Hipster Runoff

Was es ist

7 Oct
I was only hipped to him earlier today, must check out if his other stuff is as good.

I was only hipped to him earlier today, must check out if his other stuff is as good.

Was es ist

Es ist Unsinn
sagt die Vernunft
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

Es ist Unglück
sagt die Berechnung
Es ist nichts als Schmerz
sagt die Angst
Es ist aussichtslos
sagt die Einsicht
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

Es ist lächerlich
sagt der Stolz
Es ist leichtsinnig
sagt die Vorsicht
Es ist unmöglich
sagt die Erfahrung
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

–Erich Fried

(English translation)

What it is

It is nonsense
says Reason
It is what it is
says love

It is unfortunate
says the calculation
It is nothing but pain
does the anxiety
It is hopeless
says the insight
It is what it is
says love

It is ridiculous
says the proud
It is irresponsible
says the caution
It is impossible
says the experience
It is what it is
says love

– Erich Fried

Oklahoma ain’t bad, it’s just……OK

2 Oct
Yep old buddy, if your liver can handle it, it just may be time to relocate.

Yep old buddy, if your liver can handle it, it just may be time to relocate.

“There was a woman but I left her far behind.
I could have loved her if I only had more time.”

This is from the Flying Burrito Brothers’ Colorado.

It hits me hard every time I hear this tune. Its a song about loving where you came from and having to leave, but then looking forward to going back, after you realize you only left to find out just how great home was in the first place.

And the open sound of the pedal steel cutting through the loneliness.

This trip was exactly what I needed. Lots of hiking, biking, fresh air, and a lot of loving.

It was so good to see all my old friends from the west coast, and have a little fun. I realized about halfway through my first week on the road, in San Francisco that I was taking things too seriously when I lived there.

California is much too absurd to be taken seriously, and once you stop taking Californians so seriously, then they become alright. I guess the thing that made this hit home was seeing this beautiful European woman breastfeeding what looked to be a two year old, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING STREET!!!!!

It brought up a couple of thoughts, like:

1)Would it be rude to stare? Becuase her breasts were quite nice from what I could see
2) Wasn’t this kid a bit old for breastfeeding?
3) Was this kid really 8 months old, but had grown enormously from the potency of her breast milk?

If this wasn’t enough, seeing a naked man dressing with his window while smoking a cigarrette outside this club in the mission, drove it home even further. “Welcome to California, where there is no such thing as absurd.”

Seriously. We could see the guy’s cock and everything. It was horrifying, especially when he pulled his boxer briefs up and his dick didn’t make it in and kinda bounced up like a diving board (not that I was staring or anything).

Which brings me to another reason why I had to leave the Bay area. Too many homosexuals.
I’m not homophobic by any means, however, as a heterosexual man in a city where half the population is gay, this doesn’t bode well for finding a lady friend.

Think of it like this:

If half the population of men and women is gay, that is 50/100.

So if you’re a heterosexual male this is not in your favor. You’ve already cut out half of the population by just being straight.

So let’s screw it down again by taking out half the population of that percentage of women who are gay which is half of the population of women.

So now you’re down to a meager 25% of a population that could involve some sexy time explosion. But now let’s factor in the percentage of women who have boyfriends, or who do like men but are currently involved with women……..we’ll just assume that half of this population are involved.

Well that leaves a guy with a mere 12.5 percent chance to hook up. I’m no statistician but from the looks of this chart, I’d say these are slim pickings.

Now to be fair, this is only San Francisco, the odds are totally different across the bridge, going into Oakland, or Berkeley….but for the sake of maybe pursuing a career in SF, this doesn’t work.

All that being said, I still managed to have a really good time while I lived in the bay, and my stint there was well worth it. I played lots of pick up basketball, and had some good times on stage and managed to meet a lot of good people, and despite the odds, I still got laid every now and again.

Oregon was a much mellower trip and more my speed. I did a couple of shows with old ED Forman in Portland and Eugene, and finally got to visit an organic farm on Sauvie Island, which totally changed how I looked at the PDX.
I have to say, if you really want to figure out a place, try biking around the city. It was hectic and crazy but its a very biker city friendly, and crossing the bridges can be dangerously spectacular. You could end up falling in the Williamette if you’re not careful.
I could see myself living there for sure, they got the up and coming Blazers, Portland is one of the most eco-friendliest cities I’ve been to outside of Toronto, and there is a pretty good music scene there.

I even managed to get Supplication and Masturbation on the shelves at Reading Frenzy over on SW Oak street. If they can somehow get no-flush urinals installed city wide in all the restrooms then I’ll certainly be on board.

back in Tulsa now among the Sooners fans, hoping for a good game on Saturday. Time to really think about the next step and creating an exit strategy. But one thing is clear, I saw my past and future out on the west coast, and its time to get back out there for a spell.

More on that later

To be continued……………