Hot For Teacher

Every now and then, something happens in the world that makes sane people wonder “What the fuck?”

No moment screams this louder than a hot female teacher hooking up with one of her high school students. Every time I see some news report about a female teacher hooking up with a student I shake my head in confusion. Is the deficiency of male teachers that bad in public school system?

It doesn’t make any sense. As someone who keeps an “open door” policy  (meaning whenever a student–especially if they are female–enters my classroom while I’m alone I make sure the cameras can see us), it is hard to fathom the mindset of these women who choose young boys (or girls) over a warm blooded adult male teacher. I’m overly paranoid about being along with a student. I don’t offer rides to students unless there are witnesses to ride along with us, and I certainly don’t see how they can enjoy a decision that could jeopardize their career.

I love it when men my age say,  “WHERE WERE THESE TEACHERS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL?” Get the fuck out of here. I get it. I get it. If it would have happened to you, then you wouldn’t have told anyone. Maybe that is true for some of you. But for most kids my age back then, I don’t see how that would end well.

If I would have had my way and been able to bed my 7th grade science teacher, I would have been all kinds of fucked up. I would have gotten us busted in so many ways: doodling her name on my spiral notebook, riding my bike by her house, hoping that her husband was out of town for the weekend, writing really bad AB/AB rhyme scheme poetry to her, and accidentally leaving it on my desk.

My family life would have been in ruins, my parents would have been even more strict than they already were.

“But I AM spending the night at Michael’s house. You can call and ask his mama. What’s their number? Ummmmmm hold on a sec, lemme grab the cordless from my room.” Whispers on phone, “Hey! You have to pretend like you are Michael Ivey’s mother……no it doesn’t matter if you don’t sound like her! My Mom has never even met her. She won’t know the difference.”

I can imagine the chaos in my house when I finally got caught. My pops would have been highly inappropriate, “Aw c’mon boy. Let ya daddy get a whiff of some 7th grade biology. You ain’t washed ya hands have you?” *Sniffs* “Mmmmmmmm I knew this was gon’be a good school district for you boy.”

My mother and I would have just had screaming matches.  “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE MOTHER? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES ME? THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS ISN’T IT? WHAT? I DO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE TOO OLD FOR ME? YOU HEARD THAT ALIYAH SONG. AGE AIN’T NUTHIN BUT A NUMBER MAMA!!!”

But for real. My science teacher was smoking hot. Shout out to Mrs. Sitton wherever she is. I’m a grown man now. I can finally get on her level. If I saw her today it’d be on. “Sup Shirlene? Yeah I’ve been thinking about this moment for 24 years. Remember how you used to think it was cute that I took notes from the board without even looking at my paper? Well I’ve picked up a trick or two since then. I’m ready to go, just you say the word. Oh yeah? You’re down? Well let’s get out of here. But before we go, I just need you to do one thing for me. Will you please call my house and pretend that you’re Michael Ivey’s mother. Yeah tell my dad I’m spending the night with ya’ll so I can go to church with your family in the morning.”