great lover/ terrible boyfriend

11 Jun

Make that money for Daddy son. Call me the next Earl Woods.

Make that money for Daddy son. Call me the next Earl Woods.

I’m a great lover, but in the past I’ve been a terrible boyfriend. This is due to a number of reasons I think,

in the past it was just abandonment issues, space issues, a need to be everywhere at once, commitment phobia, a desire to have every girl at my disposal, lack of patience, selfishness, self involvement, lack of stability, and just being a plain ole arsehole.

In the past I’ve broken up with girls in order to be free to sleep with other ladies, and often I’ve found being single equates with having auto insurance.

Chances are low that you’ll run into anything, but in case you do, its nice to have that piece of paper. Being as beautifully warped as I am, you can imagine how hard it is to meet women. I have particular tastes, and I’m unique, some would even say special.

There is more to me than a big penis and wonderful smile. It takes a special kind of woman to be with me. Any old gal will let you put your penis inside her, but it takes a special kind of lady to let you wear her dress and then make out with you while you beat off.

If there is anything I’ve learned over these years, it’s that if you’re asking the universe for something, then you must be specific. So I went on craigslist:

Single Black lesbian Male looking for woman without menstrual cycle, preferably one who doesn’t burp, fart, or shit. Spanking and biting a plus, and I might even let you pee on me, but only once. In a hotel room with double beds, one for peeing in, and one for sleeping in. My hobbies are video games, sports, and bong hits with ice.
Looking forward to meeting you,

Bobby Mickey.

I think maybe my biggest problem with women is my tendency to be honest. My conscious has cockblocked me far too many times. Many women need constant assurance, and no matter how many times you’ve told them you love them, and they are beautiful, I’ve found that its the one extra time……….that will get you that blowjob.

Which is why I’m always single. I jsut can’t blow sunshine up a girl’s ass, I’m not good at it.

For example:

“What do you mean you don’t think you wanna get married Bobby Mickey?”

“It doesn’t sound like a reasonable, practical thing. Why can’t we just live together for 30 years?”

“What would my parents think about that? It’s bad enough that you’re black, they’ll freak when they find out you aren’t capable fo getting married.”

“Look. I’m not saying I don’t love you, I’m just saying I can’t be in something legally binding.”

“So you wanna just leave this whenever you want?”

“Exactly, so you do understand. Maybe this will work after all.”

“Fuck off Bobby Mickey. This is why I can’t trust you. You say I’m beautiful and you say you love me, but how do I know you won’t leave me if I get fat?”

“You have absolutely nothing to worry about…………we’d still be friends.”

“Why won’t you marry me Bobby?”

“Look baby there’s nothing wrong with you all, you’re just not Japanese.”

It’s an evolutionary thing really. I’m trying to spread out the gene pool. Think of all the mixed breed babies out there that turn into stellar atheletes (and sometimes Presidents), Shane Battier, Derek Jeter (Both are from Michigan by the way), Tiger Woods. I wanna have a Capa-calAsian son.

I want to go to the U.S. Open and Torrey Pines, get invited to the British Open. I want a son who goes to UNC and plays basketball, then I can go to Duke vs. UNC games in Cameron Indoor Stadium. I want my own set of Titanium steel Jr. Mickey golf clubs.

No worries my caucasian women, you can still have my white babies.


One Response to “great lover/ terrible boyfriend”

  1. pearl June 19, 2009 at 8:51 am #

    i’d say this was funny, but i dont wanna blow sunshine up your arse!

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