Dirty talk

15 Jun

believe it or not, she and Peg Bundy were my two favorite masturbatory fantasies

believe it or not, she and Peg Bundy were my two favorite masturbatory fantasies

It’s been well documented in the past about my passion for weed. Its true I was always quite fond of it, especially from the years 1998 to 2007 (with little breaks in between).

Sometimes I thought I was an addict. I’d write myself little edicts that I was quitting and the longest break I had was about three of four months in the year 2003.

Finally I just had to quit because it was killing my resolve. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t do anything but listen to jazz, eat a bowl of cereal and look at white women. One hit from a joint and suddenly I was the guy from Blazing Saddles.

It was hell quitting though. I even went to MA meetings. Finally I saw a shrink about it, and with his help, I realized that I didn’t have a problem with addiction, I only had an oral fetish.

Learning this made me feel like I’d reached a major breakthrough, because I finally understood why fat girls gave the best blow jobs.
Now some of my readers may be horrified by this assertion, but its true, head from a fat girl is delicious. Its like being sucked off by an angel.

Now some of you are cringing, and I understand, but I’m not being mean. I’m actually bestowing the talents of the glandular challenged women out there. They will actually go in there and SUCK IT!!!!

Skinny broads kind of go in like they are trying to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop without biting it. I’m just saying, Go strong or don’t go at all. Ask Kobe, he’ll tell ya. That’s why he’s got a big ass smile on his face this morning, because HE WANTED IT!!!!!!

Anyway I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Delta Burke, and Anna Nicole Smith before she lost weight, hell, even Jackee from 227, or Kirstie Alley from Cheers. Send em my way, I’d know what to do with them. Now I’m absolutely positive that some of you out there are shaking your heads, saying, “Whatever floats your boat Bobby Mickey.”

Well I’ll tell you what floats my boat, Bouyuancy. Bouyuancy floats my boat.

I’m an equal opportunity employer. I like different women for different reasons. I like em big, tall, short, small, I just like women.

Only ones I can’t get down with are the ones with no pubes. I don’t wanna feel like a pederast. No runway strips, no Hitler mustaches. I wanna see a thick mossy forest. I wanna nuzzle with Chewbacca. I want to feel like I’ve got a mouth full of alfalfa sprouts.

Yea. this may be too real for people, but i like sex, I LOVE sex and I think we need to be able to be open about this like they are in other countries. I’m tired of feeling guilty about having Masturbation in the title of my latest book.

But no matter what, I’ll never be like one of those guys who get so comfortable they get all nonchalant about it. You ever head the euphemisms for sex, its disgusting, and borderline violent.

“Hey man did you hit?”

“HEy man she letting you beat it up?”

“Did you dig in dem guts?”

“Did you get some cut up?”

“did you stab?”

I admit i do like the idea of getting some trim, or some “Jones” as Bill Cosby referred to it.

But I cherish each and every time like it will be my last, because in college I never knew when it was happening again. Every time I pulled down a girl’s panties it was like unwrapping a Xmas gift.

Its always been a big deal to me, an art form even.

When I was giving a girl a back rub in my apartment. I was no longer Bobby Mickey. I was Bill Evans at the Village Vanguard. I was Thelonius Monk at the Newport Jazz Festival. I was Bob Ross painting landscapes.

“Oh such happy breasts, such happy breasts. Don’t want to make the buttocks jealous.”

One thing I’ve never been into is the dirty talk in the bedroom. It was exciting at first, like out of a porno. But then it became trite. I mean seriously, how are you going to say something that isn’t being said in 10,000 other bedrooms in America, quite possibly at the same time?

Sometimes there is such thing as being too creative:

“Yea baby you know how I said I was allergic to peanut butter? Well it turns out, your dog isn’t. ERRRRRRRRRRRRGHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The record skipped on that one didn’t it?

Imagine going the other way with it though.

“Yeah baby it feels so good. I think I’m gonna come.”

“Please don’t come inside me I don’t wanna get pregnant.”

“But then we could move in together, get us a place out by the transit line.”

“Oh you’re so green Bobby. Public transportation gets me hot.”

“Oh yeah. Does sustainable living get you hot? Well would a compost pile by the rose bushes get you wet?”

Oh extremely…..I’m dripping. Can we drink coffee in the morning out on the deck?”

“Oh yeah baby, French roasted, fair trade, and organic.”

“Oh Bay-Bee I need some cream in my coffee, give me some cream in my coffee.”

“Here’s some cream in your coffee..ooo oooooooohhhhh oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!

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One Response to “Dirty talk”

  1. Ana June 15, 2009 at 4:15 pm #

    might have a crush on you…

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