12 Sep

I stood in front of the Food Mart
watching for when the rain
would dissipate
or at least diminish to a walkable mist
feeling that I missed her
(and the boy)
but knowing it was too late to turn around
give it (yet) another shot
to be the stellar boyfriend she wanted
(and the exemplary father figure he needed).

I bristled at the thought.
Doing so would’ve wasted all efforts
I’d made to attain the autonomy I’d
longed for as a child.
The end of me as I knew it.

Did me no good
to look back
on that undercurrent of misery.
on balance
that period was an extremely educational one.
Growing out of that naivete
All those mistakes
but very little regret.


Time to reset.
Move forward
into this new chapter
and start all over (again)
leave all those hindrances behind
any barrier between me and success
and positivity
find the correct balance between hedonistic capriciousness
and responsibility for my actions

but essentially none of it really mattered
the lesson I’d forgotten along the way,
during the times I’d lost my sense of humor
and humility
I’d taken things too seriously
at this point
the only thing that mattered was what kind of person
I wanted to be while I was still here.


Back Where it all started
the cavalier attitude that I’d developed
all the awkward and embarrassment that
came as a result of that hedonistic attitude
My dyonysian utopia
learning the hard way
of how (not) to become socialized.
So what now?
Continue to follow my dreams
while they were still within grasp
or gear up for the inevitable end,
this impending nightmare
we were creating?

And if this were all just a dream anyway
shouldn’t I
grab, grab, grab
as much as I could before it was snatched away?

A new five year plan
was needed before I could proceed any further
shock was slowly wearing off
the empty space before me thrilled me
pulling me back out into the rain
washing away any lingering doubts or regret.
My clothes were drenched but my head remained high.

~Edward Austin Robertson~


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