How to BE a DJ in 2014

14 Feb

1) Buy a Mac laptop computer, (cross fader, drum sampler and Kaos pad optional)
2) Upload favorite songs on I-tunes
3) Sign up for a Spotify account and make a playlist
4) Create a cool DJ nickname like “Kid MetaPhistics” or DJ D. Funked
5) Set up a Facebook/twitter/myspace/bandcamp/soundcloud account
6) Get gigs at local house parties in hopes up gaining a reputation
7) Set up gear at said gig and say “How ya’ll doing out there [Insert name of city/town/venue into]?”
8) Click on first track to start the night
9) Nod head to the beat like you are digging the track’s drums
10) Place headphones on head but with only one ear covered
11) Prepare to segue into next track
12) Say “Aw yeaaaaa [Insert name of city/town/venue into]. Ya’ll feeling this?”
13) Gauge crowd reaction then say “I know ya’ll gonna like this one haha!”
14) Cue next track then lick finger and point in the air to dry
15) Take finger and press play on the next track
16) Spin away from booth and dance behind the booth–the cornier the dance the better
17) Repeat steps 12-16 every 3-4 minutes.
18) Grab camera phone and take photo of the audience dancing to music that other people made.
19) Upload photo onto twitter/Instagram/Facebook account and show everyone on the web the hype party they are missing.
20) Ask [Insert name of city/town/venue into] how they are doing?
21) Awkwardly shoehorn in favorite song that almost ruins the mood.
22) Compensate for mistake by playing a crowd-friendly tune that will get the party hype
23) Give shout outs to venue/booking/and accompanying acts
24) Check twitter/Instagram/Facebook for responses. Type out response but erase them because it will make people question why you are responding on your I-phone in the middle of a “hype” DJ set.
25) Tell the crowd you love them and yell “peace” before going into last track.
26) Thank audience and take a sip of bottled water. Then throw up hands to the beat of music.
27) Unload gear and place gear into a safe place–preferably tour van or car.
28) Check twitter/Instagram/Facebook for more responses then give a shout to city/town/venue you just played
29) Respond to any messages, shout outs you received on the web
30) Hang out backstage or at the bar. Scope out potential groupies. Act like the spot you are at is the hottest spot in town right now.
31) Figure out after show plans. Narrow them down to after-party with the other performing acts, taking a groupie home, hooking up with a cutie from around the way, hanging out with significant other, or going home alone to plan next show (and/or masturbate).
32) Execute final evening plans and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Nod to any compliment sent your way (should you choose groupie or after-party.
33) Repeat steps 7-32 at next show.

pete-tong-dj

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