Sex Ed.

13 Jul

Stoutest defense you'll ever face.

Stoutest defense you'll ever face.

I really think that in Sex Education classes, that after pulling the kids aside to watch the outdated videos, they should give kids pointers on pleasing their lovers.

Girls, no more Kung Fu death grips on boy’s penises, and

boys will finally learn how to take off bras.

I think this has been such an intimidating thing for me over the years, not ever learning how to take a bra off. I’ve been known to even bypass the breasts in the past because I didn’t want to lose momentum and look like an idiot under pressure.

Its nerve wracking enough when you first start mugging down with a chick.
“Good gawd this feels so good, how far is this going to go? Do I touch the breasts? If so do i feel above the shirt, or go beneath, and if beneath then do i try to take off the bra?????”

I feel like Charlie Brown asking out the red haired girl in these situations.

“Oh goodness should I rub her crotch and if so do I just rub it over the jeans? Do I even attempt to take off the jeans, and if so then do I rub her cooter above the panties or take them off?”

You never want to make the first out at third base being too aggressive, but then again I’ve been way lax in some cases because I assumed there was gonna be another at bat, only to find out that was my only chance to get on base, which then results in me cursing myself for not being more aggressive.

Yet in those magical times when you do get them off, it’s like that scene in Pulp Fiction when they open the briefcase.

A solemn and silent awe and acceptance, and a moment of gratitude.

I used to date a lot of WASPy chicks who’d feel guilty about letting go and the only time they’d be fun was when they were drunk, then they could blame the alcohol and not feel guilty.

Sober, it’d be a battle of field position. And let me tell you…..those end zone defenses were tough, like the ’85 Bears. I had lots of drives stall at the goal line. No matter what I called, Fullback Blast, QB Sneak, the End Around……I’d settle for lots of field goals. and then the crowd would start booing me. ” You suck Mickey, you’ll never be as good as Troy Aikman!!!!!!”

Pat Summerall: “On comes the kicking team to try and salvage the drive.”

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