That Moment When You Realize You’re Washed

21 May

 

I’m just now coming to terms with being washed. You know how I know I’m washed? I’m in bed by ten on Friday nights. I prefer cheese pizza over any other toppings, and all  my favorite music is from the 90’s era. I feel like a 60 year old in a 40 year old man’s body.

#WASHED

Could you imagine a dating App for introverts? It’d be the worst idea ever. People would just creep on each other’s profile pics and make up reasons not to message first. No one would get laid.

 

 

I’ve been working on my own dating APP. Its called @myworst.com with an @ symbol. I wanna cut thru the smoke and mirrors of the dating game. Get to the heart of it—like that Don Henley song.It’d be just like every other dating site. You create a profile, gas yourself up or whatever, but then you gotta put at least 3 of your worst photos onto the site, so that people can see the truth. The rougher the photo the better. We’re talking hangover face, diarrhea face, I’ve got cramps and I’m bloated face. Because the person you went to bed with and the person you wake up next to can be two completely people. #nosurprises

 

Think about how assuring it must feel to sit across from someone at the dinner table and know that they were still felt attracted to you after seeing your worst photographs. That person went on your profile and thought “eh if this is as bad as it gets, then I’ll give it a shot” Anyone looking to invest? I’m a have this off the ground by the next SXSW interactive. Tryna change the game.

 

 

I’ve been working in education for the last 5 years. It’s a mixed bag. On one hand I like working with kids and at times it is ridiculously fun. On the other hand I’m implicitly contributing to the school to prison pipeline. Teaching public school in Oklahoma really burnt me out on it. I spent more time fighting white supremacy brainwashing than I did teaching history. I eventually stopped going to department meetings because I got tired of explaining why a team mascot like the Redmen is considered racist,  or why you can’t show a class full of black kids the “Butler” & “The Help” and pass it off as history.

 

The admin was always quick to suspend kids and I’d have to advocate on their behalf so they wouldn’t get behind the blackball academically. I remember having one “come to Jesus” meeting with a kid and his mom, and the discipline dean and guidance counselor. It was absurd. This kid was fucking around and had like a 12 in my class because he never came to class. Anyway, we finally got to a good place in the meeting,when the guidance counselor asked what his goals were for the rest of his life. This mutherfucker says “ I wanna go to the NBA.”  

 

Crickets.

 

It got mad quiet in the room, before thankfully, another teacher asked the mother, “Mrs. so and so, what about you? Do you have any goals for Denzell that you’d like him to accomplish?”

 

There was a collective sigh of relief. Then mom said, “I want him to go to the NBA too!”

 

The dean and the guidance counselor looked at him and said “well you never know where you’ll be if you work hard” and “make sure remember to leave us some tickets when you make it big.”

 

I said “THATS IT! I’m outta here. This is bullshit!”

 

Finally I calmed down enough to talk the kid and his mom after the meeting.

 

“Look I heard what you said in there about Denzell’s future and I think it’s important that we don’t put all our eggs in one basket for him. Listen.  There’s no nice way to put this… but your son sucks at basketball. we need to find a plan B for him. I’m serious. I’ve seen him on the court and he’s terrible. He doesn’t box out, he can’t dribble to his left, his shot is trash, and he doesn’t know how to move without the ball. Before you report me to my supervisor, just hear me out for a second. Now I’ve seen your son’s grades and I must admit, he is pretty decent at math……..Have you guys ever considered him selling drugs?

 

Now hear me out…I can make some calls to some people guy who can get you started on the entry level. You’re young, so if you start now, by the time you’re 21 you can afford to start your own crew. This doesn’t have to be your career, but just a good way to get your foot in the business world. Think about all the things you can do with that money Denzell. You can open up that tea shop your mother always talked about owning. You can invest in the stock market and diversify your assets. Hell you can even start a rap label and perhaps even sign the next Fetty Wap. Let’s be honest, if you don’t graduate high school, you’re probably going to jail anyway, may as well go in having some work experience.

 

I like giving back to the community. That’s part of why I teach so I can be an example for these kids to look up to. I wanna be to nerdy black teenagers what Dan Savage is for Queer kids. “I promise it gets better junior. Don’t let my occupation fool you. I could’ve been anything in life besides a teacher. I just got lazy”

 

 

Growing up is tough. Growing up in today’s world is even tougher. So many more pitfalls for kids these days. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like growing up with things like Snapchat, Facebook Live, and internet porn. So I get it. I like to think of myself as less of a teacher and more of a guide through the turbulent seas of adolescence.

 

I had it rough as a teenager myself. I went to school in Dallas for a little bit and I got fucked with relentlessly because I was a nerd and I reeked of the suburbs.I would finish my work as fast as I could then go and hide in the library because I knew my bullies didn’t know where it was.

 

I kept toothpaste and a toothbrush in my locker and sometimes after lunch I’d look up from the sink and see a bunch of kids watching me and laughing.

“ See man I told you Carlton brushes his teeth erryday after lunch.”

 

 

 

But I remember what it’s like at that age. Its sucks. I always felt like I had no control over my life. 8 hours of school where adults treated us like prisoners. My parents were uber strict and my only outlets as a kid were music and sports. So I get it. Not to say that I totally get the youth of today or that we always get along. The other day during pickup some 15 year old tried to fight me. I dunno if it was all the trash i was talking or pushing him a little too hard on a foul, but he was mad agitated. One time down the court, he yelled to his teammate, “I’m a beat this old man’s ass if he keep fucking with me.”

 

I looked at him when we got down to the other end of the court. “Can I help you?” He said blankly.

 

“Why are you so upset young man. We spose to be having fun. Life is too short to be mad all the time.

 

“ Shut the fuck up talking to me wit yo washed ass. Why you out here anyway man, you old?  What? You think this an afterschool special or something? You better get on fo’ you get spit on. Old muthafucka. Kick ROCKS NIGGA!”

 

 

Trying times though for my people, now more than ever we have to utilize my black people instincts–or as you white people call it, “Paranoia”. My negro spidey senses, are what have kept me out of fucked up situations.It’s the ability to quickly calculate the odds of every decision resulting in a run-in with white supremacist.

 

If you invite me to your state, your city or your home and I decline, it’s probably because my third eye told me not to. The same reason I don’t jog in white neighborhoods is the same reason I don’t go camping. You’ll never catch me out at Glacier, or the Redwoods or any other National Parks. Nope I’m just as likely to run into a white supremacist as I am a grizzly bear. At least with a grizzly bear I’ll get justice because someone will have to shoot it. They’ll just take the white supremacist to Burger king.

BM

 

profile pic b mick  Bobby Mickey is the alter ego of writer and poet Edward Austin Robertson. When he isn’t involved in some basketball related activity, actively looking for parties to deejay or venues to perform comedy, he can be found recording podcasts with Craig Stein at Fullsass Studios. Follow him on twitter @clickpicka79. For booking inquiries, send contact info to thisagoodassgame@gmail.com. 

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