Nuclear Polio Vaccination

I’m thankful I’m no longer a prisoner to my penis. I can lead a somewhat normal life. No more excusing myself from the dinner table to come back smelling like Vaseline. No more pulling my pud in the Burger King walk-in freezer, or using anything I can get my hands on for lube, shampoo, Ben Gay,etc.
At this point in my life I’d be perfectly okay with a porn collection, video game system, a nice glass bong, and a dog, at least for a little while.
I have finally learned how to say no to pussy–how to discern what constitutes a good trip. After enough sex, I’ve realized its just pussy, and there’s no such thing as free pussy, there’s always a booty tax. There’s a difference between sexual curiosity and sexual attraction, and just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Sex without complications is a thing of the past and has been for years, if sex is the best outcome then maybe its best to walk away.
13 years of sexual activity has taught me how to know when to call it a night and just go home to rub one out.

We used to sit around Jimmy’s house and watch porn and eat Ramen noodles. I think I was 14, and this was my first exposure to true porno. When my cousin and I were little we’d watch the Toxic Avenger movie to see titties.

This was way better. Actual penetration and better yet, lesbian scenes.
Maybe this is what made us so horny that day, when his neighbors Shannon and Mike stopped by
to shoot the shit.

I was never particular fond of Shannon’s looks but I was game when Mike suggested she let us burn a pubic hair with a ridiculously long match.

She said yeah, but only for money. I drummed up 47 cents. Mike had a dollar, Jimmy ran into his room and pulled out his special jar and counted out 15 dollars. That made 16 dollars and 47 cents.

She agreed to, pulled her panties down and Mike struck the match. He put it to her outstretched pube and almost caught the whole patch on fire. She put it out before there was any real danger.

Still we felt gypped. We wanted to see the singular pube burn down to the very end (obviously none of us had taken any science classes). This would be impossible to pull off.

So we wanted our money’s worth. At least let us see your pussy Shannon, we implored. Jimmy wasn’t down for this.

“I’m a gentleman.” he said, forgetting that he’d put up the most money, and he retreated down the hall.

And she showed it to us. We all looked down at her crotch in a collective silence. Mike and I were salivating, so close yet so faraway.

“Let us finger you.” Mike asked. My dick jumped up ten feet in the air.

“Yeah Shannon, let us finger you.”

“You got some more money?”

We didn’t and Jimmy wasn’t going to put up more money to not see some cooter, so she pulled her pants up and things pretty much dissolved after that. It’d be impossible to play a game of Madden that afternoon after what we saw (and what Jimmy didn’t).

Shannon left and soon it was just the three of us, trying to intellectualize what had just happened. Mike kept calling Jimmy a pussy and
I couldn’t wait to get home and beat off.

I took off towards home amazed at seeing my first pussy up close and in real life. As soon as I got inside my mom’s apartment, I went to my bedroom and beat my dick like it owed me money.
I found out years later from Mike that he started fucking Shannon by the end of that following week.

I didn’t care. As I said earlier I was never interested in her. I was just happy to see what a living breathing vagina looked like, it was like everything I’d imagined it to be. Much prettier in person than in magazines and television.

Catchin the “clap” is a lot like getting a “C” in college. You know you’re smart enough to not be getting it, but you’re kinda relieved because you know it could’ve been a lot worse.

I thought up my new brand of T-shirts…..space agey and shit…..

You-niverse.. on the astrology tip……..

no one wanted to invest……consensus is that they’re too corny:

Capricorns Can’t be cornered (photo of brain with a padlock next to it)

Aquarius are always a-going

Cancers tend to be clingy (photo of a crab hanging on to someone’s ear by one claw)

Libras make better lovers (or listeners if it’s a kid’s shirt)
of course my personal fave is the Texas state outline which says Austin: hang out with your twang out…

I’m only kidding about some of these….I’ll probably make the Texas one if only for myself to wear……..

unless of course I start making T-shirts about my favorite cities.

They’d say “Portland hearts Bobby Mickey”

I could make one about Austin, Toronto, Wichita, Eugene, and OKC probably…..but then on the back I could have a photo of my favorite women and me pasted on the front…..with the font on the back…hmmmmm talk about self serving and gratifying…no one would buy those…and it’d be even douchier to wear those Tee’s.

It’d be the equivalent of seeing a professional basketball player out on the streets wearing his own jersey and some jeans.

You’d almost have to respect that kind of level of conceit.
Because you know you’ve encountered someone who TRULY doesn’t give a damn about what people think of them.

I guess I’d have to conversely make Tee’s that said Dallas hates Bobby Mickey, Houston really hates Bobby Mickey, Los Angeles couldn’t give a fuck about Bobby Mickey…..now that my friends would be HONEST.