Nuclear Polio Vaccination

Teaching ain’t bad. This was my plan B.

Comedy was my first love, but it wasn’t paying the bills. Nothing is more humbling than doing standup in a San Francisco laundromat, getting heckled by homeless people. “ You Suck.”

Oh what do you know? I just walked in on you washing your undies in the bathroom sink. If you think you can do better why don’t you give it a go.”

Crazy thing is the dude went on stage and killed it. I was embarrassed. Turns out he was the headlining comic that night. That was when I decided it was time to use my college degree.

Of course, now I have 3 hour and half sets a day with 30 plus hecklers. “Look kid I don’t come to YOUR job and knock the milkshake out of your hand. Let me do me teach you little shit.

Booker T in the house? Harvard in the HOOD

I used to love substitute teaching at Booker T. It is like private school for middle class people. Why does Booker T. get everything? It’s a lil unfair.

You ever hang around a Booker T. grad? They know every other Booker T. Graduate in the world. It’s like a cult. I paid someone to teach me the booker T secret handshake I’ll show you.

I feel like Booker T is where rich people send their kids to keep em from being complete brats. “But Mummy, Daddy, I don’t want to go to Booker T. I want to go to Bishop Kelly with my friends.”

“Listen Bradley. you’re going to have to learn how to interact with poor people.One day these people are going to work for you, it’s important for you to know how to communicate with them. And don’t forget Bradley.poor people vote too.”

I teach at [Redacted]. People cringe when I tell them that. They ask if it is you know “ a little rough?”

to which I laugh. I grew up in Dallas. One of the high schools I attended had metal detectors at the entrance. If you took the kids at Phoenix Rising and placed them in a school the size of Memorial, that would almost equate to the experience I had my sophomore year. I spent most of my free time hiding out in the library like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption.

I love teaching, it’s been a lot more fun this year than last. As a first year teacher, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. At the end of last spring you would have thought I was reenacting a scene from Platoon. I was shell shocked.

First semester I was just  bugging out on the irony of being a teacher. I was the biggest space case in high school, a huge slacker. I would just stare out the window and just wish for the end of high school to finally come. There must have been a Monkey’s Paw hidden in my desk because look at me now. I hated high school, and now I teach high school. I cried after the first graduation I had to work, because they were leaving and I was going to wake up and still be in high school.

I teach 9th graders. It is a good marriage because I’m only slightly more mature than they are. At this point I behave like a really mature 20 year old. My students waste at least 5 mins of class a day trying to figure out how old i am. The only hint I ever give them is that I listened to Eazy E and Tupac when they were still alive. #OGSTATUS

It is a trip seeing the students develop as the year progresses. It is scary cuz you can almost pinpoint the point when their innocence starts dissipating. Couples go from being cutesy to just plain lewd.

“Something about you seems different these days Hayley, and I can’t figure out what it………..ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well uhhhh….. looks like your life is about to become infinitely more complicated…..sit down, there’s a Cat Stevens song I need you to listen to.”

Life is too short. It’s important to keep that in mind, This is a job of public service. If you are only doing it for summers off and a paycheck, then you may need to reevaluate what you want in life. Life is too short to be miserable. These kids are going through it.

Its hard enough being a teenager, and there is plenty of negativity in the outside world for them to encounter. The classroom should be a safe place for them to find some sort of guidance on how to maneuver this crazy place.

I try to push them to be the best people they can be. Not all of them are meant for college but I certainly advise them on it:

“College? Oh yeah. College is the best party 20,000 dollars can buy. Don’t be afraid to take the hit. Loans? Yeah take em. Truth is they expect you to pay the money back. Its like a game you play with your parents. Consider it a gift. What? Bankruptcy? That is only real in Monopoly money. Donald Trump went bankrupt 4 times and now he has a 31 percent approval rating. Its 2016 pimpin’ you can be anythang you want.”

I try to take the opportunity to teach them decorum  and etiquette. It feels like this generation never learned about “please and thank you” basic manners 101 where I am from. Yes sir, No maam.

The worst is when they want something and instead of asking they tell me “I should [fill in request] here’

I know it has been a long time since my last English course, but I’m pretty sure that you just uttered a declarative sentence. Was that meant to be a question?

Funnily enough, it is only at this exact moment that I realize how much I’ve been stumbling through the world blindly, lost in a wilderness like descendents of the tribe of Israel.. How was I to know that my whole life all I needed was a 14 yr old snot nosed kid to become my life coach, and tell me exactly what I need to do in my life?Unbelievable. It is like the universe enrolled you into my class just so you could help me. This is some shit straight out of the “Secret.” I can’t wait to email Oprah about this. God bless you my child.

We have any ELL teachers in here? I’m still a little confused about the whole ELL program. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to build a curriculum for a kid who can barely speak English. I have taken 4 years of Advanced Spanish and I can barely order Chicarones at the taco stand without the cashier giggling at me. These kids are supposed to understand the basic concepts of our government? Are you serious? .

I can imagine if I had moved to Mexico my sophomore year of high school and sat in a civics class there.

“Senor Roberto, Tu Puedes digame Que Hombre vendre California a los Estatos Unidos? La Repuesta es en pagina setenta dos.”

“ Es Fue Presidente Fox?”

“No Senor.”

‘Chingaaaaa. Es muy deficiles profesora!!!”

I’m just saying…..

anyway…teachers should get paid more. Like I said before, this was my plan D. First I thought I was going to be a professional baseball player, then I thought I was going to be a sportswriter, then a comedian…and now………. this works for me though. I liked the freedom of being an artist, but I knew things were pretty bleak when I started mixing shrimp ramen and beef ramen together and calling it Surf and Turf.

What I didn’t know was that by becoming a teacher I was essentially taking a vow of poverty. My plan of marrying up was ruined when my girlfriend of 8 days broke up with me. I was putting in my bid to become a house husband. “what do you mean I don’t make enough money? You make 80 grand? I can freelance write and take care of the kids while you are at work. Then when they go off to college, I can go back to school and get my master’s–then leave you for someone 20 years younger. I  have it all figured out babe.”

One of the bigger obstacles I have found is dealing with phones. I remember we couldn’t even have our pagers at school when I was a teenager. Remember pagers? You could leave messages on people’s phones. They’d have to turn it upside down. Like 7734 2 06 was go to hell. there was 911, and of course…….80085 was boobs.

I would have never thought we’d be at the point now with cell phones. Its such a problem, and not just because it’s a distraction. Text speak has ruined this generation’s vocabulary.

Me: “I don’t understand these answers you put on your text Juan. We watched one video of North Korea, why would you think it was the answer to so many questions?

Juan: “What you mean North Korea? I ain’t put that for no answer.”

Me: Surely you did, and you didn’t even get the abreviation right. It’s DPRK for Democratic People’s   Republic of Korea, not Independent Democratic of Korea.

Juan: “Man you is tripping. IDK means I don’t know. Where the hell you been Mr. McFail?

“aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh you stupid Mr. McFail.”

This is usually where I try to bridge the gap with topical humor to show I’m not such a square.’

“Knock knock.”

“WHo’s there?”

“Dee.”

“Dee who?”

“ Deez notes…….on the board.”
GOT EMMMMMM

~BM

Tags: bobby mickey

I’m working really hard on getting down to my fighting weight. When I left for the summer I was sitting a Boris Diaw-esque 225 lbs. I’m at a comfortable 195 lbs. now, but I can certainly get trimmer. I’m finally recovered from the Hernia surgery I underwent in January.

It really messed with my performance. I’d have to warn dates ahead of time “look girl, don’t go confusing this for love. I’m only stroking this slow because of my hernia”

The operation costs 23,000 though. More than it cost me in my 8 years of undergrad. Luckily I had insurance, so i’m only paying like 3,000 of it–only. I looked at the itemized stuff though. It was crazy. 11,000 dollars for the 6 hours I spent in the recovery room.

You know how many escorts I could have hired to play “nurse” to me in the comfort of my own home? Three.

One could have held my head up, another chick with a can of soda pop to my mouth with a straw in it.  Then another girl could’ve had a latex glove on her hand and finished me off. And that’s just the first five minutes.

They could’ve spent the rest of the six hours playing with each other’s titties for my amusement.  If I’m going to throw down that kind of money, someone should be wiping the ejaculate off their face.

#Money well spent

Had I known it was going to be that expensive, I’d have never had the surgery, and just gone through life having sex like a 70 yr old on Viagra. ” Why of course I love you girl. You think I be stroking like that for every chick? I can’t stroke no slower.”

But luckily I had insurance. I wish you could have seen the lady’s face when I told her my insurance carrier. You’d have think I told her I had a nine inch cock. “Oooooooh Mr. Mickey, you have really good insurance…….”

If I could take her voice and loop that one sentence onto a recording, I’d never have to watch porn again.

I spent the early part of that winter eating cheeseburgers, and watching OZ on HBOGO. Shit was grim. I remember as a kid, trying to avoid even being in the same room when that show was on. Prison was a scary thing to think about. The thought of being locked up in a facility with no rights and (worse–no women) frightened me. Not to mention the mere threat of being raped. I felt those old adolescent fears creep up again while watching what I thought (mistakenly) was a treatise on the corrupt justice system. This was when I had what some people would call a “light bulb moment”.

Was this the same kind of fear that some women feel every day in the outside world?

These are things we males take for granted. Think about that the next time you and your homies wanna catcall a chick.

I personally I don’t see the endgame in it. 

As a creepy dude, you really only have two options. Either go up to the woman and tell her what it is about her that you admire. OR you catch the image and say a silent prayer to to the “creepy Gods” for every piece of skin or butt outline that you were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of. That’s it, thank the God of Flesh “Creeopolees” and keep it moving.

And If I get busted I just laugh about it and just shrug. Sometimes I’ll just say “If God didn’t want me to look, he wouldn’t have made you so beautiful”

The way I see it, itis like when you are out hiking and you see a beautiful tree that you appreciate. Sometimes you get too close to the tree and accidentally brush up against it. This is excusable, but you don’t fondle the tree bark without permission , and you certainly don’t rip a leaf off the branch because you think it’s pretty. That is assault.

Here is a frightening thought, 1 out of every 4 women is sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Do you realize how high of a percentage that is? I’d play Powerball with those kind of odds.

If I were going skydiving and the pilot told me that 1 out of every 4 packs was missing a parachute, you better believe we’d be turning that plane around. 25 % is a ridiculously high number. We gotta treat our women better…….

One of the seldom talked about consequences of this whole Cosby scandal, is that he single-handedly ruined it for creepy dudes everywhere. Now I feel especially guilty for looking at women’s asses when I open the doors for them.

One minute you’re at Whole Foods fetishizing women in yoga pants, and before you know it, you’re buying a Quaalude from your gynecologist buddy. Its a slippery slope. 

I think this is the cause of “Mommy” jeans and jammies returning to vogue. I think women are so fed up with our bullshit, that they are going out of their way to look unattractive. This is what our society has become. Its no wonder they are in Japan building robots for people to have sex with. We’ve lost our humanity.

BM
@clickpicka79

bobbymickey@gmail.com

Tags: bobby mickey

There is something inherently sad about  the thought of being a 40 year old man, trying to pick up young 20 somethings at the bar; and sounding like a Cutco salesmen. ‘I’m so great and this is why you should fuck me.” I just don’t have the energy to chase it anymore.

I’m reaching the point where it is almost time for me to settle down. Finally keep a girlfriend for more than 9 months, buy a house, and maybe even have a vasectomy.

It might be a deterrent for women to get serious with me, but anytime I get lonely I’ll just look at that 250,000 dollar check I wrote for myself that I framed on the wall. In case I end up changing my mind, I keep a jar in the fridge that I’ve storing my deposits. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had guests complain about the mayonnaise  tasting funny. “ Muthafucka you just ate my kids!!!! You know how many weeks it took me just to get 8 oz of that stuff? You owe me a month’s worth of my internet bill.”

But the main reason I wanna get a vasectomy is because I wanna have unprotected sex again. The number one  reason I hate one night stands is because you have to use condoms. Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of sex with a girl and just look at her face as she writhes in joy and elation, and think “Damn this is pointless. I can’t feel a fucking thing.” Its taken the fun out of sex. Now when I see hot chick the only thing I even consider  is “will she make out with me while I beat off?”

That and it is “can I have a conversation with this gal?” Two things about me. I’m a great cuddler, and I give great conversation. I be like, “yeah gurl, you like this good conversation I’m giving you? Told you it was gonna to be good to you. Came up to your apartment to give you some of that GREAT conversation. You aint neva had conversation like this have you? You LOVE this conversation don’t you?

I just recently set up an Okcupid account. I have friends who live in other cities and they do well on there. The Tulsa area leaves a little to be desired. It is a wasteland. Looking at the women on there is like trying to find a date in the frozen food section at the neighborhood Wal-mart. They aren’t all ugly,there are some women on there that you can tell were fairly attractive ten years ago(you know, before the Meth and the babies). The majority of them are too old, or too overweight, and the few pretty ones you can tell by looking at them that they are racist. 

Of the six things they can’t live without, 3 of them usually involve the words Jesus Christ, their children, their cell phones, or their Facebook accounts.

Maybe I need to go on one of those paid sites. I wish there was one that was more catered to me–something like weirdbrownpplmeet.com I just can’t get it up for white chicks anymore. The novelty of pissing off white fathers has worn off for me. Plus I already love fried chicken, basketball, and smoking weed. Do I really need to fulfill another stereotype? Of the 4 stereotypes, neither basketball, herb, or fried chicken have ever been ashamed to introduce me to their parents.

My new mantra is “If they identify as white, we prolly gonna have a fight.”  I want the kind of brown chick that can relate to hiding her U2 CD’s when her black friends came over. The kind of brown chick whose guilty pleasure in high school was listening to Billy Joel  on cassette tape. 

“WE DIDN”T START THE FIRE. IT WAS ALWAYS BURNING SINCE THE WORLD BEEN TURNING”

I’ve been kind of playing on the hearts of uber liberal white people. If there is one thing I have learned in my life is that you can never underestimate the power of white guilt. Everybody say with me, “WHITE GUILT POWER!!!!” 

Ever since the Michael Brown murder, I have been treating every day like it is Black History Month. I be parking in the handicapped spaces, not starting the coffee machine after drinking the last cup of coffee, letting the yellow mellow in public restrooms.

When my roommates give me shit about not washing my dishes, I say “Oh my bad. I was under the impression that black lives mattered. I mean after all these years of MY people cleaning up after your people, you would think you’d be able to let this slide. I mean, its only two bowls, 6 plates, 4 glasses, 10 spoons, 4 knives, and a half empty jar of peanut butter. What’s the big deal?

I tell you what Massa, I will not only clean up my mess, but I’ll also clean up your mess as well. I can sing and dance while I’m at it–even do a soft shoe shuffle for you. #blacklivesmatter.”

I’m not in a super rush to meet anybody though. I’m not going to force anything. Nothing is trickier than breaking up with a chick and trying to maintain a friendship–especially when they were the one dumped. Sometimes its just better to rip the band aid off, instead of trying to soften the blow by saying “we’ll still be friends.” One of two things usually happen: either the friendship continues to be murky because you can’t stop fooling around with each other, and someone gets their feelings hurt. The other outcome is that nothing physical happens and someone gets hurt because they want that physical intimacy to continue. 

I tried to be friends with one of my most recent exes, but I would get these random drunken texts telling me how much she missed me. Finally I had to shut that down too.

“WHY don’t you miss me? Don’t you want to be friends? I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE FRIENDS?”

“Yea friends. You know people who go to shows together or ride bikes, play basketball with.. I don’t text my guy friends late at night saying “You still love me homey? I can’t quit thinking bout you dawg?”

How the fuck does that sound? Anyway. I think it would behoove me to streamline my focus onto my goals. That will be much easier when I’m not actively trying to friend my way into the pants of 5 different girls spread out across the globe. It can be exhausting. I figure by late October, I will have something steady locked up. Nothing too serious. You know, casual but monogamous–if there is such a thing. If there isn’t, well dammit; it is time to make it a thing.

One thing is for sure. Dating in Oklahoma is akin to fishing in a polluted lake. I get the feeling that whatever psychological ailment has befallen the women here in this state will be transferred to me the minute I stick my dick inside one of these ladies. I’m better off just waiting until I move back home to Texas. I’ll take my chances there.

Peace,

BM

@clickpicka79

bobbymickey@gmail.com

Tags: bobby mickey