Archive | June, 2009

Regional Bias III

15 Jun

Davey Crockett he ain't. I'm a call you Duuuubya.

Davey Crockett he ain't. I'm a call you Duuuubya.

California was a nice trip. Great weather, fantastic weed. It would’ve been perfect if not for the Californians. They always got the gas face when I told them I was from Texas. I’d be rapping to a chick.

“Yea baby girl. I’m from Texas.”

“Boooooooo, Texas. That’s Bush country isn’t it?”

As if California isn’t responsible for eight years of Ronald Reagan.
Bush isn’t even a native Texan. He’s from Maine, went to Yale. It’s not like he was one of the first settlers from Tennessee to come to Texas and vanquish 1,000’s of Mexicans to win their right to own slaves.

Those are the true Texans. Bush just bought a baseball team and became governor. He’ll always be a yankee in my book. But its because of this Yankee yahoo that people think Texans are stupid.

To which I reply “Look you’re absolutley wrong. Texans are not stupid…….it’s just too fucking hot to think. Cut us some slack.”

My I.Q. jumped about 10 points when I moved out to the west coast. I started using big words in my vocabulary. Like photosynthesis.

And Chlamydia.

The most interesting part about California was their passion for the environment.

And not wanting niggers in it.

I came to this realization when I was working for Greenpeace, door to door in neighborhoods up in the Oakland Hills.

My trainer was this blue eyed, blonde haired golden boy type with a strong jaw line, strutting with the confidence of knowing he came out of the Aryan Annual.

He cleaned up, people clamoring to give him what they had. “You had dinner yet? Wanna brownie, wanna cookie, want my wife? Anything for the cause buddy.”

My side of the block was never that friendly. I couldn’t even get them to open up their doors. [Man looks out window and shakes his head.]
“No sir. Not falling for the old nigger with the clipboard gag again. Helen call the police!!!!! That crack head from Jungle Fever is here again.”

NBEC

14 Jun

That's 1 (800) FREE-GRO!!!!!! Call NOW!!!!

That's 1 (800) FREE-GRO!!!!!! Call NOW!!!!

In certain social circles, I’m a very square dude.

One day my little brother(the one who peed in the Mark Twain river not the one who tried to grab his own turd with a paper towel) was looking through my cd collection.

Back then there was mostly jazz and a few Radiohead discs, probably some Marvin Gaye.

He looks at me and says Man ain’t you got some black music? Of course to me, it doesn’t get more militant, more urban, or ethnic, more pro-black than jazz music. But how could I possibly explain this to my Lil Flip listening, American Pimp watching little bro.

But it was around this time I realized what side of the divide I was on in other people’s eyes. I just wasn’t black enough, even though I know more about African American culture and history than the average cat around (minus hip hop fads and trends I’m talking people, events), I was labeled as someone who was an Oreo, a white man in a black mans body, a “blippy”.

which of course begs the question how is a black man supposed to behave? and according to who’s and what definition did it mean to be black?

I’ve seen Chappelle’s skit on “I know Black People” and yes it is true for a certain amount of us. Yet where do people like me fit in?

Hi I’m Bobby Mickey, Cosmic Comic. You may have seen me in such projects as The Ed Forman Show Starring ME Ed Forman!!!!, Black Guy Funny Phone Sex, and in the role of six year old defendant on television’s Night Court.

I’m here to talk to you about joining the NBEC. Now some of you are wondering what the NBEC is and how to join? Well is your skin as dark as mine? Do you have more than 10 white friends and less than five black friends? Well if so, then you’re eligible to join the Not Black Enough Coalition.

Before I formed the NBEC, I used to have to hide my U2 and Tears for Fears albums when my black friends came over to hang out. But now I have plenty of black companions to accompany me in evenings of playing chess, taking acid and listening to Grateful Dead.

Some of you are out there saying, but Bobby Mickey, I’m not black. Well that’s okay. Because the NBEC isn’t just for black men, but it’s also for white women who like to SLEEP with black men. So act now and we’ll throw in a complementary glass bong with a copy of De La Soul’s 3 Feet High and Rising.

Call now at 1(800) FREE-GRO

and ask for Bobby.

And please remember, it’s not selling out, it’s buying in.

So the next time your relatives say, “Man college really changed you, hanging out with those white folks got you listening to weird music and eating rabbit food.”

Call us and you won’t have to feel guilty about saying” Hey if living healthy,listening to good music, and not spending my money on rims and stereo equipment makes me white, then call me a cracker.

You can call me a honky, just don’t CALL me when you need money for a triple bypass, cuz I’m not trying to hear it. Now get out of my office………………… You NIGGER!!!!!!!!”

Box in hand is worth two fingers in the bush

11 Jun

His balls grew heavy like some Kentucky storm clouds.

For whatever reason that phrase has been repeating itself in my head. If anyone out there is writing a smutty, cheap, dime store romance novel, you can use that line. I won’t charge you for it.

Giving a hand job is a delicate art form.

I’ve found a girl with big hands usually give good ones, however it has a strange quasi homo-erotic feel to it after the sensation leaves both heads.

Girls with small hands are downright useless and leave you feeling like a pederast.

Despite my old roommate dan’s assessment that “at least it’s not your hand” I prefer being a do-it yourself kinda guy and I’ll just bypass all the potential awkawrdness altogether. I know how I like it and I’ve been doing it for half my life. As Joe Rogan says, “What makes you think you’re going to be better at that than I am?” Referring to when a woman “compromises” head for a hand-job.

There used to be a defeated feeling when I left the bar and went home to “BEat it” but its something I kind of look forward to now.

I always felt guilty about it as a kid because no one bothered to tell me it was natural. Every one lied about not doing it in high school and it wasn’t until my senior year in high school that people openly admitted to doing so. Still there is a slight nagging suspicion that its a bit homosexual because ultimately it is a guy’s hand on your package (another reason why I couldn’t understand guys who’d say they’d give themselves head if they could because still you’re sucking dick–and gang bang porn is to me just gay porn with a girl added).

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Nothing is wrong with homosexuality. and nothing is certainly wrong with masturbation.

It keeps me out of trouble, keeps me from engaging in inane conversations with superficial, or idiotic women. It keeps me from hurting women’s feelings because I may or may not have “used” them.

It strengthens my imagination. I don’t have to put up with no lip, I can have it any way I want with certain women, no awkward goodbyes,no downside whatsoever, no stds, no fuss no muss, and easy to clean up.

Even talking on the phone with women can be a chore to me. Thank God for cell phones. At least now you can hang up on people and blame it on network, or your battery dying. Except one lady caught on to me, she figured out that these “mishaps” seemed to happen at around the same time every night.

Right after I busted a nut.

Some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever read.

11 Jun

Here are some web pages,blogs and other stuff that inspired and enteratained me along the way. For my white readers out there (meaning all my readers probably) here is a chance for you get another ethnic merit badge on your scout shirt.

One link is something I stumbled upon from this cat, the assimilated Negro. Its some pretty bizarre stuff on there, most of it I haven’t read, sadly, but I can catch up this summer I’m sure.

But this particular link: http://www.hiphopdx.com/blogs/2007/07/mike-tysons-punchout-racist-as-shit/

is extremely clever and funny, and poignant. Its from Little Brother, these cats from the east coast. They rap, they write, and they are educated. Hopefully one of these days in the near future I’ll have the pleasure of hanging out and interviewing them.

But here’s the assimilated negro link:http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/
and lastly this site was recommended from a white guy, a friend of mine in Kansas. He told me about it and I flipped when I read it because it was so effing funny, and so dead on in many respects. Big Ups to this cat’s blogpage : http://stuffblackpeoplehate.com/……..the bizarro site to stuff white people like. Just as humorous, and sometimes hits a little too close to home.

Funnily enough I was working on an experimental book similar to both WWPL and SBPH and turns out I don’t need to anymore, its been done, so thanks to both creators for that one. Anyway enjoy and please let me know what you thought

Peas,
BMICk

great lover/ terrible boyfriend

11 Jun

Make that money for Daddy son. Call me the next Earl Woods.

Make that money for Daddy son. Call me the next Earl Woods.

I’m a great lover, but in the past I’ve been a terrible boyfriend. This is due to a number of reasons I think,

in the past it was just abandonment issues, space issues, a need to be everywhere at once, commitment phobia, a desire to have every girl at my disposal, lack of patience, selfishness, self involvement, lack of stability, and just being a plain ole arsehole.

In the past I’ve broken up with girls in order to be free to sleep with other ladies, and often I’ve found being single equates with having auto insurance.

Chances are low that you’ll run into anything, but in case you do, its nice to have that piece of paper. Being as beautifully warped as I am, you can imagine how hard it is to meet women. I have particular tastes, and I’m unique, some would even say special.

There is more to me than a big penis and wonderful smile. It takes a special kind of woman to be with me. Any old gal will let you put your penis inside her, but it takes a special kind of lady to let you wear her dress and then make out with you while you beat off.

If there is anything I’ve learned over these years, it’s that if you’re asking the universe for something, then you must be specific. So I went on craigslist:

Single Black lesbian Male looking for woman without menstrual cycle, preferably one who doesn’t burp, fart, or shit. Spanking and biting a plus, and I might even let you pee on me, but only once. In a hotel room with double beds, one for peeing in, and one for sleeping in. My hobbies are video games, sports, and bong hits with ice.
Looking forward to meeting you,

Bobby Mickey.

I think maybe my biggest problem with women is my tendency to be honest. My conscious has cockblocked me far too many times. Many women need constant assurance, and no matter how many times you’ve told them you love them, and they are beautiful, I’ve found that its the one extra time……….that will get you that blowjob.

Which is why I’m always single. I jsut can’t blow sunshine up a girl’s ass, I’m not good at it.

For example:

“What do you mean you don’t think you wanna get married Bobby Mickey?”

“It doesn’t sound like a reasonable, practical thing. Why can’t we just live together for 30 years?”

“What would my parents think about that? It’s bad enough that you’re black, they’ll freak when they find out you aren’t capable fo getting married.”

“Look. I’m not saying I don’t love you, I’m just saying I can’t be in something legally binding.”

“So you wanna just leave this whenever you want?”

“Exactly, so you do understand. Maybe this will work after all.”

“Fuck off Bobby Mickey. This is why I can’t trust you. You say I’m beautiful and you say you love me, but how do I know you won’t leave me if I get fat?”

“You have absolutely nothing to worry about…………we’d still be friends.”

“Why won’t you marry me Bobby?”

“Look baby there’s nothing wrong with you all, you’re just not Japanese.”

It’s an evolutionary thing really. I’m trying to spread out the gene pool. Think of all the mixed breed babies out there that turn into stellar atheletes (and sometimes Presidents), Shane Battier, Derek Jeter (Both are from Michigan by the way), Tiger Woods. I wanna have a Capa-calAsian son.

I want to go to the U.S. Open and Torrey Pines, get invited to the British Open. I want a son who goes to UNC and plays basketball, then I can go to Duke vs. UNC games in Cameron Indoor Stadium. I want my own set of Titanium steel Jr. Mickey golf clubs.

No worries my caucasian women, you can still have my white babies.

Every day I’m hustling.

11 Jun

Muhammad%20AliThinking about last year around this time, I was fighting what I thought at the time was an STD, given to me by this married freak of a groupie I’d met in Denton, Texas.

It could have easily been a yeast infection but she was a pathological liar so it could have been anything, but that event really twisted my reality into focus. It inspired me to really get on my grind and make it all happen.

Well that and last year’s NBA Finals.

Seeing Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen get their rings was inspiring. Just to see Garnett screaming at the top of his lungs, “Anything is possible” really brought tears to my eyes. I sat on the couch and looked at my life up until then and realized I wasn’t working hard enough.

So I got on my grind. Did stand up even when I didn’t want to and hung out with douchbag Dallas comedians in SMU country. I woke up early in the morning and went to the Duncanville Public Library to type up what became Supplication and Masturbation.

Of course this was only the beginning or was it?

What really happened to me in California? Was it living so close to the streets, toeing the line of being homeless, a bounced check away from being on the street? Was it getting up early in the morning to deliver muffins, then go to the comedy clubs and open mics until late? Was it reading Iceberg Slim’s novel Pimp?

a lot fo these things I have yet to really process, and of course processing them will result in my second novel ” It should be Illegal” but the main theme of it will be how i got in touch with my inner hustler.

I found my groove, got my dog back, fell in love with my own funk.

Hustler has such different connotations. You have Larry Flynnt’s magazine, you have the idea of a huckster going door to door selling stuff (which I’ve done a couple of times from cologne to petition signing). You got the pimps on the street. you got the pimps in D.C. getting us for our collective booties. Most of it is in a negative connotation.

Yet America is founded upon the idea of hustling. You go to New York, L.A. and everyone is pushing something, from screenplays to cocaine, to oranges on the side of the highway.

And what of Charlie Hustle? Pete Rose, one of baseball’s elite players, banned from the game because he’d found a side hustle, gambling on baseball.

If you watched NBA basketball this season, you’ll see that I wasn’t the only inspired by the Celtics Finals victory. Kobe Bryant (who I’ll readily admit that my days are more enjoyable when I see him lose) took the Lakers loss to heart.

His workouts are legendary, and he puts in 100% every time he’s on the court–well minus the times he mailed it in on his less talented teams before Pau Gasol got there (the real reason why its easier for the Lakers but that’s another blog in itself).

However this year has been pretty magical for him. He won the MVP last year, an Olympic gold last summer, and now is only two wins away from his fourth title (first without Shaq).

I’ve always had felt a sort of vested interest in his career. He went pro my senior year in high school and it was amazing to me that a kid my age was about to be a millionaire. I had no idea he was one of the best young players in the country and had led his high school team to a state championship and his stats are pretty crazy for that year.

the kid even took Brandy (who I thought was ugly even back then) to his Senior Prom. Immmmmmmmmmppppressssive!!!!!!

So I’ve always kind of followed him, thinking he was crazy for getting married at such a young age. Then feeling vindicated for thinking so after the Colorado scandal in 2003, although I knew he didn’t rape her, he’s Kobe Bryant he didn’t have to force to do anything (some believe it was his two point conversion attempt that elicited a penalty from the referees).

I’ll go on record and say that I’ve never like the guy. To me he always exhibited a “me first attitude” that was above the team concept.

No “I” in team but there is an “M” and an “E”. Don’t let nobody tell you differently.

I’d see how he treated other players and he didn’t seem to exhibit a respect for his opponent, most of all he just seemed like a guy who I just couldn’t get along with.

I’d tell my brother all the time, man “I’d beat his ass.” and my bro would say nah man you seen them Sprite commercials?he’ll put them hands on you.”

Which is true he’s six fucking eight. He’d destroy me just like he destroyed Indiana, Portland, Philadelphia, Sacramento, and New Jersey…….wait a minute….those were Shaq’s team’s never mind….but he was a great wingman for sure.

Believe it or not though, as much as I disliked him, I admired his work ethic and he in a way inspired me to be a better person. In 2003 when he came back from the off season ripped as hell, I’d watch those Sprite commercials and look at my flabby armed, man boobed body and say,”time to hit the gym.”

So I started working out like a maniac and got bulky and strong and was ripped from 2003-2004 to the point where I lost some mobility and flexibility. There aren’t any pictures to back this claim up, but if you ask my skinny assed white boy roommate from that time and he’ll tell you I was swoll.

I do find it a bit funny though that on a smaller scale I’ve managed to achieve a small amount of personal success. I’ve won my own version of the NBA Finals, publishing two books of poems, and got my colege degree, something Kobe doesn’t have. Which begs the question of the validity of a Literature degree from the Univeristy of North Texas.

But every day when I don’t feel like doing something, I’ll think “it’s 10:30 in the morning and I bet Kobe has already lifted weights, shot 300 baskets, ate breakfast, boned his wife, and he still has a game to play tonight. How badly do you want it Bobby?”

It’s only now that I can really relate to Jay-Z’s music in the way I should, about hustling, slanging that product, getting on the grind, and staying true to your vision. It’s too early to wipe the dirt off my shoulders, but I’ll tell you right now, I wanna be a champion pretty badly. As much as a virgin wants that first piece. That bad.

The biggest thing I learned though from Slim’s book “Pimp”, was that your head is a movie screen and you should only play the kind of movies you want to see on the projector. Or as Ken Kesey puts it, “always make sure your character stays in your movie.”

But I think Ali summed it up best when he’d discuss how he’d keep running during his morning jogs way past the point of exhaustion, saying it “wasn’t just the skill of champion but also the will of a champion.”

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to get my championship title belt made.

Sit down/Stand up

3 Jun

So its going to be a busy summer. Flying into Toronto for the NXNE Festival, then going to Ithaca to tool around, then down to Brooklyn, New York where many of the legendary jazzers from my alma mater are gigging, then down to Elmer New Jersey where I’ll be teaching a comedic writing workshop, one day and then putting on a private show for staff the next night.

Before I leave I need to get all my material together so the printing of “Instant Exchange” can go off without any hitches.

it’s a big deal this summer.

I feel like this book will add more legitimacy towards my resume as a writer. It will be less sex, more humor than S & M. and will be twice as thick (no pun intended).

I’m quite proud of S & M and its my first and I love it for that, however I’d already moved past it by the time it was printed. Balls deep into my next projects.

A lot of people get scared by the title of S & M because Masturbation is in the title, and because there is so much explicit language. But its honest there is no sugar coating and if anything its guilty of being too real.

Some people think I’m jut bragging about all my exploits in the book, or that its “porn”.
These are people who miss the whole point. I made choices and those choices had repercussions.
I was simply conveying how a young awkward kid became an awkward adult. Once you add that up with the mysteries of women and sexuality, then you get a lot of confusion.

By the end of the book, one should figure out that yeah I had a lot of sex and one nighters, but eventually the narrator realizes how empty those encounters can be (most of them) without intimacy or love, or even like.

But that’s all on S& M, as for “instant..” well it’ll be more mature and well rounded and I know that it will be something I can be really proud of no matter who likes it or not.

that is what this east coast trip is in a way, part graduation present, part business trip, and partly sight seeing…….

as it is the Jersey gig at Appel Farms will more likely than not be my last stand up gig of the year, and for a while.

My focus is much more on the literary scene and with so many projects going, I’m finally ready to give the stage an official break.

I’l still do sketch shows with various artists like ED Forman and James Gates, however I’m tired of my material, tired of the bars and the hustle for a grind that has such a long road before you hit the real upside.

I love performing and writing for shows, and writing jokes, but stand up is a brutal thing. Most of my friends who are going places are performing every night in addition to working day jobs, some like my friend Sharon Lacey, are on the road almost 25-30 days of the month. I’m just not that tough, I’d rather be in the studio recording than touring.

As much as I like traveling, I much rather prefer stability and a paycheck that will come independent of crowd attendance.
I could see myself doing the Rodney Dangerfield thing and coming back full force in my fifties.
I’ll do comedy until the day I die, but for now there are other roads to hoe, other places to go.
Stand up has definitely gotten me to where I am, but its time for a break.

Give myself a little time to write new material and hone stuff other than dick jokes ya know?

I applaud the hustle of cats like Aaron Ross, Sharon Lacey, Mary Van Note, Greg Edwards, Julian Vance, Sean Keane, Brent Weinbach, Caitlin Gill and Chris Garcia……out there getting theirs….

I appreciate and understand just how hard it is to do what they do, I definitely want to get where they are at and where they will be, I just gotta do it the Bobby Mickey way, knnaaamean? Vern?