Archive | June, 2009

stimulant (continued)

22 Jun

sent a really good post and fucked it up and ended up losing it so no jokes just straight info:

spliff+ politics = stimulating conversations.

I didn’t know Valley Girls had moved to the Northeast.

Toronto is a beautiful city that reminds me of the best things about Portland and San Francisco.

Austin is the most unique city I’ve ever been to and there isn’t a place I’ve visited quite like it.

I regret not seeing Japanther, God made me Funky, and NinjaSonik, they seem like they would’ve been good bands live, haven’t learned how to make myself 4 dimensional quite yet, but I’m working on it.

No matter how beautiful and stunning these women are, these women here will engage you in a conversation, even if you’re wearing cut-off jeans and a t-shirt.

I could see myself living here in the next 2-5 years.

the band Final Flash reminds me of a Canadian Oliver Future. They rocked and the venue the Drake Hotel is a pretty sweet place. In the basement of a real hotel is the venue with red velvet curtains. Classy indeed.

the show was awesome, the rhythm section was on point and the music evoked lots of good bands I’d heard before, James at its best, A French Kings of Leon, and a little Neil Young sprinkled in. The write up in the paper said it was like Dinosaur Jr. Meets Neil Young meets Pink Floyd. Three bands I’m pretty fond of, however overall they really had their own sound.I was very impressed and it was certainly the best show I saw during the festival.

Lots to work on, need to go to and run errands before I visit the Free Times Cafe to read more poetry.

Shout outs to all the fathers out there, including my own who hasn’t really given me anything worth keeping except a big dick–to which I’m very grateful for (and some of the ladies out there as well), because if nothing else it has proven to be the gift that keeps on giving, even if grief happened to be part of the wrapping.

See ya in a couple of days. I’m off to enjoy the city. One last thing. The crosswalk machine that says “walk” is a guy also but he’s walking at angle where it looks like he’ll start bursting into a whistling fit. Its little stuff like this that makes this city so nice.

Don’t get me wrong it has it’s share of squares and douche bags but you can’t escape those kinds of people, unless you live off tha grid alone in a ranch out in the canyons, something I’m not quite ready for yet. But soon, very soon, and there’ll be shotguns and swimming pools.



22 Jun

This city is awesome. Lots of crazy stimulation going, and I’m not talking about the sugar free red bulls I’m drinking every hour on the hour.

Still not much sleep last night was the most I’ve gotten in a few days, I was asleep by 12:45, up by 6:45.

I’ve packed a lot in so little here, neighborhood to neighborhood, eat here, shop there, sleep where??????

When. What Why, and because….

what the hell am I talking about? I’m rambling, my mind’s scrambling and I gotta get something to eat.

I went to this reastaurant the other day over in the Bathhurst area and teh food was amazing. I had this corn soup at this vegetarain restaurant called One LOve, owned by a Carribean famliy, so much love.

Beautiful family, the kids were just beaming, everyone helping out, good tunes, they were like a bizarro version of the Cosby show. It was great to watch, in fact lots of good people watching out here.

I was at Lake Ontario yesterday (I don’t know why they call it a lake, that’s like calling Louie Anderson heavy)
gotta love the power of the understatement.

Anyway there was this couple a built muscular dude who I’m sure makes a lot of money, with this hot curly haired blonde chick.

They barely spoke and looked miserable, like maybe they’d spent the last night of vacation fighting and now were taking the water taxi back from the airport. It was kinda sad. All i kept thinking was “man that poor bastard.” then we landed and I went on to this open mic at the James Joyce, some good performers and nice people. They only had one toilet and two urinals in the men’s room and i couldn’t wait for the guy to get out.

So I went into the ladies bathroom, I was about to finish wiping when a woman came in. So I sat still. I didn’t move because there was a hole where the lock should’ve been and I was second on the open mic list. I didn’t want to get thrown out before my turn so I sat…..

she played with her and then sat down and peed for a looooooooooong time. HAd I known it’d be so long I’d have high tailed it, but as soon as she finished, another gal came in. So now there were two stalls, both taken, me taking a stinky “duece” that I woulda courtesy flushed but once again, there was that hole in the door, and I didn’t want to draw attention to my sneakers because then she’d call me out as i went on stage, “THAT GUY WAS TAKING A SHIT IN THE WOMEN”S RESTROOM!!!!!!”

so I just sat…and the peeing woman left, then the next woman took her turn, wiped, and left as well. Then I pulled up my shorts, flushed, and ran next door to the men’s room to wash my hands. later I read some poetry and then caught the end of the GZA’s free set downtown on Younge/ Dundas square.

I did some comedy last night, lots of open mics in town, only two showcases, but at least there is somewhere to perform and get some work when you need to practice material.

I didn’t want to but I have that gig on the 5th and i can’t get too rusty…..

all in a day’s work…..I’ll post another blog after this and we can recap Friday and Saturday’s events….this one just seems long to me……maybe i just need to get some breakfast. Yea that’s the ticket. To be continued………………………………..

Observations from the seat of a speeding toilet

19 Jun

Tulsa International airport may have some of the friendliest airport staff I’ve ever encountered, makes horrors like Atlanta and Chicago O’ Hare prison.

Something I noticed while taking off my shoes……..advertisements in the bins where you run your things through…. can’t remember what they were advertising…I was just astonished at how genius the idea was……I think it was for some shoe store… no lie……

not down with the automatic changeable toilet guards at O’ Hare airport…looks tacky, don’t trust em…..reminds me of when people in the dorms put saran wrap on the seats…..

this just in……people are freaks…….awkward, insecure, and neurotic… wonder genuinely confident people stand out so much…….

ran into Chris Duhon at the O’ Hare airport. Kicking it in some basketball shorts and a t-shirt. this guy went to Duke, plays for the New York Knicks and is a millionaire (and barely six feet in sneakers). man it must feel good to be him, just roll out of bed, put some mesh shorts on, sneakers and catch a plane to Chicago…….now that my friends is Baller.

This is always a good sign when I run into athletes at the airport. I ran into Jamal Mashburn in Atlanta once, Franco Harris in Pittsburgh airport (home of Mr. Rogers), Brian Grant in PDX, and Frank Thomas in LAX when I was 20.
Working on no sleep from the previous night, and very little from the night before, it was going to be a tough day. Shuttling about like a madman I made it to the airport on time, paid for the 15 dollar checked bag fee (crock of shit) then had to deal with a crazy delay in Chicago because they had too many people or too many bags. They couldn’t figure out if they needed to move bags or bodies so they did neither and the they did both, then finally we moved across the country and I fell asleep, waking up only to hear us touch down.

Then I went through customs, took a dump, got my bags, did a currency exchange, took a shuttle to the subway station, then took a tube to my host’s place on Bathhurst. Where I found him waiting on me (although I had no way of getting a hold of him i forgot to get his number).
Anyway we went down to Sneaky Dee’s and saw Experimental Dental School (from Portland) and then the So SO Glos (from Brooklyn) both raucous (I was seeing hallucinations from lack of sleep and surplus of toxins from the beer).

The drummer from the So SO Glos was a beast, and they threw down. about 6 tunes I really liked, (think the Clash meets, Jimmy Eat World) the funniest moment came when the singer started blabbering and the sound guy said “Less talking, more guitar please).

I laughed. I was also wearing my “Don’t Mess with Texas” sweatshirt.

quickies on Toronto:

Great transportation system, efficient, the city is the cleanest I’ve ver visited.

A ridiculous amount of hot chicks (a grab bag of races too)


great beer

great architecture

and very green (getting a plastic bag with your purchase costs consumers 5 cents more towards your total)

I love it.
I could see myself working for an advertising firm out here, or a major publication, or just kicking it here for a summer.

To wrap it all up, I’m checking into staying an extra day or two so i can see Kid Dracula, Bram Stoker’s Dracula played to KID and OK Computer at this cinema, the last couple of times I’ve missed it so I’m making it a point to see it.

Anyway I may have to stay at a hostel and was looking into bookings for Tuesday….as the clerk told me that I could get in if I wanted, I gave her a fist pound (she was a cutie) and as soon as my hand hit hers the Gap band came on the radio ( big shout outs to Tuuuuuuulsa)

it was meant to be.

It’s gonna be a great trip.


Ugly Beauty

19 Jun

Ugly Beauty

I used
to put
on a


will cure
you of all

and debunk
silly myths.

Listen Buddy
you’re infatuated

gets gassy
and whether
you’re there to
know it
or not,
she takes shits.

Even the
most magical
of women
have their
bad days.

and bitching.

that sweet


to see
the light
of day

and rip
your fucking

You won’t
be attracted
to her
all the time.

You might
even hate
her some

Love is

of a
dark violence.

To pick one’s

Popping their black heads
and in-grown
on someone’s
and thighs.

Licking their

feeling their
for hemorrhoids.


to a baggy
of mussed
up hair.

Having your
their morning breath.

be the truest
of love.

the fluff
of poetry
song and

is simply
a pretty

a mirage
a desert
of loneliness.

Edward Austin Robertson

Eve of Departure

18 Jun

Leaving behind an apartment, my landlord’s two dogs, a woman who may or may not be my girlfriend, and a dynasty on NCAA Football ’09.

East here I come. Excited. look forward to really kicking it in New York and seeing what the buzz is about coming from there. One of my best friends from college will be hosting me in Brooklyn.

Toronto :A big festival in NXNE with bands such as Experimental Dental School, Final Flash, MR. Lif will be there, so will the GZA.

gotta go home and pack and remember EVERYTHING!!!
Didn’t get my shipment of books so I’m mailing them to myself in Brooklyn,

Ithaca is supposed to have an interesting scene there as well…..from everything I heard it’s like the UC Davis of the East.

It’s already an adventure and I haven’t even left yet…….

and of course there is the big un in Elmer, New Jersey.

is he really retiring??????????

Well if you call what JAy-Z, MJ did, as retiring, then i’m retiring… last thing.

I can’t wait until Kobe’s daughters get old enough to date…..that would be a reality show worth watching………I might even send my sons after them just for comedic purposes…..I’m out this piece. I got a plane to catch, more
3 weeks on the road…..reporting what I see (well most of it)

Dirty talk

15 Jun

believe it or not, she and Peg Bundy were my two favorite masturbatory fantasies

believe it or not, she and Peg Bundy were my two favorite masturbatory fantasies

It’s been well documented in the past about my passion for weed. Its true I was always quite fond of it, especially from the years 1998 to 2007 (with little breaks in between).

Sometimes I thought I was an addict. I’d write myself little edicts that I was quitting and the longest break I had was about three of four months in the year 2003.

Finally I just had to quit because it was killing my resolve. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t do anything but listen to jazz, eat a bowl of cereal and look at white women. One hit from a joint and suddenly I was the guy from Blazing Saddles.

It was hell quitting though. I even went to MA meetings. Finally I saw a shrink about it, and with his help, I realized that I didn’t have a problem with addiction, I only had an oral fetish.

Learning this made me feel like I’d reached a major breakthrough, because I finally understood why fat girls gave the best blow jobs.
Now some of my readers may be horrified by this assertion, but its true, head from a fat girl is delicious. Its like being sucked off by an angel.

Now some of you are cringing, and I understand, but I’m not being mean. I’m actually bestowing the talents of the glandular challenged women out there. They will actually go in there and SUCK IT!!!!

Skinny broads kind of go in like they are trying to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop without biting it. I’m just saying, Go strong or don’t go at all. Ask Kobe, he’ll tell ya. That’s why he’s got a big ass smile on his face this morning, because HE WANTED IT!!!!!!

Anyway I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Delta Burke, and Anna Nicole Smith before she lost weight, hell, even Jackee from 227, or Kirstie Alley from Cheers. Send em my way, I’d know what to do with them. Now I’m absolutely positive that some of you out there are shaking your heads, saying, “Whatever floats your boat Bobby Mickey.”

Well I’ll tell you what floats my boat, Bouyuancy. Bouyuancy floats my boat.

I’m an equal opportunity employer. I like different women for different reasons. I like em big, tall, short, small, I just like women.

Only ones I can’t get down with are the ones with no pubes. I don’t wanna feel like a pederast. No runway strips, no Hitler mustaches. I wanna see a thick mossy forest. I wanna nuzzle with Chewbacca. I want to feel like I’ve got a mouth full of alfalfa sprouts.

Yea. this may be too real for people, but i like sex, I LOVE sex and I think we need to be able to be open about this like they are in other countries. I’m tired of feeling guilty about having Masturbation in the title of my latest book.

But no matter what, I’ll never be like one of those guys who get so comfortable they get all nonchalant about it. You ever head the euphemisms for sex, its disgusting, and borderline violent.

“Hey man did you hit?”

“HEy man she letting you beat it up?”

“Did you dig in dem guts?”

“Did you get some cut up?”

“did you stab?”

I admit i do like the idea of getting some trim, or some “Jones” as Bill Cosby referred to it.

But I cherish each and every time like it will be my last, because in college I never knew when it was happening again. Every time I pulled down a girl’s panties it was like unwrapping a Xmas gift.

Its always been a big deal to me, an art form even.

When I was giving a girl a back rub in my apartment. I was no longer Bobby Mickey. I was Bill Evans at the Village Vanguard. I was Thelonius Monk at the Newport Jazz Festival. I was Bob Ross painting landscapes.

“Oh such happy breasts, such happy breasts. Don’t want to make the buttocks jealous.”

One thing I’ve never been into is the dirty talk in the bedroom. It was exciting at first, like out of a porno. But then it became trite. I mean seriously, how are you going to say something that isn’t being said in 10,000 other bedrooms in America, quite possibly at the same time?

Sometimes there is such thing as being too creative:

“Yea baby you know how I said I was allergic to peanut butter? Well it turns out, your dog isn’t. ERRRRRRRRRRRRGHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The record skipped on that one didn’t it?

Imagine going the other way with it though.

“Yeah baby it feels so good. I think I’m gonna come.”

“Please don’t come inside me I don’t wanna get pregnant.”

“But then we could move in together, get us a place out by the transit line.”

“Oh you’re so green Bobby. Public transportation gets me hot.”

“Oh yeah. Does sustainable living get you hot? Well would a compost pile by the rose bushes get you wet?”

Oh extremely…..I’m dripping. Can we drink coffee in the morning out on the deck?”

“Oh yeah baby, French roasted, fair trade, and organic.”

“Oh Bay-Bee I need some cream in my coffee, give me some cream in my coffee.”

“Here’s some cream in your oooooooohhhhh oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!

Subliminal Messages

15 Jun

Maybe Chevy couldn't afford him

Maybe Chevy couldn't afford him

Racism is a very subtle thing. We have a black president for God’s sakes. If you want to insult a member of a different race, then you have to be more clever, call them a minority, or a refugee.

Now they say “there’s no more room tonight” instead of “we don’t serve your kind.”

Watching television can really sharpen your eyes to it. Check out the commercials on the tube. Remember that Mellencamp commercial for Chevy Trucks? “This is OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUURRRRR Country”Sure you may feel good inside and downright patriotic at first, but then keep watching, and you’ll see nothing but white boys in pick up trucks.

I can’t relate to that. Now I know for a fact that Chevy makes a brand of car that others can relate to. You mean to tell me they don’t have extra money to commission Snoop Doggy Dogg for a coupla spots.

“All my Chevies in Inglewood drop it like its hot, drop it like its hot, drop it like its hot. All my Chevies in Long Beach, drop it like its hot, drop it like its hot.

Its the Snoop Dizzle, home of the World Champion Los Angeles Lakers.
Befo you put yo kizzle in the ignizzle, be sure not to drizzle, fo rizzle.”

Wow, selling cars, and advocating safety at the same time. Ralph Nader would be proud.

On the flip side, there are the wack ass McDonald’s Commercials (or as I’ve been calling them since 2005, WacArnold’s).

No mistake who they’ve been catering to. People with a high history of heart disease, diabetes, and hypertension.

It’s like J. Edgar hoover gave out a directive before he died: “If the crack epidemic don’t wipe em out, let’s push McDonald’s in the ghetto.”

Nixon was sitting in on the meeting and was like, “Great idea Hoover, high five!!!”

Years later:

IT’s baaaaaaack. For a limited time only, come and get that McRib Sandwich. Ya’ll Ni-Ni-Ni- Niggas need this.

DDADADADADDA I’m loving it.

of course its only a matter of time before we have Durex commercials with interracial couples:

[Pale blonde waspy chick in front of bathroom mirror, turns to camera]

“When I’m out balling my black boyfriend behind my parents back, we like to use Durex. Extra Extra Large.

Because when your inheritance is at stake, you don’t wanna take aaaannnny chances.”

[deep soulful voice] “Hey baby gurl. You coming to bed or what?”

“Oh coming Mandingo. [lowers voice] I think its time for our second pack.”

End Scene.

You think this blog will get me hired at Weiden/Kennedy?