Nuclear Polio Vaccination

I.
I stood in front of the Food Mart
watching for when the rain
would dissipate
or at least diminish to a walkable mist
feeling that I missed her
(and the boy)
but knowing it was too late to turn around
give it (yet) another shot
to be the stellar boyfriend she wanted
(and the exemplary father figure he needed).

I bristled at the thought.
Doing so would’ve wasted all efforts
I’d made to attain the autonomy I’d
longed for as a child.
The end of me as I knew it.

Did me no good
to look back
on that undercurrent of misery.
on balance
that period was an extremely educational one.
Growing out of that naivete
All those mistakes
but very little regret.

II.

Time to reset.
Move forward
into this new chapter
and start all over (again)
leave all those hindrances behind
any barrier between me and success
and positivity
find the correct balance between hedonistic capriciousness
and responsibility for my actions

but essentially none of it really mattered
the lesson I’d forgotten along the way,
during the times I’d lost my sense of humor
and humility
I’d taken things too seriously
at this point
the only thing that mattered was what kind of person
I wanted to be while I was still here.

III.

Back Where it all started
the cavalier attitude that I’d developed
all the awkward and embarrassment that
came as a result of that hedonistic attitude
My dyonysian utopia
learning the hard way
of how (not) to become socialized.
So what now?
Continue to follow my dreams
while they were still within grasp
or gear up for the inevitable end,
this impending nightmare
we were creating?

And if this were all just a dream anyway
shouldn’t I
grab, grab, grab
as much as I could before it was snatched away?

A new five year plan
was needed before I could proceed any further
shock was slowly wearing off
the empty space before me thrilled me
pulling me back out into the rain
washing away any lingering doubts or regret.
My clothes were drenched but my head remained high.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

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Despite all the things she told me
all the things she “felt”
all the things I’d thought
about her
about us
it was the thing that I’d overlooked
or couldn’t see
about her
about us
that did us in.

And perhaps I wasn’t ready for it.
I was quite frightened
of what it all meant
of what could happen
of where things could end up
for us
and for me
but I believed it could work out
if we believed in it.
that I’d be okay
no matter what transpired
and that I had no choice
but to see it through.

And maybe I did
this was as far as it was to go
and maybe what I learned
is exactly what I needed
to know.

But I’d never been so sure
about anyone
or anything
and didn’t know what to take
of being so wrong
or so right about a person
or a situation.

For a while I believed
that she didn’t have enough faith
in the unknown
that if anything she’d said had been
true– that it wouldn’t have been so easy
for her
to leave it behind
to chase an illusion
and to be where she is
seemingly content
with where she is now
with whom she is now.

Its true there were others after her
but I knew the score going in with them.
The ceiling wasn’t nearly as high
nor the shelf life quite as long
for those succeeding her.

But what the hell did I know?
I was probably just so naive
because if anything I’d thought
were correct
I’d be up there with her
or she’d be down here
with me.

At best I can take solace
from the brief glimpse
into possibilities
that since I’d found her
surely there must be others
like her
and maybe next time
I’d be prepared (are we ever?)
and the plunge wouldn’t be quite as deep
or the leap nearly so scary (or fatal)
and that there wouldn’t be anything to hide
away or come clean about
from the onset
and that when we slipped into those roles
that seem so eerily familiar
and disarmingly natural
there will be no second guessing myself
or the situation.

Edward Austin Robertson

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

She greeted me at the door with one reddened eye

seemed like more of a salon than a clinic

fake cheesy waterfall paintings

Jesus quotes throughout

too close to the massage parlors for me

felt dirty

sitting alone in the booth

She said “had you said aaaaaahhh when I inserted this,

there’d be no more sessions for you

she turned on the machine and left me alone

as the water pushed

Sounds of sucking water

and big bubbles

actually freeing to just let go

to shit yourself without consequence

Made me look forward to being a geriatric

Does she sterilizes the tubes

The bedding

The gowns

The equipment

It wasn’t nearly as painful as the first time.

But nowhere near as pleasant either.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

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After every bad one

the hope went out for someone

with depth of character

someone sweet,

genuine and caring,

someone interesting to talk to

but still fairly attractive

good looking enough for me to remain faithful.

The trade off from kinky to crazy

was rapidly losing its value.

But wanting a decent person

meant being a decent person

meant becoming a patient person

worth the wait of being happy

with someone who didn’t

shriek, yell, or get drunk and embarrass you in public

Someone who didn’t  say cruel things to strangers.

Someone with a sense of virtue that didn’t border self-righteousness.

The truth was I was more into kink

than I was into sex

but the problem was that you couldn’t marry kink.

Couldn’t turn groupies into girlfriends

or hoes into housewives

(as they used to say in my day).

The truth  was that she just as crazy as the rest of them.

She just hid it better.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

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It be quite simple to say that I didn’t make the pro’s because I couldn’t hit the curveball

but that’s not exactly true is it?

I could knock the shit out of it

or foul it away if i knew what was coming.

I whiffed on the first one I’d ever seen

a 3-2 pitch from this tall gangly eighth grader

and he made me look foolish

but 2 years later I remembered

what he’d done to me with the very same count

in the exact same circumstances.

I was dialed in when he tossed it

and it hung there asking for me

to boomerang it over the right fielder’s head for

a game changing two run triple.

Our team rolled theirs the rest of the way

and I felt like a hero.

And maybe that was when I peaked as an athlete.

Or maybe I didn’t work hard enough

or maybe I was just plain distracted

and never reached my full potential.

Maybe had I practiced more

found my focus

and had some discipline I’d have been good enough

to play at a small college somewhere in Texas.

But I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants

and pussy derailed my baseball career.

Had I focused on anything as much

as I did on getting laid

I’d probably be rich by now.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

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Hard to get aroused without any kissing

something I realized long ago from dealing with the Pro’s.

It still was hard to turn away from the Hungarian Policewomen

and Naughty Nurses

up and down the canal

avoiding the He-She’s draped under the blue neon

looking for the lesbian sex shows

but settling for titty milk and a bananna.

A private dance risked

telling lies upon my return home.

The ATM rule was instituted

to protect me from myself.

Anything I still wanted by the time

I withdrew money

could be had

but it undermined a firm belief

that my cock was priceless

and that sex was something I should never

have to pay for in terms of money–

though that may be a different

story if I were to visit Amsterdam today.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

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