Nuclear Polio Vaccination

He said,
“I’m not trying to be too invested in this. I don’t want to be hurt if this ends.”

She said,
“That’s impossible to predict, because everything ends sooner or later.”

He said,
“Well how can you be so sure this is going to work out?”

She said,
“It depends on what you define as working out.”

He said,
“Well how do we know this isn’t a mistake?”

She said,
“Maybe there are no such things a mistakes, only experiences.
Maybe the beginning and end of things aren’t necessarily as important as what happens in between.”

He nodded, then thought silently of all those (painful)lessons from all those experiences.

Then he said,
“Well how do I know I can trust this?”

She smiled. Then she said,
“Do you have a choice?”

He said.
“Okay. I think you’re right.”

~Edward Austin Robertson

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

The Drive Back

She looked so out of it.
Glassy in the eyes
talking foggily into
her Dixie cup of peanuts,
and high on anesthesia.

He looked through her collection of CD’s
wishing Brian Eno had made an album
for occasions like these.

For some reason he imagined it would be more dramatic
like that scene out of
“Hills Like White Elephants”
or the movies “Green berg”
and “Last American Virgin.”

But the sun was out
and the day was gorgeous
and there was no hint of heaviness about the
day.

In five exits she would be sleeping in his bed
while he went back to the conference for work.

No shred of guilt at all.
They could just as easily be returning from
the dentist office
or Disneyland.

Nothing felt abnormal about it all.
Which felt a bit abnormal.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

The collective lump in everyone’s throats
was the grand elephant in the room.
They did their best to embrace the moment
clinging to the “is” and the essence
of the right now
to enjoy the joking
and laughter
and ignore the seriousness
of tomorrow.

Here was a chance to celebrate who he was
and what he’d become
this fun-loving
spry
and ultimately beautiful
person
kind and considerate
and responsible.

The ridiculous irony
couldn’t be escaped
that the chief parties
that had a hand in developing these
qualities within him
were also the ones forcing him
out into the cold desert night.

He would be back in a few months
forever changed
for better or worse.

A vacuum existed within the room
a pressure to say so much
and to say so little
their minds and hearts
hanging on every smile
that sprang from his face.

There was always the possibility
of this card being pulled from the deck
of realities
and the gamble was not lost on some.

He may have overplayed his hand.
It was almost as if there had been a deal
done with the devil someone
and the time to pay up had come.

II.
There was something in her voice
that made me pull myself away
from what I was doing
and though it was nothing at the time
it is easy to pinpoint that exchange
of when I unknowingly knew
that something was approaching.

It wouldn’t become concrete
for another week or two
the mind reeling
mind warping
face melting
reality
that my life
as I knew it
was over
or at least on hold.

That my mind and heart
would accompany him
on his adventure.

Never before
had I wanted so badly for
power to exist in the positives
of pure intent.

Never before had I known
such an unconditional love
and acceptance
of this young man
I called my brother.

I never knew that I could
care so much
whilst I prepared for the absolute worst
and prayed for the absolute best.

Amen.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

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Lying together naked
it seemed as if I could not get close enough to her
intoxicated by her smell and
the touch of her skin
against mine.

It was reminiscent of what a former lover
had said before we’d embarked on our own sexual
misadventures;
how sex (and “I love you’s”)
was a package that couldn’t be taken back
once opened.

I’d definitely been here before
remembered what this felt like
things were certainly going in a certain direction.

I knew where this path went
and knew what was waiting behind door number one.
It’d be much easier to manage myself this time around
I wouldn’t get overwhelmed so easily
I was sure.

Knowing that I was presently staring at a potential all time great
I was in no hurry for anything
being patient and present were my only focus.
I wanted to enjoy this first leg of the journey as long as it lasted.

So many times I’d looked back longingly for those early stages
of previous romances when there was a great deal of levity
before those heavier moments set in,
bringing forth sadness and tears.

Those passionate occasions of intermediate liplocking
and genital carress
a series of touches
in the early moments of peeling that
psychedelic onion.

But this time I could feel opening of possibilities
could sense that everything would be okay
that this ending didn’t have to be tragic.

This was a game changer.
Regardless of the outcome,
even if the things we’d imagine
didn’t come to fruition
it was already worth the trip.

She was getting the best version of me yet.
Looking into her face
and those swimming pool eyes
I knew
that I never wanted to know what it felt like
to disappoint her
to hurt her with angry careless words
that could never be taken back.

I could avoid all those mistakes
if I wanted to.

With every kiss I was saying goodbye
to all those ghosts, demons, and haunts
and saying hello to healthy attachments
and pleasant memories.
I deserved someone good.
I deserved something sweet.
And this time
I finally knew it.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

I.
I stood in front of the Food Mart
watching for when the rain
would dissipate
or at least diminish to a walkable mist
feeling that I missed her
(and the boy)
but knowing it was too late to turn around
give it (yet) another shot
to be the stellar boyfriend she wanted
(and the exemplary father figure he needed).

I bristled at the thought.
Doing so would’ve wasted all efforts
I’d made to attain the autonomy I’d
longed for as a child.
The end of me as I knew it.

Did me no good
to look back
on that undercurrent of misery.
on balance
that period was an extremely educational one.
Growing out of that naivete
All those mistakes
but very little regret.

II.

Time to reset.
Move forward
into this new chapter
and start all over (again)
leave all those hindrances behind
any barrier between me and success
and positivity
find the correct balance between hedonistic capriciousness
and responsibility for my actions

but essentially none of it really mattered
the lesson I’d forgotten along the way,
during the times I’d lost my sense of humor
and humility
I’d taken things too seriously
at this point
the only thing that mattered was what kind of person
I wanted to be while I was still here.

III.

Back Where it all started
the cavalier attitude that I’d developed
all the awkward and embarrassment that
came as a result of that hedonistic attitude
My dyonysian utopia
learning the hard way
of how (not) to become socialized.
So what now?
Continue to follow my dreams
while they were still within grasp
or gear up for the inevitable end,
this impending nightmare
we were creating?

And if this were all just a dream anyway
shouldn’t I
grab, grab, grab
as much as I could before it was snatched away?

A new five year plan
was needed before I could proceed any further
shock was slowly wearing off
the empty space before me thrilled me
pulling me back out into the rain
washing away any lingering doubts or regret.
My clothes were drenched but my head remained high.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

Despite all the things she told me
all the things she “felt”
all the things I’d thought
about her
about us
it was the thing that I’d overlooked
or couldn’t see
about her
about us
that did us in.

And perhaps I wasn’t ready for it.
I was quite frightened
of what it all meant
of what could happen
of where things could end up
for us
and for me
but I believed it could work out
if we believed in it.
that I’d be okay
no matter what transpired
and that I had no choice
but to see it through.

And maybe I did
this was as far as it was to go
and maybe what I learned
is exactly what I needed
to know.

But I’d never been so sure
about anyone
or anything
and didn’t know what to take
of being so wrong
or so right about a person
or a situation.

For a while I believed
that she didn’t have enough faith
in the unknown
that if anything she’d said had been
true– that it wouldn’t have been so easy
for her
to leave it behind
to chase an illusion
and to be where she is
seemingly content
with where she is now
with whom she is now.

Its true there were others after her
but I knew the score going in with them.
The ceiling wasn’t nearly as high
nor the shelf life quite as long
for those succeeding her.

But what the hell did I know?
I was probably just so naive
because if anything I’d thought
were correct
I’d be up there with her
or she’d be down here
with me.

At best I can take solace
from the brief glimpse
into possibilities
that since I’d found her
surely there must be others
like her
and maybe next time
I’d be prepared (are we ever?)
and the plunge wouldn’t be quite as deep
or the leap nearly so scary (or fatal)
and that there wouldn’t be anything to hide
away or come clean about
from the onset
and that when we slipped into those roles
that seem so eerily familiar
and disarmingly natural
there will be no second guessing myself
or the situation.

Edward Austin Robertson

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson