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Observations from the seat of a speeding toilet

19 Jun

Tulsa International airport may have some of the friendliest airport staff I’ve ever encountered, makes horrors like Atlanta and Chicago O’ Hare prison.

Something I noticed while taking off my shoes……..advertisements in the bins where you run your things through…. can’t remember what they were advertising…I was just astonished at how genius the idea was……I think it was for some shoe store… no lie……

not down with the automatic changeable toilet guards at O’ Hare airport…looks tacky, don’t trust em…..reminds me of when people in the dorms put saran wrap on the seats…..

this just in……people are freaks…….awkward, insecure, and neurotic…..no wonder genuinely confident people stand out so much…….

ran into Chris Duhon at the O’ Hare airport. Kicking it in some basketball shorts and a t-shirt. this guy went to Duke, plays for the New York Knicks and is a millionaire (and barely six feet in sneakers). man it must feel good to be him, just roll out of bed, put some mesh shorts on, sneakers and catch a plane to Chicago…….now that my friends is Baller.

This is always a good sign when I run into athletes at the airport. I ran into Jamal Mashburn in Atlanta once, Franco Harris in Pittsburgh airport (home of Mr. Rogers), Brian Grant in PDX, and Frank Thomas in LAX when I was 20.
Working on no sleep from the previous night, and very little from the night before, it was going to be a tough day. Shuttling about like a madman I made it to the airport on time, paid for the 15 dollar checked bag fee (crock of shit) then had to deal with a crazy delay in Chicago because they had too many people or too many bags. They couldn’t figure out if they needed to move bags or bodies so they did neither and the they did both, then finally we moved across the country and I fell asleep, waking up only to hear us touch down.

Then I went through customs, took a dump, got my bags, did a currency exchange, took a shuttle to the subway station, then took a tube to my host’s place on Bathhurst. Where I found him waiting on me (although I had no way of getting a hold of him i forgot to get his number).
Anyway we went down to Sneaky Dee’s and saw Experimental Dental School (from Portland) and then the So SO Glos (from Brooklyn) both raucous (I was seeing hallucinations from lack of sleep and surplus of toxins from the beer).

The drummer from the So SO Glos was a beast, and they threw down. about 6 tunes I really liked, (think the Clash meets, Jimmy Eat World) the funniest moment came when the singer started blabbering and the sound guy said “Less talking, more guitar please).

I laughed. I was also wearing my “Don’t Mess with Texas” sweatshirt.

quickies on Toronto:

Great transportation system, efficient, the city is the cleanest I’ve ver visited.

A ridiculous amount of hot chicks (a grab bag of races too)

diverse

great beer

great architecture

and very green (getting a plastic bag with your purchase costs consumers 5 cents more towards your total)

I love it.
I could see myself working for an advertising firm out here, or a major publication, or just kicking it here for a summer.

To wrap it all up, I’m checking into staying an extra day or two so i can see Kid Dracula, Bram Stoker’s Dracula played to KID and OK Computer at this cinema, the last couple of times I’ve missed it so I’m making it a point to see it.

Anyway I may have to stay at a hostel and was looking into bookings for Tuesday….as the clerk told me that I could get in if I wanted, I gave her a fist pound (she was a cutie) and as soon as my hand hit hers the Gap band came on the radio ( big shout outs to Tuuuuuuulsa)

it was meant to be.

It’s gonna be a great trip.

BMick

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Ugly Beauty

19 Jun

Ugly Beauty

I used
to put
the
pussy
on a
pedestal.

living
with
a
woman

will cure
you of all
that

and debunk
those
silly myths.

Listen Buddy
that
woman
you’re infatuated
with
occasionally

gets gassy
and whether
you’re there to
know it
or not,
she takes shits.

Even the
most magical
of women
have their
bad days.

Bleeding
cramping
bloating
and bitching.

Deep
beneath
that sweet
benevolent
demeanor

is
an
equally
depraved
wolverine

just
waiting
to see
the light
of day

and rip
your fucking
throat
out.

You won’t
be attracted
to her
all the time.

You might
even hate
her some
days.

Love is
an
acceptance

acknowledgment
of a
dark violence.

To pick one’s
boogers.

Popping their black heads
and in-grown
hairs
on someone’s
face
back
buttocks
and thighs.

Licking their
hairy
asshole

feeling their
rectum
for hemorrhoids.

Smelling
a
person’s
fart
and
laughing
in
disgust.

Waking
up
to a baggy
eyed
mass
of mussed
up hair.

Having your
morning
wood
overpower
their morning breath.

This
may
be the truest
foundation
of love.

All
the fluff
of poetry
song and
blockbuster
films

is simply
hallucination,
a pretty
picture

a mirage
in
a desert
of loneliness.

Edward Austin Robertson

Eve of Departure

18 Jun

Leaving behind an apartment, my landlord’s two dogs, a woman who may or may not be my girlfriend, and a dynasty on NCAA Football ’09.

East here I come. Excited. look forward to really kicking it in New York and seeing what the buzz is about coming from there. One of my best friends from college will be hosting me in Brooklyn.

Toronto :A big festival in NXNE with bands such as Experimental Dental School, Final Flash, MR. Lif will be there, so will the GZA.

gotta go home and pack and remember EVERYTHING!!!
Didn’t get my shipment of books so I’m mailing them to myself in Brooklyn,

Ithaca is supposed to have an interesting scene there as well…..from everything I heard it’s like the UC Davis of the East.

It’s already an adventure and I haven’t even left yet…….

and of course there is the big un in Elmer, New Jersey.

is he really retiring??????????

Well if you call what JAy-Z, MJ did, as retiring, then i’m retiring…..one last thing.

I can’t wait until Kobe’s daughters get old enough to date…..that would be a reality show worth watching………I might even send my sons after them just for comedic purposes…..I’m out this piece. I got a plane to catch, more
later……..
3 weeks on the road…..reporting what I see (well most of it)

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Dirty talk

15 Jun

believe it or not, she and Peg Bundy were my two favorite masturbatory fantasies

believe it or not, she and Peg Bundy were my two favorite masturbatory fantasies

It’s been well documented in the past about my passion for weed. Its true I was always quite fond of it, especially from the years 1998 to 2007 (with little breaks in between).

Sometimes I thought I was an addict. I’d write myself little edicts that I was quitting and the longest break I had was about three of four months in the year 2003.

Finally I just had to quit because it was killing my resolve. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t do anything but listen to jazz, eat a bowl of cereal and look at white women. One hit from a joint and suddenly I was the guy from Blazing Saddles.

It was hell quitting though. I even went to MA meetings. Finally I saw a shrink about it, and with his help, I realized that I didn’t have a problem with addiction, I only had an oral fetish.

Learning this made me feel like I’d reached a major breakthrough, because I finally understood why fat girls gave the best blow jobs.
Now some of my readers may be horrified by this assertion, but its true, head from a fat girl is delicious. Its like being sucked off by an angel.

Now some of you are cringing, and I understand, but I’m not being mean. I’m actually bestowing the talents of the glandular challenged women out there. They will actually go in there and SUCK IT!!!!

Skinny broads kind of go in like they are trying to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop without biting it. I’m just saying, Go strong or don’t go at all. Ask Kobe, he’ll tell ya. That’s why he’s got a big ass smile on his face this morning, because HE WANTED IT!!!!!!

Anyway I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Delta Burke, and Anna Nicole Smith before she lost weight, hell, even Jackee from 227, or Kirstie Alley from Cheers. Send em my way, I’d know what to do with them. Now I’m absolutely positive that some of you out there are shaking your heads, saying, “Whatever floats your boat Bobby Mickey.”

Well I’ll tell you what floats my boat, Bouyuancy. Bouyuancy floats my boat.

I’m an equal opportunity employer. I like different women for different reasons. I like em big, tall, short, small, I just like women.

Only ones I can’t get down with are the ones with no pubes. I don’t wanna feel like a pederast. No runway strips, no Hitler mustaches. I wanna see a thick mossy forest. I wanna nuzzle with Chewbacca. I want to feel like I’ve got a mouth full of alfalfa sprouts.

Yea. this may be too real for people, but i like sex, I LOVE sex and I think we need to be able to be open about this like they are in other countries. I’m tired of feeling guilty about having Masturbation in the title of my latest book.

But no matter what, I’ll never be like one of those guys who get so comfortable they get all nonchalant about it. You ever head the euphemisms for sex, its disgusting, and borderline violent.

“Hey man did you hit?”

“HEy man she letting you beat it up?”

“Did you dig in dem guts?”

“Did you get some cut up?”

“did you stab?”

I admit i do like the idea of getting some trim, or some “Jones” as Bill Cosby referred to it.

But I cherish each and every time like it will be my last, because in college I never knew when it was happening again. Every time I pulled down a girl’s panties it was like unwrapping a Xmas gift.

Its always been a big deal to me, an art form even.

When I was giving a girl a back rub in my apartment. I was no longer Bobby Mickey. I was Bill Evans at the Village Vanguard. I was Thelonius Monk at the Newport Jazz Festival. I was Bob Ross painting landscapes.

“Oh such happy breasts, such happy breasts. Don’t want to make the buttocks jealous.”

One thing I’ve never been into is the dirty talk in the bedroom. It was exciting at first, like out of a porno. But then it became trite. I mean seriously, how are you going to say something that isn’t being said in 10,000 other bedrooms in America, quite possibly at the same time?

Sometimes there is such thing as being too creative:

“Yea baby you know how I said I was allergic to peanut butter? Well it turns out, your dog isn’t. ERRRRRRRRRRRRGHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The record skipped on that one didn’t it?

Imagine going the other way with it though.

“Yeah baby it feels so good. I think I’m gonna come.”

“Please don’t come inside me I don’t wanna get pregnant.”

“But then we could move in together, get us a place out by the transit line.”

“Oh you’re so green Bobby. Public transportation gets me hot.”

“Oh yeah. Does sustainable living get you hot? Well would a compost pile by the rose bushes get you wet?”

Oh extremely…..I’m dripping. Can we drink coffee in the morning out on the deck?”

“Oh yeah baby, French roasted, fair trade, and organic.”

“Oh Bay-Bee I need some cream in my coffee, give me some cream in my coffee.”

“Here’s some cream in your coffee..ooo oooooooohhhhh oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!

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Subliminal Messages

15 Jun

Maybe Chevy couldn't afford him

Maybe Chevy couldn't afford him

Racism is a very subtle thing. We have a black president for God’s sakes. If you want to insult a member of a different race, then you have to be more clever, call them a minority, or a refugee.

Now they say “there’s no more room tonight” instead of “we don’t serve your kind.”

Watching television can really sharpen your eyes to it. Check out the commercials on the tube. Remember that Mellencamp commercial for Chevy Trucks? “This is OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUURRRRR Country”Sure you may feel good inside and downright patriotic at first, but then keep watching, and you’ll see nothing but white boys in pick up trucks.

I can’t relate to that. Now I know for a fact that Chevy makes a brand of car that others can relate to. You mean to tell me they don’t have extra money to commission Snoop Doggy Dogg for a coupla spots.

“All my Chevies in Inglewood drop it like its hot, drop it like its hot, drop it like its hot. All my Chevies in Long Beach, drop it like its hot, drop it like its hot.

Its the Snoop Dizzle, home of the World Champion Los Angeles Lakers.
Befo you put yo kizzle in the ignizzle, be sure not to drizzle, fo rizzle.”

Wow, selling cars, and advocating safety at the same time. Ralph Nader would be proud.

On the flip side, there are the wack ass McDonald’s Commercials (or as I’ve been calling them since 2005, WacArnold’s).

No mistake who they’ve been catering to. People with a high history of heart disease, diabetes, and hypertension.

It’s like J. Edgar hoover gave out a directive before he died: “If the crack epidemic don’t wipe em out, let’s push McDonald’s in the ghetto.”

Nixon was sitting in on the meeting and was like, “Great idea Hoover, high five!!!”

Years later:

IT’s baaaaaaack. For a limited time only, come and get that McRib Sandwich. Ya’ll Ni-Ni-Ni- Niggas need this.

DDADADADADDA I’m loving it.

of course its only a matter of time before we have Durex commercials with interracial couples:

[Pale blonde waspy chick in front of bathroom mirror, turns to camera]

“When I’m out balling my black boyfriend behind my parents back, we like to use Durex. Extra Extra Large.

Because when your inheritance is at stake, you don’t wanna take aaaannnny chances.”

[deep soulful voice] “Hey baby gurl. You coming to bed or what?”

“Oh coming Mandingo. [lowers voice] I think its time for our second pack.”

End Scene.

You think this blog will get me hired at Weiden/Kennedy?

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Regional Bias III

15 Jun

Davey Crockett he ain't. I'm a call you Duuuubya.

Davey Crockett he ain't. I'm a call you Duuuubya.

California was a nice trip. Great weather, fantastic weed. It would’ve been perfect if not for the Californians. They always got the gas face when I told them I was from Texas. I’d be rapping to a chick.

“Yea baby girl. I’m from Texas.”

“Boooooooo, Texas. That’s Bush country isn’t it?”

As if California isn’t responsible for eight years of Ronald Reagan.
Bush isn’t even a native Texan. He’s from Maine, went to Yale. It’s not like he was one of the first settlers from Tennessee to come to Texas and vanquish 1,000’s of Mexicans to win their right to own slaves.

Those are the true Texans. Bush just bought a baseball team and became governor. He’ll always be a yankee in my book. But its because of this Yankee yahoo that people think Texans are stupid.

To which I reply “Look you’re absolutley wrong. Texans are not stupid…….it’s just too fucking hot to think. Cut us some slack.”

My I.Q. jumped about 10 points when I moved out to the west coast. I started using big words in my vocabulary. Like photosynthesis.

And Chlamydia.

The most interesting part about California was their passion for the environment.

And not wanting niggers in it.

I came to this realization when I was working for Greenpeace, door to door in neighborhoods up in the Oakland Hills.

My trainer was this blue eyed, blonde haired golden boy type with a strong jaw line, strutting with the confidence of knowing he came out of the Aryan Annual.

He cleaned up, people clamoring to give him what they had. “You had dinner yet? Wanna brownie, wanna cookie, want my wife? Anything for the cause buddy.”

My side of the block was never that friendly. I couldn’t even get them to open up their doors. [Man looks out window and shakes his head.]
“No sir. Not falling for the old nigger with the clipboard gag again. Helen call the police!!!!! That crack head from Jungle Fever is here again.”

NBEC

14 Jun

That's 1 (800) FREE-GRO!!!!!! Call NOW!!!!

That's 1 (800) FREE-GRO!!!!!! Call NOW!!!!

In certain social circles, I’m a very square dude.

One day my little brother(the one who peed in the Mark Twain river not the one who tried to grab his own turd with a paper towel) was looking through my cd collection.

Back then there was mostly jazz and a few Radiohead discs, probably some Marvin Gaye.

He looks at me and says Man ain’t you got some black music? Of course to me, it doesn’t get more militant, more urban, or ethnic, more pro-black than jazz music. But how could I possibly explain this to my Lil Flip listening, American Pimp watching little bro.

But it was around this time I realized what side of the divide I was on in other people’s eyes. I just wasn’t black enough, even though I know more about African American culture and history than the average cat around (minus hip hop fads and trends I’m talking people, events), I was labeled as someone who was an Oreo, a white man in a black mans body, a “blippy”.

which of course begs the question how is a black man supposed to behave? and according to who’s and what definition did it mean to be black?

I’ve seen Chappelle’s skit on “I know Black People” and yes it is true for a certain amount of us. Yet where do people like me fit in?

Hi I’m Bobby Mickey, Cosmic Comic. You may have seen me in such projects as The Ed Forman Show Starring ME Ed Forman!!!!, Black Guy Funny Phone Sex, and in the role of six year old defendant on television’s Night Court.

I’m here to talk to you about joining the NBEC. Now some of you are wondering what the NBEC is and how to join? Well is your skin as dark as mine? Do you have more than 10 white friends and less than five black friends? Well if so, then you’re eligible to join the Not Black Enough Coalition.

Before I formed the NBEC, I used to have to hide my U2 and Tears for Fears albums when my black friends came over to hang out. But now I have plenty of black companions to accompany me in evenings of playing chess, taking acid and listening to Grateful Dead.

Some of you are out there saying, but Bobby Mickey, I’m not black. Well that’s okay. Because the NBEC isn’t just for black men, but it’s also for white women who like to SLEEP with black men. So act now and we’ll throw in a complementary glass bong with a copy of De La Soul’s 3 Feet High and Rising.

Call now at 1(800) FREE-GRO

and ask for Bobby.

And please remember, it’s not selling out, it’s buying in.

So the next time your relatives say, “Man college really changed you, hanging out with those white folks got you listening to weird music and eating rabbit food.”

Call us and you won’t have to feel guilty about saying” Hey if living healthy,listening to good music, and not spending my money on rims and stereo equipment makes me white, then call me a cracker.

You can call me a honky, just don’t CALL me when you need money for a triple bypass, cuz I’m not trying to hear it. Now get out of my office………………… You NIGGER!!!!!!!!”

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Box in hand is worth two fingers in the bush

11 Jun

His balls grew heavy like some Kentucky storm clouds.

For whatever reason that phrase has been repeating itself in my head. If anyone out there is writing a smutty, cheap, dime store romance novel, you can use that line. I won’t charge you for it.

Giving a hand job is a delicate art form.

I’ve found a girl with big hands usually give good ones, however it has a strange quasi homo-erotic feel to it after the sensation leaves both heads.

Girls with small hands are downright useless and leave you feeling like a pederast.

Despite my old roommate dan’s assessment that “at least it’s not your hand” I prefer being a do-it yourself kinda guy and I’ll just bypass all the potential awkawrdness altogether. I know how I like it and I’ve been doing it for half my life. As Joe Rogan says, “What makes you think you’re going to be better at that than I am?” Referring to when a woman “compromises” head for a hand-job.

There used to be a defeated feeling when I left the bar and went home to “BEat it” but its something I kind of look forward to now.

I always felt guilty about it as a kid because no one bothered to tell me it was natural. Every one lied about not doing it in high school and it wasn’t until my senior year in high school that people openly admitted to doing so. Still there is a slight nagging suspicion that its a bit homosexual because ultimately it is a guy’s hand on your package (another reason why I couldn’t understand guys who’d say they’d give themselves head if they could because still you’re sucking dick–and gang bang porn is to me just gay porn with a girl added).

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Nothing is wrong with homosexuality. and nothing is certainly wrong with masturbation.

It keeps me out of trouble, keeps me from engaging in inane conversations with superficial, or idiotic women. It keeps me from hurting women’s feelings because I may or may not have “used” them.

It strengthens my imagination. I don’t have to put up with no lip, I can have it any way I want with certain women, no awkward goodbyes,no downside whatsoever, no stds, no fuss no muss, and easy to clean up.

Even talking on the phone with women can be a chore to me. Thank God for cell phones. At least now you can hang up on people and blame it on network, or your battery dying. Except one lady caught on to me, she figured out that these “mishaps” seemed to happen at around the same time every night.

Right after I busted a nut.

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Some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever read.

11 Jun

Here are some web pages,blogs and other stuff that inspired and enteratained me along the way. For my white readers out there (meaning all my readers probably) here is a chance for you get another ethnic merit badge on your scout shirt.

One link is something I stumbled upon from this cat, the assimilated Negro. Its some pretty bizarre stuff on there, most of it I haven’t read, sadly, but I can catch up this summer I’m sure.

But this particular link: http://www.hiphopdx.com/blogs/2007/07/mike-tysons-punchout-racist-as-shit/

is extremely clever and funny, and poignant. Its from Little Brother, these cats from the east coast. They rap, they write, and they are educated. Hopefully one of these days in the near future I’ll have the pleasure of hanging out and interviewing them.

But here’s the assimilated negro link:http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/
and lastly this site was recommended from a white guy, a friend of mine in Kansas. He told me about it and I flipped when I read it because it was so effing funny, and so dead on in many respects. Big Ups to this cat’s blogpage : http://stuffblackpeoplehate.com/……..the bizarro site to stuff white people like. Just as humorous, and sometimes hits a little too close to home.

Funnily enough I was working on an experimental book similar to both WWPL and SBPH and turns out I don’t need to anymore, its been done, so thanks to both creators for that one. Anyway enjoy and please let me know what you thought

Peas,
BMICk

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great lover/ terrible boyfriend

11 Jun

Make that money for Daddy son. Call me the next Earl Woods.

Make that money for Daddy son. Call me the next Earl Woods.

I’m a great lover, but in the past I’ve been a terrible boyfriend. This is due to a number of reasons I think,

in the past it was just abandonment issues, space issues, a need to be everywhere at once, commitment phobia, a desire to have every girl at my disposal, lack of patience, selfishness, self involvement, lack of stability, and just being a plain ole arsehole.

In the past I’ve broken up with girls in order to be free to sleep with other ladies, and often I’ve found being single equates with having auto insurance.

Chances are low that you’ll run into anything, but in case you do, its nice to have that piece of paper. Being as beautifully warped as I am, you can imagine how hard it is to meet women. I have particular tastes, and I’m unique, some would even say special.

There is more to me than a big penis and wonderful smile. It takes a special kind of woman to be with me. Any old gal will let you put your penis inside her, but it takes a special kind of lady to let you wear her dress and then make out with you while you beat off.

If there is anything I’ve learned over these years, it’s that if you’re asking the universe for something, then you must be specific. So I went on craigslist:

Single Black lesbian Male looking for woman without menstrual cycle, preferably one who doesn’t burp, fart, or shit. Spanking and biting a plus, and I might even let you pee on me, but only once. In a hotel room with double beds, one for peeing in, and one for sleeping in. My hobbies are video games, sports, and bong hits with ice.
Looking forward to meeting you,

Bobby Mickey.

I think maybe my biggest problem with women is my tendency to be honest. My conscious has cockblocked me far too many times. Many women need constant assurance, and no matter how many times you’ve told them you love them, and they are beautiful, I’ve found that its the one extra time……….that will get you that blowjob.

Which is why I’m always single. I jsut can’t blow sunshine up a girl’s ass, I’m not good at it.

For example:

“What do you mean you don’t think you wanna get married Bobby Mickey?”

“It doesn’t sound like a reasonable, practical thing. Why can’t we just live together for 30 years?”

“What would my parents think about that? It’s bad enough that you’re black, they’ll freak when they find out you aren’t capable fo getting married.”

“Look. I’m not saying I don’t love you, I’m just saying I can’t be in something legally binding.”

“So you wanna just leave this whenever you want?”

“Exactly, so you do understand. Maybe this will work after all.”

“Fuck off Bobby Mickey. This is why I can’t trust you. You say I’m beautiful and you say you love me, but how do I know you won’t leave me if I get fat?”

“You have absolutely nothing to worry about…………we’d still be friends.”

“Why won’t you marry me Bobby?”

“Look baby there’s nothing wrong with you all, you’re just not Japanese.”

It’s an evolutionary thing really. I’m trying to spread out the gene pool. Think of all the mixed breed babies out there that turn into stellar atheletes (and sometimes Presidents), Shane Battier, Derek Jeter (Both are from Michigan by the way), Tiger Woods. I wanna have a Capa-calAsian son.

I want to go to the U.S. Open and Torrey Pines, get invited to the British Open. I want a son who goes to UNC and plays basketball, then I can go to Duke vs. UNC games in Cameron Indoor Stadium. I want my own set of Titanium steel Jr. Mickey golf clubs.

No worries my caucasian women, you can still have my white babies.

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