Nuclear Polio Vaccination

I must have been really down to do something like that to myself
I must have been so numb to initiate something so self destructive
like a cutter, hurting themselves to see if they were still capable of feeling.

The most sour, vindictive, superficial, petty piece of pussy
I ever put my dick into.

Her Tammy
My Chinaski.

Why the fuck would I do this to myself?

Why would I think I deserved this?

Someone who cared more for furry animals
her vinyl collection
tattoos, and fashion
than genuine communication.

She could take the dick
but not the criticism
a gal that much in denial is dangerous

how could she be honest with me
when she was constantly lying to her own self?

Walked right into a buzz saw because
I was feeling too sorry for myself
to pay attention.

Oops. My bad.

No matter.
Wont happen again.

But if it were to happen again
it will definitely
be full sass
no holding back
full tilt
all barrels locked
loaded
and firing.
And hopefully it would involve some
freshly sliced mangoes.

It would be the most indulgent thing
I ever done in my life.

~Edward Austin Robertson

Can you tell what’s on my mind?

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

I could have run,
probably should have than
engaged in a game I couldn’t win.

I knew what was on the other side of that door
waiting for me,
a match with a “win at all costs” opponent
that could result in failure, heartbreak and
take me to the edges of insanity.

But I also knew there was an opportunity for me
to learn just how well I could perform under duress,
a litmus test for mental toughness–
a measuring stick for growth.

Call it foolishness
call it hubris
you could even call it boredom.

But I can walk away
knowing that I left it all on the field
that I performed as well as I was capable of
and surpassed all my own expectations.

I fought valiantly
I fought fair
no low blows or elbows to the face.

I fought with honor for the game
and respect for my opponent.

Despite what the scoreboard reads
despite what history will say,

I still feel like a winner.

~Edward Austin Robertson

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

He said,
“I’m not trying to be too invested in this. I don’t want to be hurt if this ends.”

She said,
“That’s impossible to predict, because everything ends sooner or later.”

He said,
“Well how can you be so sure this is going to work out?”

She said,
“It depends on what you define as working out.”

He said,
“Well how do we know this isn’t a mistake?”

She said,
“Maybe there are no such things a mistakes, only experiences.
Maybe the beginning and end of things aren’t necessarily as important as what happens in between.”

He nodded, then thought silently of all those (painful)lessons from all those experiences.

Then he said,
“Well how do I know I can trust this?”

She smiled. Then she said,
“Do you have a choice?”

He said.
“Okay. I think you’re right.”

~Edward Austin Robertson

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

The Drive Back

She looked so out of it.
Glassy in the eyes
talking foggily into
her Dixie cup of peanuts,
and high on anesthesia.

He looked through her collection of CD’s
wishing Brian Eno had made an album
for occasions like these.

For some reason he imagined it would be more dramatic
like that scene out of
“Hills Like White Elephants”
or the movies “Green berg”
and “Last American Virgin.”

But the sun was out
and the day was gorgeous
and there was no hint of heaviness about the
day.

In five exits she would be sleeping in his bed
while he went back to the conference for work.

No shred of guilt at all.
They could just as easily be returning from
the dentist office
or Disneyland.

Nothing felt abnormal about it all.
Which felt a bit abnormal.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

The collective lump in everyone’s throats
was the grand elephant in the room.
They did their best to embrace the moment
clinging to the “is” and the essence
of the right now
to enjoy the joking
and laughter
and ignore the seriousness
of tomorrow.

Here was a chance to celebrate who he was
and what he’d become
this fun-loving
spry
and ultimately beautiful
person
kind and considerate
and responsible.

The ridiculous irony
couldn’t be escaped
that the chief parties
that had a hand in developing these
qualities within him
were also the ones forcing him
out into the cold desert night.

He would be back in a few months
forever changed
for better or worse.

A vacuum existed within the room
a pressure to say so much
and to say so little
their minds and hearts
hanging on every smile
that sprang from his face.

There was always the possibility
of this card being pulled from the deck
of realities
and the gamble was not lost on some.

He may have overplayed his hand.
It was almost as if there had been a deal
done with the devil someone
and the time to pay up had come.

II.
There was something in her voice
that made me pull myself away
from what I was doing
and though it was nothing at the time
it is easy to pinpoint that exchange
of when I unknowingly knew
that something was approaching.

It wouldn’t become concrete
for another week or two
the mind reeling
mind warping
face melting
reality
that my life
as I knew it
was over
or at least on hold.

That my mind and heart
would accompany him
on his adventure.

Never before
had I wanted so badly for
power to exist in the positives
of pure intent.

Never before had I known
such an unconditional love
and acceptance
of this young man
I called my brother.

I never knew that I could
care so much
whilst I prepared for the absolute worst
and prayed for the absolute best.

Amen.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson

Lying together naked
it seemed as if I could not get close enough to her
intoxicated by her smell and
the touch of her skin
against mine.

It was reminiscent of what a former lover
had said before we’d embarked on our own sexual
misadventures;
how sex (and “I love you’s”)
was a package that couldn’t be taken back
once opened.

I’d definitely been here before
remembered what this felt like
things were certainly going in a certain direction.

I knew where this path went
and knew what was waiting behind door number one.
It’d be much easier to manage myself this time around
I wouldn’t get overwhelmed so easily
I was sure.

Knowing that I was presently staring at a potential all time great
I was in no hurry for anything
being patient and present were my only focus.
I wanted to enjoy this first leg of the journey as long as it lasted.

So many times I’d looked back longingly for those early stages
of previous romances when there was a great deal of levity
before those heavier moments set in,
bringing forth sadness and tears.

Those passionate occasions of intermediate liplocking
and genital carress
a series of touches
in the early moments of peeling that
psychedelic onion.

But this time I could feel opening of possibilities
could sense that everything would be okay
that this ending didn’t have to be tragic.

This was a game changer.
Regardless of the outcome,
even if the things we’d imagine
didn’t come to fruition
it was already worth the trip.

She was getting the best version of me yet.
Looking into her face
and those swimming pool eyes
I knew
that I never wanted to know what it felt like
to disappoint her
to hurt her with angry careless words
that could never be taken back.

I could avoid all those mistakes
if I wanted to.

With every kiss I was saying goodbye
to all those ghosts, demons, and haunts
and saying hello to healthy attachments
and pleasant memories.
I deserved someone good.
I deserved something sweet.
And this time
I finally knew it.

~Edward Austin Robertson~

Tags: Edward Austin Robertson